Monkey Butter's blog: "JOKES, JOKES AND MORE JOKES"

A man walks into a bar and yells "Bartender, give me twenty shots of your best single malt scotch!" The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them down one at a time, as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow, I never saw anyonebody drink that fast" The man replies by saying, "Well, you'd drink fast if you had what I have" The bartender says "Oh my god, what do you have??!!" The man says "Fifty cents"

The love story of Ralph and Edna... Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

This frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patty Wack. "Hi, I'd like to fill out an application for a loan", said the frog. Patty Wack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something to stand against your loan?" The frog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn." "Well, I don't know," said Patty Wack, "I'll have to ask the manager about this." Patty Wack goes to see the bank manager. The bank manager looks at the statue and replies: "Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning! 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. 9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). 10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank. 12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you. 14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. 'I'm really hungry,' said the first one. 'Let's fly down and find some lunch.' They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. 'I am so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree,' said the first one. 'Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,' said the second. 'O K,' said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... (ready??) (you're gonna like this one) | | | 'I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.'

Lette 4 Lyfe... I stand out in the crowd, My face painted and my voice loud, Hatchet raised to the sky, People always wondering why, Listening to the words of each song, Knowing that they aren't wrong, I face you eye to eye, Some hoping that I would die, Sorry to say that I will forever live, Knowing that soon you will forgive, How can you stare me down as you do, I speak of certain things to you, I raise my axe with pride, Jugglette For Life till the day I die.

'Lette 4 Lyfe... I stand out in the crowd, My face painted and my voice loud, Hatchet raised to the sky, People always wondering why, Listening to the words of each song, Knowing that they aren't wrong, I face you eye to eye, Some hoping that I would die, Sorry to say that I will forever live, Knowing that soon you will forgive, How can you stare me down as you do, I speak of certain things to you, I raise my axe with pride, Jugglette For Life till the day I die.

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. > > > One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the > > > middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down > > in the aisle seat. > > > After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his > toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, > > 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in > > the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' > > > As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the > Marine's shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' > > Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. > > > While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines > other shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and > enjoyed the flight. > > > As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into > his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. > > He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... > > > 'Why does it have to be this way?' > > 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? > > This hatred? > > This animosity? > > This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?' > > > THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST !