Heywood Jablowme's blog: "Humor"

Smart Answers SMART MOUTH ANSWER #5 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked, 'What are my choices?' the passenger asked, 'Yes or no,' she replied. SMART MOUTH ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' SMART MOUTH ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART MOUTH ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving a long on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh.' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' SMART MOUTH ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness , or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is r educed to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.' A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' He never heard the gun shot....

Proof that Men Have Better Friends... Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Nigerian official: greedy marks as guilty as 419 scammers By Jacqui Cheng | Published: August 22, 2008 - 10:40AM CT People who fall for so-called "Nigerian scams" aren't victims at all—in fact, they're greedy and should be jailed, according to Nigerian high commissioner Sunday Olu Agbi. He said today that Nigeria has gained a bad reputation because of the scams perpetrated by a minuscule number of people, and that those who find themselves involved with the scams are equally as guilty as those running them. "The Nigerian Government frowns very seriously on these scams... and every day tries to track down those who are involved," Olu Agbi told the Sydney Morning Herald in response to a previous article on Australians falling for Nigerian scams. "People who send their money are as guilty as those who are asking them to send the money." Out of the 140 million people in Nigeria, Olu Agbi said that fewer than 0.1 percent were involved in Nigerian scams. The scams, also referred to as 419 scams or advance-fee fraud, predate the Internet, but have exploded in recent years thanks to the proliferation of e-mail and instant money transfers. Although the scams can take on many forms—from payments for products sold on eBay or Craigslist, to deposits on houses and purchases of plane tickets for "true love" on the other side of the ocean—they all follow the same general theme. Scammers send huge checks to unsuspecting victims with some story attached to explain the overpayment, and the victim is expected to wire back the difference immediately. Eventually when the checks are deposited, they bounce and the victim is out a lot of money. Sometimes, victims are tricked into thinking they'll eventually be paid back and continue to participate in this endless cycle of sending money, especially if the scammer is wooing them romantically (which happens more commonly than one might think, to both men and women). Although this kind of fraud originates from all over the world, it seems to have an unusually high concentration in Africa and, specifically, Nigeria. This has, unsurprisingly, cast Nigeria in a negative light. Olu Agbi said that Nigeria's reputation for being involved with the scams has even hurt the country's ability to land business deals. "[T]hose who want to transact business with us are always very suspicious," he told the newspaper. Still, Olu Agbi's "blame the victim" mentality won't help Nigeria win any friends, but education on how to spot 419 scams and avoid falling for them can certainly go a long way in curbing their growth. After all, once victims stop blindly forking over cash, scammers will have to figure out some other way to make money.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.' 2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.' 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' 4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.' 5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' 6. Basketball ana lyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.' 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.' 8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' 9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ' Canada , sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' 'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .' 'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008 NEW OFFICE POLICY Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world: Mexifornia; White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped! Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years for radioactivity to decrease to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being invaded by Jamaica. No other countries come forward to help. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. U.S. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise are the keys to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. Free abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States. Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though regular gas is selling for 4532 pesos per liter and filling stations are open only on Tuesdays and Fridays. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of convicted criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

I become confused when I hear these terms which reference the word 'service'. Internal Revenue 'Service' U.S. Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' T.V. 'Service' Civil 'Service' City & County Public 'Service' Customer 'Service' This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

Farmer sends message to neighbors with car fence Mon Aug 4, 4:50 PM ET A farmer has erected a fence in his backyard made of three old cars sticking up in the air to send a message to new neighbors that he can do whatever he wants on his farm. "This is just a fun way for me to say, 'Hey boys, I'm still here,'" said Rhett Davis. "This is my redneck Stonehenge." Davis came up with the idea after neighbors who recently moved into homes next to his hayfield complained about his farm. "The people who bought the homes say, 'Well, we love looking into your yard and seeing the horses and the cattle, but we don't like the flies, and we don't like the mosquitoes,' and when I cut my field to bale it, they say, 'We don't like the dust in the air,' " Davis said. Davis said he offered to pay half the cost of a fence between his property and the others and to build it. He said his neighbors declined the offer, saying it would block their view. Neighbors declined to comment to the Standard-Examiner of Ogden. Davis said after the neighbors declined his offer, he used a backhoe to dig three large holes on the edge of his property, then took three cars that had competed in demolition derbies and planted them nose-first into the ground. He said the cars were planted out of humor rather than spite. He said it's important that new residents moving into the area realize that Hooper remains a farming community. The area has grown recently with new residents who desire a country atmosphere but don't want the smells and noises of farm life, Davis said. "I respect that they're here and spent a lot on their homes, but on the other hand, give me a little bit, too. I've been here since I was 7 years old," he said. Davis said he doesn't intend to keep the cars up permanently. "I've talked to my neighbors and worked things out. I really just thought this would be a funny thing to do," he said. "These can come out just as easy as they went in."

Overheard In Florida Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?' ************************************************* Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from years past shopping at the local Piggly Wiggly and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.' ************************************************* A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the w oman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?' He replies, 'I lived here years ago.' 'So, where were you all these years?' 'In prison,' he says. 'Why did they put you in prison?' He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.' 'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!' ************************************************* Two elderly people living in a Port Charlotte Retirement Community, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big clubhouse. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?' After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, 'Yes. Yes, I will!' The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say, 'yes' or did she say 'no'?' He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will.' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.' * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state- of-the-art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.' * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Morris, an 82 year-old man in Miami , went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful,' Morris replied. To which the doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!' * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'