WyomingGunslinger's blog: "Jokes"

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then , I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just lay down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

FOREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN > The day finally arrived. > > Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. > > He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the > gates are closed, and > > Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. > > > St. Peter said, > > "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. > > We have heard a lot about you. > > I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we > have been administering an entrance examination > > for everyone. > > The test is short, but you have to pass it > > before you can get into Heaven.." > > > Forrest responds, > > "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. > > But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. > > I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. > > Life was a big enough test as it was." > > > St. Peter continued, > > "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. > > > > First: > > What two days of the week begin with the letter T? > > Second: > > How many seconds are there in a year? > > Third: > > What is God's first name?" > > > > > > > > Forrest leaves to think the questions over. > > He returns the next day and > > sees St. Peter, > > who waves him up, and says, > > "Now that you have had a chance to think > > the questions over, tell me your answers" > > > Forrest replied, > > "Well, the first one -- > > which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? > > Shucks, that one is easy. > > That would be Today and Tomorrow." > > > The Saint's eyes opened wide and > > he exclaimed, > > "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but > > you do have a point, and > > I guess I did not specify, so > > I will give you credit for that answer." > > "How about the next one?" asked St. Peter > > > "How many seconds in a year? > > Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but > > I thunk and thunk about that, and > > I guess the only answer can be twelve." > > > Astounded, St. Peter said, > > "Twelve? Twelve? > > Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds > in a year?" > > > Forrest replied, > > "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: > > January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... " > > > "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. > > "I see where you are going with this, and > > I see your point, > > though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but > > I will have to give you credit for that one, too. > > Let us go on with the third and final question. > > Can you tell me God's first name"? > > > "Sure," Forrest replied, > > "it's Andy." > > > "Andy?" > > exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. > > "Ok, I can understand how you > > came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in > the world did you come up with the name > > Andy as the first name of God?" > > > "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," > > Forrest replied. > > "I learnt it from the song, > > 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, > > ANDY TALKS WITH ME, > > ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' " > > > St.Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: > > "Run Forrest, run!" > > > > > Give me a sense of humor, Lord.. > > Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, > > To get some humor out of life, > > And to pass it on to other folks

Baptist Cowboy A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time. ' The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself. ' The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss. ' The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. ' 'Hasn't affected my brothers though.

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.' 'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?' The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.' 'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.' I GUESS BLONDES COME FROM COBWEBS....

Daddy's Rules for Dating Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Country preacher……… An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey and a Playboy magazine 'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.' The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold. 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna run for Congress!'

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. > > > Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," Pretending to eat them. > I went back to packing, looked up again and my Daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. > > I said, "What's wrong, honey?" > > She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!

Banned from WalMart... This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men-- he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women-- she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart. Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House Wares. Get on it right away.' 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10 November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least... 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!' Regards, Wal-Mart