Judy's blog: "Funnies..."

FRESH OR FROZEN?

First, you must decide what kind of Turkey is right for you: fresh or frozen? This decision is simply a matter of personal taste; either way you can be sure of a tasty, healthy bird carcass. Frozen turkeys are flash frozen immediately after being processed (killed). The meat, once defrosted, is virtually at the same freshness as the day it was processed (viciously murdered).

Fresh turkeys are deep chilled after packaging. Because they have a shorter shelf life, they are usually more expensive. But maybe that's the way you like it. Maybe you're the type who's willing to pay a little extra so you know you're ingesting a creature who, only days before, was living and vital with the essence of life still coursing through its doomed veins. Or maybe you're the type who just likes to make sure everyone knows just how well off you are as you prance past the proles in the supermarket with your freshly-killed bird.

BE THOROUGH

Don't simply look down at a pile of turkeys and assume the best looking one is the best. Be sure to pick up your choice and examine the underside as well. It's a good idea to do this in front of a store employee so they know what a discerning customer. REMEMBER: FLIP the bird in front of others!

HOW BIG?

How large should your turkey be? The normal rule is to buy one pound of turkey for every guest expected at the Christmas dinner table. But think about it, is your family really normal? You're big eaters, aren't you? When one of your family members is involved in a tug-of-war, they just assume they'll be taking the anchor position, right? Don't you all do a lot of shopping at Big and Tall shops, though none of you are particularly tall? Maybe you should be using your own special formula to figure out how much turkey to get. Will Uncle Chuck be coming this year? Better figure again.

PERSONALITY

You don't want to appear shallow, do you? Should you really only pick your turkey based on appearance, and the size of it's body? What about its talents? What about its personality? Shouldn't these things matter? No. The bird is dead. Get a grip.

MALE or FEMALE

While qualities like taste and tenderness are virtually identical between male and female turkeys, it's always best to pick a female turkey for Christmas dinner - if you're super lucky, there may be bonus turkeys inside!

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POINTERS for DEFROSTING your TURKEY

There are several different ways to thaw out your turkey before you begin to prepare it. We present them below, in descending order of appropriateness:

THE FRIDGE

The best method is to thaw your turkey in the refrigerator, allowing 14 hours for every five pounds of fowl. This method will result in the best finished product.

WATER

If you're poor at planning ahead, you may have to pick a less ideal method. Turkey can also be thawed in cold water, allowing one half hour for every pound. For a large turkey, this is still likely to take a while, and you're still likely to forget while there's still time. Will you never learn?

MICROWAVE

The next best method is thawing your turkey in the microwave, providing you can actually fit it in there and aren't afraid of radioactive waves saturating your Christmas dinner and turning all who eat it into some sort of half-man/half-turkey monsters bent on destruction and murder.

BODY HEAT

If you only have an hour, and are not squeamish, ask Uncle Chuck to hold the turkey in his massive armpits while it thaws. Use one half hour in each pit.

SWEET, SEXY TELEVISION

If you are somehow left with only half an hour, watch your Girls Gone Wild video with the turkey. That video is so hot, it's too hot for TV!

TIME TRAVEL

Only as an absolute last resort should you call old Doc Brown to bring his Delorean over to send you back to when you had enough time to properly thaw the turkey in the refrigerator. Remember: tampering with the space-time continuum is not to be taken lightly. Also, when you're back there pick up an extra bottle of wine. Aunt Sally's hitting it a little harder this year.

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POINTERS for COOKING your TURKEY

There are lots of ways to prepare a turkey for Christmas dinner, but for some reason, everybody roasts them. We're all a big bunch of roasting babies following the mother roaster into the roasting pond. There are several alternative methods that should be considered before you toss them aside and just roast away like you've been programmed to do, you damn roasting robot you..

One of the options that has been gaining some popularity in recent years is deep frying the Christmas turkey. Seriously. See, turkey is one of the healthiest options among the meat family, so it's only natural that as Americans we would do whatever we can to make this relatively healthy food much worse for us. Why not just loop some onion rings over the drumsticks while you're at it, Deluise?

Other less-traditional options include: grilling, broiling, broasting, bloating, brazing, bowling, soldering, sauna-ing, and pestering.

MARINATE

Once you've discarded those choices and selected roasting, consider at least marinating the turkey first. The best thing about marinating the turkey is, if the right "sauce" is selected, you can get nicely marinated yourself while you do it. God knows Christmas dinner is always a lot easier for me to get through if I'm a little marinated.

Marinades can be applied by poking holes all over the turkey with a fork and then pouring the liquid over it. Superior to this, however, is actually injecting the marinade into the bird with a syringe. These can be purchased, but it's also easy to get them for free by telling your local health department that you're an intravenous drug user who will share needles with others if you aren't supplied with free samples. Make the government work FOR you for a damn change.

STUFFING

While Grandma's recipe has served the family well for decades, it's always a nice surprise to try out something new as a stuffing in your turkey. Possibilities include: flavored rice, salmon, anchovies, Skittles, ice cream, Jell-o, Big Macs, or springy snakes.

SHOW TIME

Now, you are ready to roast your bird. First, pre-heat your oven to 170 degrees, then place the turkey inside. Timing is very important in roasting the turkey. Always leave the turkey in until everyone is so damn hungry that they look at each other, rub their eyes, and then hallucinate giant turkeys wearing their relative's clothing. Also, never take out the turkey until at least one relative is good and soused (preferably yourself).

POINTERS for CARVING your TURKEY

What, you need advice on CARVING too? You just grab a sharp knife and slice! How hard is that? Can't you do ANYTHING on your own? I'm amazed you were even able to operate your computer and find this blog of mine or did you have help with that too? MAN, you're pathetic...lol...just kidding, Happy Holidays Everyone!!!

"God Created The Earth, Duct Tape Holds It Together"
Well next to an old dog or your ol' lady, a Rednek's best friend would have to be Duct Tape. The uses for duct tape are limitless. In my years I have seen DT used for so many different things it ain't even funny. Some of the uses I have have seen are as follows:


To Recover Furniture


To Train Men


To Improve The Looks Of Your Vehicle


Give Your Vehicle Racin Stripes


Even Women Use It For A Under A Buck Boob Job

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The uses are limit less. So I have included on this blog a crap load of ways to use duct tape for those of you who don't have an imagination...
1. Hanging posters.
2. Decorative book cover.
3. Fix broken tail light on vehicle.
4. Twist a long piece into rope (thousands more uses).
5. Tape wires down on floor or out of the way.
6. Tape wires back together after splicing (much wider than electricians' tape).
7. Reattach rear view mirror.
8. Repair cracked winshield/window.
9. Patch ripped clothing.
10. Hide unsightly wallpaper seams.
11. Repair broken hoses.
12. Repair broken fan belt.
13. Use as art medium.
14. Fix broken book binding.
15. Band-Aid for really big cuts.
16. Attach leg splint to broken leg.
17. Wallpaper your house (may be slightly expensive, but well worth it for the resulting sophisticated look).
18. Reinforce pages in 3 ring binder.
19. Cover up empty drive bays.
20. Fold in half and use as bookmark.
21. Disk labels.
22. Rappelling harness.
23. Toilet paper.
24. Hinge on cabinet door.
25. Repairing leak in tire/inner tube.
26. Taping annoying people to walls, floor, ceiling, or bed.
27. Holding together computer cases.
28. Hold up exhaust pipe (doesn't last very long).
29. Repair upholstery.
30. Make lawn furniture.
31. Make lawn decorations.
32. Fix racquetball racquets.
33. Roll into a ball for hockey practice.
34. Mark lines on a sporting event field.
35. Clothing – all sorts.
36. Can be use to wrap duct work, but doesn't seal or hold up ducts very well.
37. Use to pull unsightly hair or blackheads.
38. Keeps pledges in their place (also applies to siblings).
39. Patches holes in vinyl siding.
40. An entire roll can be used in place of a bedroom door to keep someone in for hours.
41. Twisted correctly, can be used as a billy-club.
42. Wrapped around newspaper to make a dog chew toy.
43. Holding on book covers.
44. Reflective lettering.
45. Mute function for humans.
46. Contraceptive device.
47. Climbing rope.
48. Earrings.
49. Cover old pocket folders -- lasts forever!
50. Shoe designs.
51. Girdle.
52. Sealing envelopes (in case you hate the taste of envelope glue).
53. Replacement for airplane glue.
54. For store owners: great way to keep the wigs on mannequins.
55. Balding men: want to keep your toupee in place?
56. Women: better than hairspray.
57. Seat belts that'll REALLY keep the kids still.
58. Closing chip bags.
59. Make the stapler obsolete!
60. Putting up Christmas lights (easy removal).
61. Why bother with waxing...
62. Add several layers to your car's bumpers for a much safer ride.
63. Fix vacuum cleaner hose.
64. Tape ski boot to your ski when the binding breaks.
65. Repair seams of ski gloves.
66. Wrap around your waist when your zipper splits in a one piece skisuit.
67. Lift and separate when you don't want to wear a bra or can't have straps showing.
68. Hold temple onto eye glasses.
69. Fix printer.
70. Make a wallet out of it.
71. Hold car hood shut.
72. Patch hole in canoe.
73. Fixing sets for the school play.
74. Making props look more realalistic.
75. Hold mics onto the mic stands.
76. Make letter for leter jacket.
77. Hold your letter to your letter jacket.
78. Re-enforce the phone cord.
79. Hold batteries in remote control.
80. Play a cd.
81. Stick pictures up in your locker.
82. Fix holes in your Airwalks.
83. Use instead of nail polish.
84. Hold pens together.
85. Belt.
86. Wrap your ankle for sports.
87. Can be uesd in place of handcuffs.
88. Rings.
89. Hold file cabinet together.
90. Hold shoe laces together.
91. Can replace shoe laces.
92. Can be used in place of Velcro.
93. Write term paper on it.
94. Graduation present.
95. Can be used to put back together a shreaded term paper.
96. Stop your jeans from fraying.
97. Hair ties.
98. Hold spikes to your cleats.
99. Make a book shelf.
100. Necklace.
101. Note cards.
102. Remove lint from clothes.
103. Makes great bumper stickers with a sharpie!
104. Cook a baked potato in it.
105. Hold car door shut.
106. Tape plastic over broken rear window in car.
107. Tape down ripped carpet.
108. Tape sole of ratty sneaker to body of sneaker.
109. Hold speaker wire to the back of speaker.
110. Use it as a Biore strip.
111. Practical joke toilet paper replacement.
112. Makes a good bib.
113. Put it on your lawn and paint it green. Say good-bye to mowing.
114. Mouse trap.
115. Fly paper.
116. Tape your little brothers' mouths shut.
117. Use as vinyl flooring.
118. Cover rust holes in your car.
119. Ashtray.
120. Roofing shingles.
121. Make a clothes line.
122. Window coverings.
123. Use a roof rack on your car for carrying luggage and other items.
124. Fix a broken plate.
125. Patch a hole in your swimming pool.
126. Make a swing for your kids.
127. Make a tent for camping.
128. For the annoying mother-in-law.
129. Lock people into their house, school, office, etc...
130. Hold your car's bumper in place.
131. Seat covers in your car.
132. Fix holes in your sock.
133. Fix the hole in your favorite coffee cup.
134. Make a coffee cup.
135. Retread your tennis shoes.
136. Earmuffs.
137. Repair work gloves.
138. Make work gloves.
139. Home security system - tape up doors and windows.
140. Watch band.
141. CD case.
142. Wrap a soda can or bottle in duct tape to keep it cold.
143. Makes stylish notebook decorations.
144. Use it to fix old instruments.
145. Use it as a dog/cat/rabbit/frog/lizard/etc. leash.
146. Hold on toupees.
147. Duct tape annoying, rambuncious students to their seats.
148. Reupholster the roof on a '83 Mustang convertible. (Or any vehicle for that matter.)
149. Attach it to the end of a yard stick (sticky side out) as a way to get pennies out from behind the couch.
150. Surgical bandage.
151. Fix a cigarette that is broken at the filter.
152. A clothesline when you're out in the middle of nowhere. (Peace Corps favorite.)
153. Use it as a substitute for Bondo.
154. Makes excellent streamers for bicycle handlebars.
155. Toilet seat cover.
156. Reflectors.
157. Replace broken screen in your screen doors to create an excellent storm door for those cold winter nights.
158. Makes great posters with the aid of magic markers.
159. Make a sheet for your bed.
160. Wrap freshmen up in it.
161. Use to make the lines in the middle of the road.
162. Make a space suit out of it so you can walk on the moon.
163. Use as a musical instrument.
164. Make a hat.
165. Use instead of toilet paper on halloween.
166. Make a wallet chain out of it.
167. Stare at it and try to find new uses for it.
168. Make a boat out of it.
169. Throw it at people.
170. Write on it and stick to someone's back.
171. Put a few rolls on their side and roll them to have a ductape race!
172. Tape a hedge trimmer or chain saw to a long pole in order to trim or cut tall trees.
173. Use it as hockey tape.
174. Tape Tupperwear containers together in a way that you can stack them on top of each other for more storage space.
175. Use to keep the cover of an old ice cream maker securely attached.
176. Cut a hole in a piece of card board, wrap duct tape around it and get a really inexpensive original looking picture frame.
177. Tape nerf basketball hoop to the back of a door because they just don't stay on their own.
178. Make a pouch and attach it to a door so you can hold stuff.
179. Repair smashed pumpkin.
180. Waterproof sun screen for bald men.
181. Snowmobile/motorcycle seat cover.
182. Hold broken U-joints together on truck so you can make it home.
183. Makes a good replacement for chrome.
184. Patch holes in convertibles or soft top jeeps.
185. Resurface your trampoline.
186. Artificial lighting.
187. Use it to tape 10 year olds with sugar highs to trees during boyscout trips.
188. Can be made to fasion weapons in a pinch.
189. Emergency limb replacements.
190. Prostetics.
191. Make fantastic puppets and other toys.
192. Can be used to clean the floor when no vacuum is available.
193. S & M.......
194. Make a ball.
195. Repair trim on cars.
196. Patch up fish tank.
197. Halloween costume.
198. Waterproof footwear.
199. Make a makeup case.
200. Repair leak in pilot gas line.
201. Gagging device.
202. Pinstriping.
203. Wraping Christmas presents.
204. Patch seams in carpeting.
205. Patch a hole in a tent.
206. No need for lunch box - just tape all your food together!
207. Use to keep President Clinton's pants up.
208. Cute plant holder.
209. Keep hair in place.
210. Make a tie out of it.
211. Chastity belt...(see pic in Stash-Pics...Redneck Birth Control)
212. Wart Remover.

