grieving
My Aunt Fluffy died today. She was my maternal grandmother’s sister. (Technically “Great Aunt Marion”. When my mom was a little girl, Fluffy took her to the dentist. Afterwards, she bought my mom a stuffed dog, which was named Fluffy. Well my mom started calling her Fluffy instead, and it stuck.)
As readers of my blog know, Fluffy had been in the hospital lately. (I’ve been trying to keep things updated in-between my computer going down. Really bad time for it to go down, because I was going to take the laptop to Fluffy so that she could see the wedding picture video that I was making. But the video got deleted, like damn near everything else, and I didn’t get to remake it or even rescan the pictures that I have. She did get to see the partly done photo album, and she got the thank you note. I got to see her just last week.)
I’m sorry that my thoughts aren’t gathered. Actually, I’m not sorry. Why do I apologize when I don’t mean it? I’m not sorry at all. I’m upset and if I ramble then people are just going to have to suck it up and deal with it or get the hell out because who needs to know people who are going to be critical when someone is in grief. I need a black shirt. I wish Jamie B. were home so she could take me shopping. I don’t really want to go shopping but I don’t exactly have other things to do, and I hate feeling useless. I don’t know. What was I saying?
Fluffy was great. She was always fun when I was kid, never being to busy to play with me. She never had kids. I use to go over to her place all the time. She watched an episode, I think it was of “Roseanne,” where one of the girls got her period and didn’t know what it was and thought she was dying or something. So Fluffy decided to explain the brief version of menstrual cycles to me, even letting me wear a pad so I’d get use to the feel and know how they worked. (They were the old style bulky thick things which I never actually used once I finally did get my period- there was Always Ultra-Thin or whatever by then.) We always played games together, like Tic-Tac-Toe. And my favorite pretend game with her, “hotel,” where I’d line up small toys and figurines in-between the banister posts on the steps. She’d leave them there for me, so the game wouldn’t end just because I had to go.
She also let me have coffee. Alright, it was more like coffee flavored milk, but still. It started an unending love. And sardines. We use to eat sardines together. I haven’t had any since, don’t even know if I still like them, but I did back then. I don’t remember if they were straight out of the can or not. And she taught me how to butter toast, “every nook and cranny,” And taught me, “a place for everything and everything in its place.” Which is sorta hard sometimes when there really isn’t a place for everything because the apartment is just to small, but I still think it. And jewelry, she had such nice costume jewelry that she let me wear around the house. And let me bang on the piano to my hearts content, not that I was ever any good at all for even a moment- but that wasn’t the sort of thing that mattered.
Jamie B. just called. She can’t go with me right now because she just got off work and is headed to the beach. I guess I’ll wait for John. Or maybe I’ll wear something else. I don’t know. Why don’t I have a black dress shirt? I use to, didn’t I? Why don’t have smart thoughts right now? Why am I thinking about a shirt? I don’t care about clothing. And I hate clothing shopping. It’s among my least favorite activities. Jamie B. said that at least Fluff lead a good long life.
That’s true. Her father, my great grandfather, was a preacher. (Among all the other trades he had.) And Fluffy was religious. I’m sure she’ll go to Heaven. She was always praying for this family. I knew I was in her prayers every night. Now she’s gone.
She had plants, at Cedarbrook. I wonder if anyone watered them while she was at the hospital. What will happen to her plants? She liked her plants. One was from me.
I’m glad I got to see her. With the respiratory thing, I couldn’t go to Cedarbrook because it was to hot and I couldn’t breathe. I called her when I was awake during the day, which we know isn’t often. But when she was at the hospital I got to see her.
She liked to clip coupons for everyone. And she knew just what everyone used. And I do mean everyone, even the nurses and volunteers at Cedarbrook. And she did the cut out decorations which hung up around the place. I have a flowerpot with purple flowers on my fridge that she made for me last year. Her birthday was August 3rd, she was a Leo like I am.
I’m not making any sense, am I? Words usually pour out and make good sentences and paragraphs and cohesive thoughts that assemble in a logical order. I’m a writer, dammit! Why the hell can’t I make my mind think straight? Screw my mind, everything is blurred through the tears right now anyway.
She had such an interesting life, most of which I am unaware of. I know that my Uncle Bob tried to kill her by shoving fiberglass up her arms when she interrupted his seeing what Vanna White was wearing on that night’s “Wheel of Fortune.” They got divorced after that, I think. I was 8 and no one used that word around me. I was told that if Uncle Bob ever came to my school or something and tried to pick me up, that I should “scream bloody murder.” I worried about this for years, always being on the look-out for him just in case. But I could (and still) hardly remember what he even looked like. I remember his voice though, the way he said “Yeah.” That’s strange. Is it also strange that both Fluff and my grandmother married men named Bob?
They have another sister, Aunt B (Betsy). She married Charlie. She’s the one that was disowned from the family after she didn’t come to her own mother’s funeral, and then moved their things out of the apartment, taking everything INCLUDING the kitchen sink. (And bathroom sink, and outlet covers and light switches and wallpaper and carpeting… and there were crowbar marks where they tried to take the tub as well.) Aunt Sue had run into her at some point and I guess talked to her a few times. Strange that she’d be the forgiving one. Aunt B always made really great peanut butter candy. I wish I had that recipe. She was one of the lunch ladies at my elementary school. She’d sometimes come out and give me money for ice-cream.
Fluffy liked to treat. She had my mom and Sue buy her candy to give to the nurses and people at Cedarbrook. She liked to make people happy. When she got money every month (I don’t know from where or why), she used it to buy candy bars for us. I’d get a 5th Avenue and John got Reese’s. I don’t remember what others got. I think my mom got Almond Joy. It’s little things like that.
