Dakotablue's blog: "Humor"

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can itty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A . They don't have balls to scratch! OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

- Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. - There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Arkansas, plus a couple no one's seen before. - Squirrels will eat anything. - Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants. - Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe. - If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. - A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck. - "Onced" and "Twiced" are words. - It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy. - People actually grow and eat okra. - Fixinto is one word. - There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's breakfast, dinner and then there's supper. - Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2. - Backards and forwards means I know everything about you. - Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?" - You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. - You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. More about Arkansans.... You know you're from Arkansas if: 1. You measure distance in minutes. 2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 3. You know what a razorback is. 4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the EZ-Mart with no one in it, no matter what time of the year. 5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. 6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. 7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 8. You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car. 9. You know what "cow tipping" is 10. The local papers cover national and international news on one page -- but requires six pages for local gossip and sports. 11. The local school lets out for the first day of deer season and you think it should be a national holiday. 12. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm". 13. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas. 14. You know whether another person from Arkansas is from east, west, central or southern Arkansas as soon as they open their mouth. 15. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin wal-martin"(older crowd) or off to"Wally World"(younger bunch). 17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather. 18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinna coke you want?" 19. Fried Catfish is the other white meat. 20. You understand these jokes and will probably forward them to your friends from Arkansas(and those who just wish they were)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a Computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer!I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1". COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1". COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! A FEW DAYS LATER . . ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START".........

Seasonal Differences in the regions of the USA: 60 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and woolly hats. Chicago people sunbathe. 50 degrees - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Chicago people plant gardens. 40 degrees - Italian cars won't start. Chicago people drive with the windows down. 32 degrees - CHICAGO--NO PLACE LIKE IT! Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan's water gets thicker. 20 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold. 15 degrees - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt. 10 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt. 20 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Chicago people get out their winter coats. 40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door. 50 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. 60 below -- Microbial life survives on dairy products. Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Chicago people start saying. . "Cold 'nuff for ya??" 500 below - Hell freezes over. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd. Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy new one. If in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that. All directions start with, "I-94" ... which has no beginning and no end. The morning rush hour is from 5AM to noon. The evening rush hour is from 3PM to 10PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. Construction on the Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had so much fun with that we have added the Elgin O'Hare Expressway (which oddly enough doesn't go to Elgin OR O'Hare) and I-355 to the mix. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!" If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period. First Ave, LaGrange Rd, NW Highway, all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). If asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side you better be armed. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy. The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is not ornamental. The Congress Expressway, commonly referred to as the Eisenhower Expressway is our daily version of NASCAR (though often at speeds that don't exceed 5 mph). The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap." If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round. If you go to Wrigley Field pay the $25.00 to park in the "Cubs Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him. Chicago, there's no place like it!

This man in a Volkswagon Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagon says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!" The light turns and the man in the Volkswagon takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagon. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagon are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagon. The man in the Volkswagon finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Volkswagon says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.) An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept! Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases. HAVE A GREAT DAY... .....and wash your damn hands

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 8. Dont use any punctuation ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 12. Sing along at the opera. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . Pass this on to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?" I'm thinking, "Belinda . try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice.... it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I yelled. "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk." Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks." "You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........