t0rtur3m3s0sw33tly's blog: "It Is What It Is..."

Ah, Michigan. A wonderland filled with freezing snow and slop. Filled with depression and poverty. No jobs. And I was sitting on the Beach two days ago with my best friends. Staring out into the Ocean, not a care in the world. It was so beautiful down there. Everything was so laid back, no trash on the sides of the roads. The air was clean. It was very chilled out there for being a city. They had help wanted signs up there. Everywhere. People weren't starving for jobs like they are here. I always used to be so passionate about Michigan. I had people here and loved it here and I didn't want to leave. I never thought I'd want to go back to North Carolina so bad. Nothing took it's time. It was like, oh, you're back in Michigan? Here's some bullshit to be thrown your way. So now I'm back, trying to pay for things with money I don't have, but I need to do this. Looking for a job that will never come. Missing one of my best friends. Missing how I felt when I was there...

Maybe this whole, not being able to sleep thing has it's perks. The days seems to be blending in together. And I get silly. I get moments where, I can actually lay my head down and sleep for, say, seven hours. But, that happens like once a week. Sleeping pills I might take when I really feel sick from not sleeping. I don't want to be dependent on a pil, it's just not my style. I mean I used to be able to sleep on my own, what happened? Everyone asks me why I can't sleep, like I have an answer, if I did have an answer, don't you think I would have solved this problem? One day bleeds into the next, but I function. I make it, it's like you'd never even know. Hopefully, I'll get my sleep back. If not, well, there will me more writing like this at 8AM after I stayed up all fucking night.

So much I'm leaving behind this year. I was a completely different person I started off as this year. I'm in a completely different position than I thought I would be at the beginning. Makes you wonder what you'll be a year from now. There are some things that I miss so much.

Long story short, we were both drinking. Got pulled over. He was in the back of the cop car. The called me over and told me to sing... How ever good I was determined if he was going to be set free. For whatever reason I sung "You Are My Sunshine"... At they said "Go ahead and let him out of the backseat. " So I let him out... They told me I have to drive home... Jamie drives a stick shift... I don't know how to drive a stick shift... But I made it home, no matter how many times I stalled out the car... I really need to learn how to drive a stick shift...

Well, I've been single for a little over 3 weeks now. I made a better recovery then I every thought I would when I was with him, thinking about what I would do without him. Turns out, I'm just fine. I mean, sure it hurt. But you can't wait for the pieces to put themselves back together, you and you alone have to do that for yourself. I just moved, everything right now is a new beginning. I'm surrounding myself with good people, who keep me laughing and a smile on my face. I'm still fragile, still have my guard up. But, I'm not in the least bit, bitter. I'm open to the fact that one day I might fall in love again. Might be the one, might not be. Whatever happens, I live and I learn. It may hurt for the moment... But like the nasty taste of cough medicine, within the next moment, it's gone. Especially if you wash it down with something... Whatever that something may be... Just got to go with the flow...