(whewwww, someone had way too much time on their hands, LOL....sad thing is though, I've seen it used for some of these things, lol)...Hope you enjoyed this!

(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy although, My boss let me go
Happily addicted to the TAP!


All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the TAP!


Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know that life keeps moving on?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just found CherryTAP-dot-com!"


I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the TAP!

(OH MY & to think I lost my job over this!)
...lol..

COMET....."THE TOUGHEST REINDEER"...


He's been spacey ever since the accident that was responsible for his "sleigh name" Comet. It was at the end of the run on the very first Christmas sleigh delivery. At that time, Comet was leading the team through a dark and foggy night.
He suddenly thought he spied the big Lighthouse light on the tip of the North Pole, the one they still use to guide the sleigh team home. Unfortunately that was in the days before radar and meteorological forecasts.
Yep, it was a real comet speeding through the edge of Earth's atmosphere, and a disaster was narrowly avoided after Comet head butted it out of orbit and saved the team. He became a hero, but he's still seeing stars, even in the daylight!

CUPID...."THE REINDEER ROMANTIC"...


You would think that being one of the reindeer that pulls the sleigh for Santa Claus would keep a reindeer very very busy. And it does. But good ol' Cupid still finds time to play the great "Reindeer Romantic."
He loves to create reindeer crushes and romances for reindeer all over the world, not just the team at the North Pole. He has personally been matchmaker to 1,043 reindeer couples in the last year. But the romance he is most interested in is his own. And it is quite a romantic tale.
One day, a long long time ago, Cupid was flying along solo, just loosening up and practicing some roof landings about a week or so before Christmas. Suddenly he glimpsed a herd of reindeer trainees on a training flight. He could tell, because reindeer-in-training wear super bright yellow vests and have flashing lights on their antlers. (It's kind of the same idea that driving schools use on their cars.)
The herd of reindeer trainees was dashing through the snow off the eastern border of Lapland when, WHOOOOOSH!... it hit a huge updraft that sent the team out of control and upside down, heading right for the side of dreaded Ouch Mountain!
Cupid made a speed dive and grabbed the reins of the lead reindeer, gently guiding the team back under control. When Cupid had safely landed the team, a young girl reindeer named Vixen rushed over to him. Cupid was the bravest reindeer she had ever met and she fell head over hooves for him.
They have been hitched for over 200 years now!

VIXEN...."THE MOST GRACEFUL REINDEER"...


