LadyDove's blog: "Humor and Pagan Humor"

1. You've started buying rice and toilet paper in bulk. Your parents attribute this to a gastrointestinal problem. 2. "Virgin" has a different meaning for you than most people. 3. When filling out forms, you list your occupation as "unconventional conventionist" and nationality as "Transylvanian." 4. At family reunions you substitute the Hokey Pokey with the Time Warp. 5. You were disappointed to learn that Denton, Ohio is not a real place. 6. The salesclerks at the local lingerie shop know you by name... and you're a guy. 7. You brought a water pistol to "Titanic", trying to encourage audience participation. 8. When watching "Spin City", you have an uncontrollable urge to yell "ASSHOLE!" at Barry Bostwick. Your concerned roommates think this is a form of Tourrett's. 9. At a Carly Simon concert, you shout "SAY IT! SAY IT!" during "Anticipation." 10. You've considered buying stock in Scott brand toilet paper. 11. You start wondering: Whatever did happen to Fay Wray? 12. Even smiling makes your face ache. 13. You understand this list and know when to laugh.

1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. What tampon? 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone. 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream gives me the shits. 11. Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good? 12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... 16. Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19. Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I just brushed my teeth... 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29. I want a baby! 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34. I think you have it on backwards. 35. When is this supposed to feel good? 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38. Is that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44. So, how's your mother? 45. Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway? 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49. This would be more fun with a few more grandparents. 50. You're almost as good as my ex! 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53. You look younger than you feel. 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60. I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks. 61. Have you ever considered liposuction? 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64. I have a sickening confession... 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69. You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72. Did you come yet, dear? Did I? 73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75. Does this count as a date? 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78. I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you? 79. You can cook, too right? 80. When would you like to meet my parents? 81. Have you ever tried it in the nose? 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 83. Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later. 84. Don't mind me I always file my nails in bed. 85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88. Sorry but I don't do toes! 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". 93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95. Is this a sin too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"? 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? 102. Don't worry, it happens to everyone [under breath] who is past 89 and forgot their Viagra. 103. Is this what you call *technique*? 104. Now let me get this straight, after we do this I will get the job, right? 105. You keep to your side of the bed. 106. Wow, this is amazing! Usually I have to pay for this. 107. Wow! Your mom/dad makes the same noises! 108. Wow, my mom/dad makes the exact same noises! 109. I am your father. 110. SHHH!!! Keep it down, you'll wake the neighbors! 111. Okay, hold on, I am almost done with this book/video game/RPG. 112. Do you fart, or was it me? 113. Is it in yet? 114. Do that thing our dad does. 115. No, honestly. It can go in my ostomy.

Diet for Stress Reduction This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Breakfast 1 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk Lunch 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon Snack The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce 2 Lemon Drop Martini's Dinner 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom, and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars 1 1.5 Liter bottle of wine 2 more martini's and a Manhattan (why not?) Evening Snack Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer) And you might as well finish the Martini vodka Call in sick the rest of the week, you've you've got better things to do... Remember: Stressed spelled backwards is Desserts.

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look! It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise! You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!... back under they go... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now... feeling better?

