Cat's blog: "I..."

Makes me wonder sometimes "WHERE THE HELL DO THEY COME UP WITH THIS STUFF!!!???"

Hmmm... *thinks*

What a long day!!! The paper work from the day before was screwed right up so I had to go back and fix it. I really don't care for fixing other people's mistakes, especially knowing they are not my mistakes. If it was my own mistakes, I wouldn't mind going back to fix them. I got 2 pay raises, was made a manager and now I'm working on certification for another higher level of manager's position. I like the pay raises but the responsibility I can do without. It's annoying having to deal with cranky, lazy employees and having to deal with all the complaints. Who the hell do I complain to when I get bitchy?!!!? But overall, our numbers are up and that looks good for our consultant. He's a numbers man. Unfortunately, having this new position means that I work more hours if something goes wrong or if there is an emergency. Oh lucky me. I liked the position I was in before. I fought the manager's position for a while, that is until they just handed me the position. I guess I shouldn't complain considering that there are so many people out there who would love my job and the pay that comes with it. There... said and done... now I can have a relaxed evening :)

I live in a world of unforeseen circumstance. Where the future is not guaranteed and death is but a treasure. I cling to what I can not see hoping it becomes a part of me. Dreams of lies, a song unsung the neverending melody. Shattered and broken, scars reopen digging deeper in me. A broken heart torn apart bleeding silently through me.

Once I was happy and warm now I look over a Wall at a world that I fear. Behind this Wall with me are feelings, feelings of being afraid of people of being exposed to people. Scared of being laughed at. Feelings that I want to set free, but the Wall! Oh that damned Wall! That same Wall that I curse, but at the same time thank for protecting me from people that want to get close. Afraid to let people get to know me for fear the real me is no good. So I play my roles that let people think differently of me. I play my bitter role where I become cold and vicious, when I pretend I could not care. Scared to let people know what I do care about for they would take it away from me. I play my joker or fool role, when I act like a clown. This makes people think I am a happy child and what could possibly be wrong with her? She is always laughing. True, on the outside I am laughing but inside I cry. I cry a painful and silent cry of something that hurts so bad. I shove it to the back of my mind. Afraid to deal with it. I laugh. In a sense I laugh at what is bothering me which brings out my tough role where I say I do not need anyone and they see this and they leave me alone. But I do need them. I need them to see through this role of mine. But they don't. So, I go into my guilt role where I just sit and wait for someone to ask "What's wrong?" When they do ask I just say nothing because I am not sure what to say or where to start or because I am not sure where they stand. Do they really care? Or are they just being nosy? Or maybe they just ask because it is their job. This sets me in my suicide mood where I become very angry. Angry because they didn't try hard enough to find out what was wrong which leads me to believe they don't care. Angry at myself for not telling them what bothers me. I start saying I hate living it isn't worth it and I attempt or think very seriously about suicide. But, I don't want to die! What I really want is for someone to come inside the Wall to see how I really feel to help me break the Wall down and escape. Help me destroy the Wall... before the Wall destroys me!

See you not my invisible twin? A mirror image of another life. Dark and murderous beneath the surface - untamed. Walked I through the storms swirling mist carrying but a fragile light. A black figure followed. I felt a mysterious alliance - distorted. United are we by a chord of humanity. Internally universal but concealed. A hidden domain of ancient realms dangerously born in me - complex. See you not my darkened self? Possessed by an unknown rage. Surrounded by a fierce reality. Face to face with its opposite - confrontation. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde world of reason alienated. Consciousness disillusioning. Powers of darkness vulnerable - contradiction. Walked I from dark to light. Turned to confront my follower. Shocked with fear and despair. My story, the thread of life unraveled... Meet the enemy, my shadow - myself. Bound by psychic glue. Cat 2000

I shit. I piss. I fart. I drink. I smoke. I spit. I swear. I am human... get over it and deal with it. Not like you don't do it either.