The Big Bad Wolf's blog: "In the mind of The Big Bad Wolf"

You know what im glad that everyone has happy little lives and familys they get along with and shit. But quit asking me what im doing for the holidays, because im tired of your pitty when I tell you nothing. Its so nice that you have places to go and people to see. Hu-fucking-ra for you. Leave me the fuck alone.

My sweet mother so high in the darkness. Shine your plae love light down on your lost son. Everyday I feel closer to death, preying for it. Ive forgotten what its like to run with the pack and feel the forrest in my veins. The afterlife beckons.... I have nothing left to keep me here, so I walked on padded feet slowly to my own death. She is beautiful in her black garbs as she opens her embrace to me. I meet her lips for an instant and I am no more. Another lost child of of the past finding my home where all things long since lost have found thier rest.

What a beautiful lie it is. To be told that time will heal all wounds. No it doesnt and anyone who tells you diffrently is a fucking liar. The only thing time does is make the pain throb less, and the scars a little less bloody. We carry these scars to remind of us of what, and who we once were. This is the way it really works, and once something has cut your heart deep enough to touch your soul....those are the scars that last forever. But what a beautiful lie it is.....

I reilised tonight on the verge of tears that I am not me in my heart anymore(yeah thats right real men cry motherfuckers) I lost that battle feild fire. All because of something devastating that happened not to long ago. There is a person/persons on fubar who know exactly what im talking about. if you dont thats kool too because im making a point, At least I hope. I have let the fact that my heart is broken bring me to my knees. Its funny you spend enough time down there looking at the muck and the shit thats exactly what you start to feel like. But then tonight I reilised something, better yet remembered something about myself I had forgotten a long time ago, trying to be someone I wasnt for someone I loved....Im a fucking soilder. Street raised and tested, military approved fucking soilder! I cant fucking belive I have let the fire in my heart die out. So heres the message to everyone. Consider me the beast of burden, and pile it on heavy fuckers, because im never gonna get held down again. There aint enough weight in the world to drop me to my knees again. So remember that when you try and throw your slings and arrows my way...Imma just keep moving through you motherfuckers. Have a nice day.

I wrote this a long time ago when I first met my ex wife. I found it not to long ago, and barring the fact it was written for her. I still like it, I hope you do too. For My Angel. There was a time so long ago when heaven seeemed so far away. All I could do was watch from afar shedding crimson tears. Heaven is where my angel was, so close yet so far. In her pressence I couldnt speak my name, yet she loved me all the same. One touch of her finger tips brought fire to my lips. *Chours* Heaven's just a stones throw away, you can use a coin toss to pay. Heads or tails, right or wrong, my own personal angel inspired this song. She told me "lay your heavy heart to rest on my silken soft lips, and wait for Heaven like the rest." I was trapt in a land of rising suns, each day feeling more undone. This place is always strife, and seemingly darker everystep I take. Dim street lights lighting a sad path further into life. Light comes in and fades out, im was giving into my pain and plight. Im silently slipping into "That good night." *Chours* Love is anything but forgiving, even when it causes my singing. Old wounds still stinging, her voice in my ears still ringing. For blades and arrows that we are slinging, its my peice of heaven she was bringing. When my angel calls out to me from the past, to put my pain to rest at last. *Chours*

Walk along the path you know, not to stray lead by the things we do. Wonder not of the worlds of pain and sadness you know not. Stay in the light, dance with the fireflys and bask in the happiness you do know. My sweet torn prince, fall not on your sword and drift to far. Once you played in the feilds with angels and fiaries. Now your path is littered with the bones of the dead, of the past. Remember the warmth on your face, the light guiding your darkness. My sweet torn prince, kiss not the tainted lips of the things you remember so foldly. Walk the wicked path and find yourself again, Become whole again.

So im sitting here at almost midnight, listening to music an chillen. Just got done talking to the ex wife about the divorce a little, which always puts me in a fowl mood. But then the music starts....Hold on, I found another way to let you go....Its like it couldnt be more perfect ya know. Just learn to let the shit go. Its not as simple as take a deep breath or anything but why bother getting upset by it? Ill admit that is a struggle and easier said then done. But yeah know, you have to remember that if you did the walking or the other person did, you two arnt togather for a reason right? Several in some cases. All im really saying is, it gets easier to find a new reason to let go everyday, you'll make it to the end of the road. Just stay the course. love to all my peeps.-Xavier.

I always thought divorce, though heart crushing was a fairly striaght forward thing. It turns out I was wrong. What they never tell you is how you find a way to live your life everyday without someone you swore to spend it with. It's losing your best friend in the world, then trying to cope when your world falls down around you. Divorce it self can be about many things, or few. I suppose it just depends on what sets you off. One person, or both find that they can no longer love the one they are with, or maybe just not enough to make forever a reality. What ever the case maybe I would like to think there is a point where the anger and the bitterness just fades away. It did for me. All that is left now is a feeling of loss, and sarrow. I lost the one person in the world who understood me better then anyone. Understood me enough to become my wife, and to be the one woman in the world I trusted the way I did. Now that I dont have that friend to talk to you about anything, the one who never judges you, the one that sits there intently and lets you get every awful and hurt feeling off your chest. I find that is what I miss the most out of all things at this point. Simply knowing that there was someone out there who knew the good and the bad, and loved and supported you regaurdless. So I guess in the end all im trying to really say.... If your with someone you love, but you feel that love start to fade a little. Or things have been building up over time. Take the time to stop and think about what you'll truely be losing by throwing in the towel. In the end, the dream of being happier with someone new, just isnt worth the cost of giving up the reality of what you have right in front of you. -Xavier.