avgrl's blog: "avgrl"

I look deep into his soul I see what he does not want seen I know things he does not want known I try to hide my knowledge of his inner struggle We sit and talk He tries to help me, to focus on me I freeze up, hide, get cold inside I turn it around, change the direction I start probing into him deeper and deeper Getting him to say what he does not want said Getting him to feel what he does not want to feel He needs to release, spread his wings He is tender inside, full of emotion A scared little boy, hiding for fear Fear of detection, of rejection A need to blend, to fit in He acts as he thinks is expected Tells the stories, goes through the motions He hurts those in his path to prove his case He hurts himself, bringing him deeper down, further A hard, cold player, crushing those in his way A lost little boy, crying, dying, deep inside A boy wondering around, growing, changing inside All the same man; lost, alone, confused, anxious, scared

Seeing your face everywhere I turn Realizing it’s just a ghost and not really there Hurts more than possible to say Wishing you were here all the time Seeing you everywhere is hard to stop Seeing you having the illusion you are here Makes me miss you more and more Wanting you to be here for me Knowing you are on the inside Wanting you to be on the outside Showing me how to understand why Not leading my heart to fail Leading my heart in the right direction My mind playing tricks on my heart Telling my heart you’re here Then making you vanish from my sight Making my mind lie to my heart Is how bad I want you here Knowing you want to be here for me Does my mind no good My heart is telling my mind you should be here My mind and heart actually agreeing My mind and heart seeing illusions Of the one thing they can agree on My mind and heart wanting you near My mind and heart not understanding Why they are making these rules Why they won’t let me be with you To be real instead of illusions Seeing your face everywhere I turn Transparent to all around Realizing it’s just a ghost in my mind Not really there

You are a part of her Even though you are not Not here, one of the saved from this wretched place You will never cry the tease of a neglected child You will never feel the rape of life You will never be striped of your clothes in rage You will never be beat in anger at her hand You have been spared the life of hell The unhappiness that awaited you Yet you will never feel the love she had to offer You will never feel the hugs, kisses You will never hear the sweetness of her words You will never grow to be a slave of those around you You were spared the life almost forced upon you You need not worry my child You are in her heart, her soul, her mind You will grow up in a perfect world A world void of rage, pain, evil She loved you enough to spare you She has no regrets You will always have a home in her heart

I know I shouldn’t but I do I wait for your call Frozen by the phone, life on hold You have become my obsession, my self-esteem I know I shouldn’t rely on you I should create my own strength But you make me smile, my heart patter I want to open to you, give myself over You give me smiles, I give you lust You keep coming back despite it all Enabling my barriers, my obsession I shouldn’t be so withdrawn You deserve more then I have to offer You give so much more then I How long can it last, go on as such How long until you discard me As do they all, leave me crushed All alone to wallow in my despair To wonder if I’m worth it, what I deserve I know I shouldn’t, but I do

He sits off by himself A book in his hand His long, dark hair Shinning in the lights Glasses reflecting the street lights Pail complexion Offset by his dark clothes and hair A sweet smile, tall slender body Deep, warm, intelligent mind Oh to feel his lips against mine Pressing close, passionately Arms around me Pulling me close, holding me tight Whispering in my ears telling me he cares

You tell me I’m great I’m someone special You can’t understand why I’m single We meet, you fuck me, your gone I’m tired being nothing I sit here, alone Night after night Dreaming of someone, who i don’t know Wishing that something better was out there I’m tired of being alone I feel a pain with every breath I feel hallow and empty No hope left to fill the void Deep breath, stabbing pain I’m tired of hurting I want to know if love exists Imaging someone saying the words That someone means them That I can be loved I’m tired of being unlovable

You led me to believe there was more That I wouldn’t be one more notch Some one to care, to be there You turned out like the rest Got what you were looking for Moved on, not a word, not a note Treating me as if I were nothing You lied to me as if I were nothing I don’t want to be a notch I want so much more You left me with questions Wondering what’s wrong with me Will I always be alone, just a notch Is there more to me to be discovered A loveable side to be unleashed For now just another notch No hope, no potential, no love to get Just another notch in the night

You want to touch me, I let you You want to use me, I let you You want to hurt me, I let you I take it all without a word Put up no fight, no struggle Welcome it all, no matter how I feel All the time wondering if I deserve more Feeling trapped as if I deserve less Wanting to break free of these binds Exit the flames which consume me Dreaming to emerge, to let go As does the majestic phoenix Rising from ash and flame In bright personal glory To be free to love, to feel To gain what is truly deserve What is truly deserved

Deep thoughts and desires Coursing through me Soaring down, deep inside Burning an impression Hurt, pain, despair In the depths of my heart, my soul Dying, surviving, living Soul, essence, feelings Changing, growing, merging Everything around me creates need To be held, touched, loved Overpowered with desire, strength Pain deep inside, dying

Our eyes met across the room Danced a dance I was drawn to him He reeled me in I went to him A tall, dark, stranger Not a word exchanged He grabbed my hair Pulled my mouth to his He knew he had me Our bodies moved together What perfect harmony I opened my mouth to speak He placed a finger to my lips Whispered “not a word” He held me tight I could feel his heart pounding His breath on my forehead My heart pounded My head on his shoulder Eyes close I gave in Dared to dream