LadynRED's blog: "Jokes"

 
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the 
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would
like to buy some cyanide.'  The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the
world do you need cyanide?'  The lady replied, 'I need it to
poison my husband.'  The pharmacist's eyes got big and he
exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband.  That's against the Law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All Kinds of bad things will
happen.  Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'  The lady
reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the
picture and replied, 'Well now, that's Different. You didn't tell
me you had a prescription.'

Words for Women to Live By!!
 
If you don't pass this on in 5 minutes, nothing bad will ever happen. But, you'll rob someone else from having a GOOD LAUGH!
 
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there' 'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up along side the woman and says, "good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

Reading a book she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)

You're in a restricted fishing area, He informs her.

I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing I'm reading.

Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

FOR READING A BOOK? she replies.

If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

But I haven't even touched you, says the game warden.

That's true, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment."

Have a nice day ma'am and he left.

MORAL:

Never argue with awoman who reads... its likely she can also think>

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says.  'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.

"I can't do anything right." "I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me."

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.  I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man.  Take me now!' Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no!  He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off ..

And that's when I shot him .............  the little bastard.