This piece spewed from the minds of various Hermetic Study Group members one evening, as we sat trying to get our heads around the Tree of Life. So, in the spirit of the Spring Goddess of laughter, joy, and fun, we present to you equal opportunity pissing on... Alexandrian Wicca: Yes, we admit it - we nicked everything from the Gardnerians. Arthurian Enthusiasts: Guinevere was really a Pictish warrior princess! I think 'The Sword in the Stone' is a really great film. Astrologer: But your Sun sign is the most important sign! Sorry I'm late - it was a traffic jam and not anything planetary at all. I'm a big fan of astronomy. We're about to enter the Age of Aquarius. Meh. Celtic Faerie Shaman: I'd better read up on that before I write a book about it... I read the Tain bo Cuailgne in its original language. Celtic Tradition: Of course, we don't actually know anything about the historical Celts. I hate Celtic knotwork. Bloody bog trotters and sheep shaggers! I find Cerridwen to be a very nice Goddess, don't you? Chaos Magician: No, no, no! You're doing it all wrong! I think H.P. Lovecraft books are unimaginative. Crowley: This table of correspondences is too complicated... I think it's about time I settled down with a family and started going to church... I like my Mother. I used to think I knew my stuff, but now I've read Silver Ravenwolf I'm willing to step down. I couldn't fit this into Kabbalah! Dianic: Shall we have an open ritual for all the men? Face it - menstruation is just a bloody nuisance. The earliest cultures were patriarchal and peaceful. Sorry, I can't come to the ritual tonight - my husband's ill. Discordians: Hang on, that doesn't make any sense! Nope, too weird for me. Eris is just a minor Goddess - we can ignore her. No, no, no, no, no! First you cast the circle, then you fill the bathtub with brightly coloured East German power tools, only after all that do you give your offerings to Eris! Keep to the structure people! Druidry: I agree with Time Team's action at Seahenge. No cider for me, thanks. Oh I couldn't possibly sing that! I'm too embarrassed! I think English Heritage is doing a great job. Eclectic Pagan: You must remain true to each culture's specific traditions and practices! That has no value to my spiritual path whatsoever. My way is the only true way to God! Attributing that meaning to that deity ignores the wider context. Eco-Pagan: Let's go to MacDonald's! That tree's got bad energy - cut it down! Recycling is for pussies with a guilty conscience. Actually, I think GM is an interesting approach to... I just love what George Bush is doing with his Presidency. Protesting? Nah, it's just a waste of time. I've never been on an anti-capitalist demonstration. I bought shares in Esso/Nestlé/Microsoft/MacDonalds. Fam. trad: Yes, Ron Hutton - nice guy, excellent research. Fiona Horne: No way, that's too gimmicky! Fluffy bunny: I read this in a book and just had to validate it by cross-referencing it against this academic journal... I never do anything unless it's got empirical proof. I don't believe that. Gardnerians: Y'know, I think Aleister Crowley was a very enlightened individual... Alicen Geddes-Ward: No, YOU can't be a Faerie Priestess. Gerald Gardner: Actually, we'll skip the scourging for this ritual... For Gods' sakes, put your clothes back on! Nah, I made it all up. Golden Dawn: Right, let's make this ritual short and simple. Hedgewitch/Solitary: I think you can only be a real witch if you're initiated into a coven. No, online Pagan forums hold no charm for me. King Arthur Pendragon: For goodness sake, we can drink later - keep your minds on the ritual! New Agers: I've got too many crystals. Some of my best friends are Satanists. You want me to heal you with that??!! Hello, I'm a New Ager. Yes, I was initiated into Gardner's original coven in 1972. Eventually got my Third Degree y'know. All this Native American stuff is just a fad. I think Glastonbury's crap. No, one of my past lives was not in Atlantis. I was no-one special in a past life. I think the British Empire was a really good idea... Call me fluffy, and I'll BLOODY KILL YOU!!! Northern Heathens/Asatru: I'm teetotal. I quite like the idea of the Christian heaven. I'm a huge Wagner fan. Ralph Blum is my hero! Runes? Ah, I could take 'em or leave 'em. Freyja is not my ideal woman. Ronald Hutton: It's an unbroken tradition you say? Okay, I'll take your word for it. Satanists: Hekas, hekas, este Babloi! An' it harm none, do what ye will. I believe in the Law of Threefold Return. I hate egoists. Can I help you? I have immense respect for the Pope. Let's recite this Latin invocation forwards! Shamans: Kids, just say no. Silver Ravenwolf: Let's keep a sense of proportion and dignity in our magic. Starhawk: Yes it's true. I do suffer from penis envy. SubGenius: No, really -- We are a joke! Tarot-holic: Y'know, I think I've got too many Tarot decks... No, that's only got a very tenuous link to the Tarot... That card means you're going to die! The King of Wands is really not my type. I don't think we can make a deck with that theme... Thelemites: I'm trying to bring out my Inner Child. Of course, the Book of the Law is a badly written fake... I don't think much of Goth or Industrial music, but how about that Cliff Richard? I enjoy wearing bright colours... I only wear black because it's slimming. I think Arthur Edward Waite was on the right track... Actually, I think Christianity is a really nice religion. Maybe Crowley did do too many drugs. You're eclectic are you? Cool! Here, eat these cookies - I've empowered them with love and light. Wanna-blessed-be's: Right, the first book I'm going to read is Triumph of the Moon... No, I don't think you're patronizing me or oppressing me at all! And finally, one's we're all guilty of (or not, as the case may be)... Nah, let's not go down the pub tonight - isn't there anywhere else we can have a moot? Isn't it great that we all agree? Let's call our social events 'meetings'! Everybody here on time? Yes? Good. I agree with George Bush's policies... Monotheism is clearly a superior concept. Beltane celebration? Nah, I'll stay at home thanks. I don't see what's so great about Stonehenge... Tabloid journalists get their facts straight about Pagans... There should be a Pagan evangelical movement. You know all those recent cattle and horse mutilation crimes? That was us. I don't mind people taking the piss out of my spiritual path in a university society magazine

