AmberNicole's blog: "i figured it's about time."

so i probably won't be online for a few days, i'mm be camping. but that shouldn't stop you from leaving me lots of love to come home to :] thanks!! and ill miss you all!!!! ♥ AmberNicole

yeah, today is no good. not only is monday gay. but it's also May 15th. this is year 7. and if you don't know what i'm talking about i guess i can explain. R.I.P. Jeremy. this week has been pretty hard for me. today is the hardest. you see, exactly 7 years ago, my oldest brother Jeremy James Lipinski, who was 20 at the time, shot and killed himself. i miss him so damn much. i cant believe he's been gone for 7 years now! i was only 12 when he died. i mean i turned 13 the week after, but when you think about that holy shit i was young. im 19 now, 20 on the 24th. ive grown and matured so much (being serious here). i mean he has missed so much in those 7 years. i mean i wish he was here, not just for me, but to watch his godchild and niece, Anna grow up. she was less than a year old when he died, now she will be 8 in october. i mean damn. and Matthew, our little brother, he has grown so much too! Jeremy is missing it all. i wish i knew why he did it. it would help me a lot. maybe i could actually sleep at nite. maybe i wouldnt wake up crying and shaking. maybe i wouldnt have all of those nightmares. maybe i could stop hurting myself. emotionally and physically. i miss him SO MUCH!i just wish i could wake up from this nightmare that i have been living for the past 7 years. i wish i could just wake up and it would all be gone. and Jeremy would be there to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright, and i didnt have anything to worry about because he wasnt going anywhere. but im not going to wake up, and hes not going to be there to comfort me, because its not just a nightmare, this is life, my life, without my brother. he is gone, and there is nothing in the whole fucking world that i can do to change that!i will admit that at times i have missed him so much that i have thought to take the same route as him, kill myself, so i could join him in death, but i thought of all the people here that miss him, all of the people here that help comfort me, all of the people whose lives ive touched, all of those who i have changed,all of those who i have to be here for. i cant leave them now. we have been through too much together.ill end it with this: "Why" by: Amber Nicole Kolp (May 15th 2001) why does he leave us here to cry why does the sun set over the soft summer sky why is he gone i love him i swear im going to be thirteen i was hoping to share thoughts and ideas while he was there but now he is gone he took his own life i was oping that one day he would have a wife and some children to laugh and play but today he took that all away big brother why do you realize you werent supposed to die you will no longer be able to look at the soft summer sky all i have to say is why?

mkay, if you don't already know, my birthday is just around the corner. [may 24th] i'll be 20. whatever. either way, i plan on looking fantastic! [hahaha] i've narrowed down my dress search to these dresses, now i just need your help to make my final decision. :] [thanks in advance] A. from Forever21 B. from wet seal C. from wet seal thanks!! ...if you have any other suggestions. i'm open to them... unless you say go naked. because, i think i could get in legal trouble for something like that. haha ♥ AmberNicole

ehhhhhh. so. there was a big tim hortons dilema. and the oven wasnt working. and so at 2 am i was asked to drive from our store to the other store that the owners own... anyway. im driving. and an animal is running across the road. i forget everything i know about not breaking for animals. and i slam on my breaks, and my car swerves. and i end up in a ditch. knocked over a fucking tree... and yeah. there i was. in a ditch. in the dark. in the woods. freaking out. and now im home. so talk to me.

help Current mood: blah Category: Life this winter has really placed a toll on me. ive been more depressed than ive been in a while. ive been doing a good job of hiding everything and putting on my big smile and faking my "happy-go-lucky" personality that you expect from me. ive always been good at acting. im barely eating again. which is how i can tell ive hit bottom. i havent been this bad since my sophomore year. im not quite as bad as i was then, but its getting there. either way, im scared. i know that a lot of this is being caused from the stress of responsibilities that i have now as an adult. ...what i wouldn’t give to be 5 again. i’ve got bills to pay, a job i hate [that doesn’t pay enough], im terrified of driving...but its something that i have to do. ive realized that i know nothing about love, and everything i thought i knew about it up until this point was just an illusion. things can change. and change isn’t always a good thing. i miss having friends. real friends. and im sorry, i dont mean to offend you, but talking to me online and never hanging out with me, never even attempting to hang out with me doesn’t make you a real friend. i miss hanging out, and going places, doing nothing and everything all at once. as much as i hated high school, i didnt realize how much i’d miss it. atleast i felt like i had real friends at that point. i know mark has been busy with school and work, and melissa has her baby now. and its just this whole growing up thing really sucks. everything changes. and you either move foward or get left behind. i need to make some changes in my life. i need to go back to school. i need to build tighter bonds with select people. i need to figure myself out. and i need to learn to love myself. i think i may take a vacation in a month or two. by myself. just to spend time getting to know the person i am. and maybe helping change into the person i’d like to be...

so valentines Day will be here before you know it. ive decided to think outside the box this year and create an application to decide who is worthy of being my valentine. Name: Age: Location: Reason I should choose you: Be creative:) I may update this as I think of more things I want to know about my potential Valentine. Have fun & good luck! <3 AmberNicole

if anyone actually reads this.
i need help.
i cant decide whether i want my hair blonde or brown.
i need input.
kthx. ♥



blonde


brown
>


THANK YOUS!!

well, the problem is simple. i am in dire need of a new hair style. i need new color too. im thinking blonde. well, here are some ideas that i had. what i need you to do is tell me which one you think would look best on me. :] 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. PLEASE VOTE!! i NEED input! thankyou much. ♥ BUr.

so i figured it was time for me to start writing in my blog. i should have been doing it for months now because i could've vented while all this shit was happening, but thats what i had livejournal and myspace for i guess. ANYWAY ive been through a whole lot these past few months. i lost two grandfathers, my puppy, ive had serious court cases [i could be facing 7yrs in jail. not too fun and id rather not talk about it], my baby cousin was in the hospital again because of his disease, my uncle is losing his battle against cancer, my boyfriend had been seeing another girl behind my back, then he broke up with me. and all of this just hit me at once. and i was like, so far into depression. but im doing fine now. i really am. welllll. i figure i should just say that i love people. i love getting messages. and more than that i loveLOVElove picture comments. i just like knowing what people think of me. even if you think im grody, leave me a comment and let me know so i can totally bitch you out. :] hahaha if you've read this far thank you. i think this is long enough. ♥ BUrface. [or Amber if you wanna be technical about it.]