heidi the terrible xDOSx's blog: "insane ramblings of me"

sun beats down thru my window as i awake,one eye opens and you drift from my dreams with me drift to a new day i fight my memory as i pry longing longing to see inside my dream but i only know one thing for sure in my dream you were there holding me close keeping me warm and safe keeping me real without any fear still one eye open i feel you feel you by my side i hold you closer as our hearts beat together this beautiful morning i make love to you make love to you in my mind as you feel so close so warm and exciting you could easily become an addiction your mind so one with mine this beautiful morning i make love to you make love to you in my mind a reality of perfect togetherness waiting this beautiful morning i make love to you

seek a man who will build for you a pedestal of your own design then refuse to put you on it seek a man who encourage you to climb your own pedestal and who will be there to catch you if you fall

 

MY OH MY!

i can barely breath

except to whisper "baby"

with a heated urgency

and i'm losing myself just a little bit more

its like falling

but instead of embracing emptiness

i wrap tighter around you

and the landing

pillow soft

like your lips

tracing poetic silence across my flesh

each unspoken word hiding behind gasps

gutteral sounds masking operettas

and your tattooing my soul

MY OH MY!

can we stay like this forever

joined together

flesh and bone

but soul and spirit are racing to keep up

and i think if your there to guide me

i can handle it better

maybe im not losing myself at all

only gaining you in doses

meted out a bit at a time

to cure my ills

MY OH MY

the time has come again to stop thinking

and simply to feel

you and i

becoming we finally

you feel like possesion

you taste like need

and im turning inside out

spiraling in  delicious frenzy

holding you closer

becoming so aware of you

and when its all over

i can simply do nothing

the only thought i have

MY

OH

MY!!!!

on and eerie,dreary night,

besiged by sleeplessness and spite,

i lie awake,tossing turning,

deep inside emotions burning

restlessness still setting the tone

of eventide,again alone

for a cold night tho not a friend

i followed just the same

 

something familiar felt in voice

impelled me as if i had a choice

so i embarked upon this quest

for peace of mind that i may rest

without slight of fright or worry

without anxiousness or hurry

delving a forest,deep and darkened

come uncanny to the eye

humming a chant i now harkened

'neath the peering,leering sky

 

the assertion almost singing,luring

in hypnotic rhyme,conjuring

pulling me further,further still

from home i found so sad,so ill

till flowing in moonlight,beaming

saw i thought to be dreaming

with all elegance of gaudy heaven

glowing gossamers gleaming in dance

alas,i counted six,then seven

silky sweet in thier entrance

 

a sight truly most magestic

as i noticed now more loud the voices

singing silvery rejoices

the candid cobwebs,eager to please

guided,meager me,through the trees

continuing thier fantastic fandago

come upon a circle of souls

toasting drink,basking in fires glow

and reading from old scrolls

 

souls i never met but knew i knew

a subtle sense of daja vu

set down to what seemed my saved place

i reckoned on each enlightened face

john keats,oscar wilde,alfred tennyson

walt whitman and lord byron

one other stood off from the bunch

obviously discontent

i wasnt sure yet had a hunch

still joined in the merriment

 

walt spoke first,a ghostly song

i mulled o'er a cup of ale

he doth descry thru a glittery eye

for all aghast a ghostly tale

 

of ship,of bird,and all of word

i looked on him eyes all agloss

as the gossamers all too averred

round his neack formed an albatross

 

in woe of death and life in death

and eyes cast from the dead

sipping ale,i sucked down this tale

every last word he said

 

at first,all while drinking

what wonder lie in this verse

 

twas then oscar wilde did arise

far more tranquil in words and eyes

no less severe a lesson taught

 

he spoke of his return home

what memory doth upspring

feeling the dart of death sting

bugles fading,moonlight dim

grim and forever fallow

will such memory lie in him

this man ill ever hallow

 

the gossamers drawing near

each took shape of a cross

and all sat silent,in revere

for all could feel his loss

 

alfred tennyson then arose

to sing and fling in gentle hymn

he spoke of heavens held on high

he spoke of the flight of an eagle

 

i thought myself dead

with ghostly hosts to brag and boast

o'er the greatest writing i ever read

to share the yard with men i held in such high regard

when i noticed the one withdrawn soul

was but standing next a grave

 

john keats soon spoke

pulling me from my pity

he finds truths beauty upon an urn

 

up shot byron

in hand a skull turned drinking cup

he raved in all passions maddness

alas in echos of saddness

i heard him ask,"who killed john keats?"

