steve's blog: "I FEEL SOOO SAD :("

i get on line here for the first time after the sabbath which ended like 20 minutes ago--a number of my friends are angry at me---ok--lemme 'splain. i am going thru some horrible downcycling last week--some of the worst ever. i come home early from work just in case i would get dangerous to myself--i wanted to be home--i go check the computer--i must--it crashed last week and i lost everything. i medicate at 2.45--and thinking i'll be back before sabbath starts at 4.30--i leave everything where it is--well--i get up at 4.48--it was already sabbath--so that was it. at fubar it said i was on-line--my status at 2.45--so ur writing to me--i ain't answering--ur getting mad at me--i'm getting sad--please forgive me for all

OK--a few days ago, as u know -i get a message from fubar admin saying they were deleting a photo cause it was 'obscene' or 'nfsw'--by process of elimination--i realize it was my 'salute' photo--THE ONE THE SAME ADMIN APPROVED ON 7/23/2007--LIKE 4 1/2 MONTHS AGO. if it was so obscene-how did it survive for almost 130 days--and why was it deleted then? and the thing that angered me the most is that they ignored me when i requested which photo was obscene--I SO HATE BEING IGNORED so-i take a new salute photo--admin just approved it--in 4 months -will it too be deemed obscene?

WELL GUYS--i don't have any NSFW pix here--didn't for 4 + months---so i ask: 'which one of my pix do you deem NSFW?'--and guess what --24 hours after asking that question--it remains IGNORED---and I HATE BEING IGNORED. especially after being accused of something. i had no 'nekid' pix there--cept the one that says i'm nekkid--which is from the neck up and still remains--maybe it wasn't nekkidness--but offensiveness cause i looked ugly--but damn it why doesn't someone tell me

i took the stage last night for the first time since 9/24--when a drunk man shouted 'hey, you cleared the bar' which put me into a long-term period of depression and self doubt. the retrofests were great--i played 1 through 7 or so---that was in 7/2006--then it seemed that i wasn't good and/or professional enough--so i was never asked to play.--then it seems again there was room for me--yeah!--and its all for charity which is the best part. so the guidelines for this one was it must be songs released in the 1960's. i get real ambitious--i choose the Who's first rock opera--1966's a quick one while he's away'--it's like 7 different mini-songs running like 10 minutes long--filled with frequent time and style changes---and i pulled it off--just me--playing bass and programming a beat machine. i'm so glad my daughter Heidi was there--and the support from the club for me was wonderful-.

this sucks--i'VE been suffering with the wrong end of the bipolar days now--these holidays don't help--damn-they hurt so much-so sabbath is over--i rush to my e-mails----went to email address 1---2 google alerts(good) and 15 spams---then to e-mail address 2--my music business and friend address--NOTHING--ZERO-ZIP-NADA--now i really feel unwanted and like dying--so i go to myspace--yay--2 real messages--thank u gals--but 36 f-ckin spams--17 from those i wrote to to tell them to please stop spamming me. and thank you here who really do care--love yas

so - put up my pic -the one from the back cover of 'jewish pirate'---i did it like 2 days ago---my bar tab--i counted at least 12 ratings of '10;--but the pic itself--well--it says rating 10(3)===what the other 9+ who made me feel better by looking at me--where are their votes. this is such a bad time to have a pro0blem in admin--sorry but thank all oxxxoxo

quote-yes a quote from a drunk man after i finished my set at a bar 2 weeks ago--i couldn't talk about it-does that mean i played so horribly that no one could bear to be in the same building as i played?--wow--i haven't been heckled by anyone for over 2 years-it left me full of self-doubt, useless feeling and quite suicidal for days- i can't believe that happened. i played an acoustic show--i practiced so hard for it--and someone said that. and to add insult to insult--i requested friendship on myspace from a worker at the bar--they refused me. i don't think i'll be playing anywhere anytime soon. thank you very much Currently listening : Melancholia Falling By Steve Lieberman The Gangsta Rabbi

and they said this: your ugly the picture is poor quilty my choice get over it AND I ASK THIS-WTF IS A 'QUILTY'--IS IT A QUILT THAT'S NOT INNOCENT? scuse me--i'm gonna rate this person all 10's!

rejection--such a deadly emotion for someone like me--and i'm feeling it so strong --and all over--even here on fubar. if i befriend someone here or they me--i might give them a gift in gratitute--then they might give me a gift--and say things of a complimentary nature to make me feel all good--damn--i love that sorta stuff--i write back-they're gone--for good--not just once--damn like probably 100+ times--damn--i'm feeling so frickin' inferior--if i'm such a frickin' bore--just do nothing if i give u a gift-the 1st time--or better yet--reply "TY"--i'll go away--fast believe me--if you hang out healing my severely bruised soul--stay around awhile--ok---but don't just ignore me--damn--this happens so much

THE LETTER I WROTE TO MATISYAHU ON MYSPACE--ME AND HIM WERE COMPARED MILLIONS OF TIMES--AND NOW HE'S BECOME WAY TOO BIG wow Ad'on Miller--what a change from the gentleman who played the Downtown 2 weeks before me 2 years ago--yeah--that was the peak of my career--for you it was just the start--your playing whatever and i'm playing late night open mic's on mondays-to a crowd of 5-7 drunken men-SOMETIMES HUNDREDS OF MILES FROM HOMEand you want to know something---i'll take that any day over what you got--you probably won't even get this cause you admitted you only check your myspace page out occassionally and your myspace webmaster will intercept this. 2 years ago--you requested my friendship -the day after i finished up arrangements for my show at the downtown-no you won't even accept my friendship request--that's just not right Mr. Matis---sorry