Crissy's blog: "Jokes"

While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?" "I hired people to break into the Watergate Hotel." The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?" "I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied. "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?" "Monica Lewinsky." The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm..... Perhaps you should remain standing."

In the beginning, the plan for a divine human design was painstakingly implemented. "The nerve endings," said St. Peter, "how many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Two hundred, O Mighty One." "Then we shall do the same for the woman." "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals, O Mightiest?" "How many did we put in Adam?" "Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One." "Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didn't we? Do the same for woman." "Yes, O Great Lord." "Wait! Hold it, Pete, Give her ten thousand, it'd be a hoot to hear her scream out my name..."

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line. Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: (nodding her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out fucking around, haven't you?" He says, "Nope." She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt." He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out. She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom. She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom. The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?" The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm." He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?" She says: "Pepper."

One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?" His mother ,very surprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight". The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why... "Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!"