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. Joan of Arc heard voices, too. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. I am at one with my duality. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. Rather than curse the darkness, I could light a candle... with a little luck, I could torch the place. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 30th birthday. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging? I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." False hope is nicer than no hope at all. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step-- blaming my parents. To understand all is to fear all. I will be accepting and kind, and learn to love televangelists

1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur. 2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your god's name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful. 3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head. 4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight, you're just asking for trouble. 5. Citronella candles may *not* be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Dark Lords. 6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, thuggee knife, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change. 7. *Never* be the cultist that goes to rough up the investigator. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames. 8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader. Enraged demons always go for the pompous. 9. Don't gloat. 10. If you do gloat, never reveal your plans. 11. If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the investigators to die slowly. They don't. 12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they show up to foil you. 13. Investigators always show up at the last moment to foil you. Start a half-hour early, they hate that. 14. Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment. 15. Never fuck with anything whose genetic structure you do not feel absolutely comfortable about. 16. Never admit to having fucked anything whose genetic structure you didn't feel absolutely comfortable about. 17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip. 18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles. 19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered bad form. 20. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit comes down it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath. 21. Never play strip Tarot. 22. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god, and his soul. However, it is also true that God is on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat. 23. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock-victim sculpted from Spam will be all right too. 24. Try not to impale your high priest with your ceremonial dagger. Not only is this bad form, but it will ensure that you are the next sacrificial victim. 25. Never join your life force to anything with red glowing eyes.

So far today, Goddess, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help!

A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?" "Where am I?" asks the Pagan. "Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course." "B-but I don't believe..." "Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste. "Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks. "It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path." "Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?" "I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here." "WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!" "Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left." So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good." A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?" "SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?" "Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile. "Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks. "Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow. "Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously. "At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?" "Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?" "Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on. "Are you serious...?" he finally asked. Satan grinned at him innocently. "Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?" Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth. Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?" Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"

Seems there was a group of Ku Klux Klansmen in Texas who heard that some Pagans were holding a ritual out in the woods somewhere. Having run out of other minorities to harass, they decided to get back to their roots and practice some religious bigotry in addition to the usual racial intolerance and break up the party with a good ol' cross-burning. So anyway, these fellows loaded up some lumber and a couple of cans of gasoline and went out hunting for these Pagans they'd heard about, hoping to catch them dancing nekkid around a fire or something. They found the spot where the other vehicles were parked and donned their hoods. Grabbing the lumber and gasoline, they assembled a cross and strode off into the woods, confident that they'd scare any remaining pants off the fluffybunny Pagans. They were a little disconcerted to find themselves looking at the business end of at least 2 spears, a couple of swords, assorted knives, and more than one firearm. They'd crashed an Asatru blot and didn't realize that not all Pagans are pacifists. From somewhere behind the hardware, a voice called out "If that cross goes up, you're getting nailed to it. I've got my hammer right here..." The Klansmen left in a bit of a hurry, it's said.