MOJOMAN's blog: "happy new year"

New Definition: Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either major party in 2008.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the > >beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long > >been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving > >couple." > > > >The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their > >long and happy marriage. > > > >The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America , > > >" explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and > >took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. > >We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost > >fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's > once." > > > >"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my > >wife quietly said, "That's twice." > > > >We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time > >my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse > >dead. > > > >I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the > >poor animal like that, are you f*ckin crazy!?" > > > >She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." > > > >And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after." :(

Last night my step-daughter and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my beer. She can be such a bitch.

Think before you speak... Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back... Or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... He knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls" THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and Passed by a store that sold a Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, My sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of Her after receiving looks of disgust And annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I checked My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny Had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, And he said "No" . I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent over, spread his cheeks And yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, In the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, Turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh And remember We all say things we don't really mean, So think before you speak!!!!!

THEY WALK AMONG US IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.." We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. IIDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." >From Kingman , KS IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippI STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !