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**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
*'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy..**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'
**No, I think you
Have the wrong
NUMBER**
Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my butt,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my good work.
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.
So nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's as shiny as the sun.
I guess my house will stay a mess.....
While I sit here on my bum.
FIRST DEGREE
Boudreaux and his wife were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
Boudreaux picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The wife said, "Who was that?"
Boudreaux answered, "I don't know, some man wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two Cajuns are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. He opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second Cajun says, "Here, let me see!!" So the first Cajun hands him the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
Boudreaux suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes out and buys a gun. He goes to his house unexpectedly and when he opens the door he finds her in the arms of another man. Well, Boudreaux is really angry. He pulls out the gun, and as he does so, he is overcome with grief. He takes the gun and puts it to his head. His wife yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
Boudreaux replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
Boudreaux was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" Boudre aux replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the Cajun girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US Government class. The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, Boudreaux was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Boudreaux ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Boudreaux moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' he is asked by his concerned children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over
my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and had his way with me.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me, he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?'
|
Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes
were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one. As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed. Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh Oranges to those waiting.. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line. When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?" She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck' em dry!" The policeman fainted. |
|
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. |
Go slow and watch out for chicks!
A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
Him, '"Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes - caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That'll give you five extra points toward
Employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my
Testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
Me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. Every
Day."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00
P..M., why don't you want me to be here until 10:00?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
We just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts. No point in
You coming in for that."