Remember that pretty girl reindeer who was leading the team of reindeer trainees when it was rescued by Cupid? That was Vixen. She was the top reindeer in her training class. She was renowned for her beauty and for her graceful flying that has become even more graceful through the years of practice. Her triple loop with a single hoof landing has never been equaled.
Anyway, after the heroic rescue, Vixen fell head over hooves for Cupid, joined the Sleigh Team, and got hitched to Cupid. She's still flying, still pretty, and she still thinks Cupid is the bravest reindeer she has ever met. Even after hundreds of years together, she and Cupid still hold hooves. And Cupid still blushes when Vixen gives him the eye.
Awww, isn't that sweet?!

DANCER..."THE MOST TALENTED REINDEER"...


Probably very few people notice, but Prancer and Dancer are actually twins. No, not identical, although there is a strong family resemblance.
With a little stage makeup and costuming, they can and did get away with being identical twins back when they used to do their act. Of course, this was hundreds of years ago when they toured as hoofers with Bob Hope's Holiday USO troupe, bringing seasonal entertainment to the front lines from Angincourt to the Battle of Hastings.
Unfortunately, during one Christmas show a hunter thought it was deer season and opened fire at the stage, bringing to a close any future with the touring show. Out of work, out of show biz, and out of luck, Prancer and Dancer were returning to their native homeland when they saw a recruitment sign announcing that the North Pole Village was looking for anyone with talents that could be used at Christmas.

PRANCER..."THE MOST TALENTED REINDEER"...


Probably very few people notice, but Prancer and Dancer are actually twins. No, not identical, although there is a strong family resemblance.
With a little stage makeup and costuming, they can and did get away with being identical twins back when they used to do their act. Of course, this was hundreds of years ago when they toured as hoofers with Bob Hope's Holiday USO troupe, bringing seasonal entertainment to the front lines from Angincourt to the Battle of Hastings.
Unfortunately, during one Christmas show a hunter thought it was deer season and opened fire at the stage, bringing to a close any future with the touring show.
Out of work, out of show biz, and out of luck, Prancer and Dancer were returning to their native homeland when they saw a recruitment sign announcing that the North Pole Village was looking for anyone with talents that could be used at Christmas...what can I say, they're twins!

BLITZEN...."THE ELECTRIC REINDEER"...


This thunderous reindeer got his name because he's been struck by lightning so much that he is now actually electrically charged! It all started in his early childhood when he grew up on the highest peaks of the Swiss Alps. The peaks are so close to the sky that every time a storm cloud passed by it would ZAP-POW! Blitzen right on his antlers. Blitzen eventually was able to get radio and television stations on his antlers because of all the electricity. On top of that he started to point north all the time, just like a compass!
One day, Blitzen decided to follow his magnetic attraction and go the North Pole. When he got there, Santa immediately saw the potential in Blitzen and made him a part of his reindeer team.
Now Blitzen serves as Santa's compass, radio back to the North Pole, and lightning rod in case they have to fly through storm clouds!

DASHER...."THE REINDEER DOE-BOY"...


A dapper reindeer from Los Angeles who gave up his illustrious film career to help pull Santa's sleigh. But don't let that fool you into believing that Dasher's life is motivated by self-sacrifice, on the contrary!
Pulling Santa's sleigh has made Dasher even more famous! He spends most of the "off season" either tanning his hide on the beach or making films with Venison Studios - a movie company that he owns and operates all by himself.
The other reindeer get upset with Dasher because he never shows up to sleigh riding practice. In fact, Dasher is notorious for only showing up at the North Pole by private jet a few hours before Santa's take off!
Dasher is the best flying reindeer in the world, and that's why Santa made him Captain of the reindeer team. If he wasn't the best, Santa would have given him the boot (or hoof) a long time ago.

DONDER..."THE MOST DISCIPLINED REINDEER"...


Donder was the first girl reindeer to graduate from the prestigious Roe Military Academy, and as far as she's concerned, boot camp never ended.
In fact, she has the other reindeer on Santa's team practicing constantly year round so they stay in shape for "The Big Night".
The only reindeer that doesn't play in her reindeer games is Dasher (because he's always on vacation!), and quite a rivalry has developed between the two.
Donder believes, and rightly so, that she should be Santa's Reindeer Captain and not Dasher! This rivalry however is one of good spirits between two professionals and no accidents or anything bad has come of it yet.
The other reindeer respect and appreciate Donder's workout routines and maneuver exercises even though their little legs and hooves get quite sore from them.

AND Rudolph..???????????.....who knows....he was try'n to play those reindeer games & well, you know how the story goes, lol....

Santa's New Contract - Bubba Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit cup handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)