 

he motioned me to center of the circ

as nothing i could share i felt of worth

somber sobriety o'er took my mirth

i gestured to the port by the grave

 

"be damned"begged keats now standing

"pay not this gent your time"

seldom does he share his rhymn

"he standth away from us to fine

alas he drinks ony wine"

 

"stranger"i called him"wont you join us?come share your line"

he turned to me discontently

alas eyes all devoid of shine

the pale moon shined o'er the gravestone

the name on it was mine

 

i looked to see him look at me

one foot yet gravelled in the grave

whence as he began to speak

the grew suddenly cold

a raven betook his shoulder

 

the gossamers,adust with fears

unto the forest vanished

but thought absurd,it seemed this bird

in unspoken word had them banished

 

it was poe now stood before me

sunken eyes that implored me

as if in question of a question

only i had dared to ask

 

fnally foot free and walking

was he charmed and to me talking

but never stopped the beast in squawking

in every story so disturbing

was this black beast with his chime

ever so disturbing was this

i knew full well the darkness of this spell

would outlast even time

 

still poe spoke on

bout the beauty,the love of a maiden

yet all attempt to speak her name

hung his head more in shame

with a single word all hope deferred

inferred the raven"nevermore"

 

clearly distraugt,i watched poe utter

as the raven stood wings a flutter

taking no mercy on his soul

"nevermore! at this your right"

blasted beast of evil take flight"

 

i looked to the grave,but poe was gone

forever set by the side of his blushing bride

so at this bird i swung and  swatted

i screamed a voicless scream

i removed the sheet from o'er my face

 

so clear this dream,so resounding

i open the door to draw in fresg air

instead i catch the ravens stare

wondering in dstress if somewhere

poe is smiling

 

each night these dreams overtake

a vision i cannot shake

a circle set with 7 spaces

a circle of souls but only 6 with faces

gossamers dancing around a flame

no one stands at the grave

upon the headstone whos name is still mine

"i have absoloutly no pleasure in the stimulants in which i sometimes so madly indulge.it has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that i have periled life and reputation and reason.it has been the desparate attempt to escape from torturing memories,from a sense of unsupportable lonliness,and a dread of some impending doom"

  edgar allen poe-1809-1849

i'm running again

wild on a thin line

borderline mania

so profane in a memory of compromise

a condition less favorable

a feeling so unstable

hold on

baby here i fucking go again

and you never questioned why

you just never mind

my neurotic ways

i treat myself

to death

hold on

baby here i fucking go again

and this isnt a dream

this isnt me in wonderland

im not holding a piece of heaven

no i was born a bad girl

some say im still a bad girl

with my pocket full of pills

aand my body full of booze

hold on

baby here i fuckong go again

im unable to show you

the real me when im like this

hold on

baby here i fucking go again

my fortune cookie said,"you will take a chance on something in the near future."

thank you confuscious/sherlock

yes,i am a risk taker,but i have the bases covered."now i lay me down to sleep,i pray the lord my soul to keep."

i mean,whats the worst that could happen?

if you said die in your sleep you totally missed the point.i could stop here and be obtuse,but i prefer to spell it out.the most precious earthly resource we all have is time and free will.wasting chances at living and not making the best choices possible may seem "safe" but that road only leads to a handful of memories and regrets.

the worst that could happen isnt that you die,but that you never truly live.

what is worth your life?

what is your life worth?

take a chance

spend it well.you only have one

the days go by and i feel the better part of my die.heart turned cold,no tears to cry.the person i was faded till there was nothing left to see.there is no evidence of the person i used to be.when everything is taken away and your left with cold reality.living in it everyday.there are no promises of a better tomorrow.each and everyday your memory leaves lingering sorrow.what do you do when everything you thought falls apart?all the love you had is no longer in your heart.the world seems to turn black and the happiness you felt is no more.what do you have left when you forget what there is to live for?