Just Me's blog: "Life"

Well, what can I say? It's Sunday, 8 May at about 12:30 PM Kuwait time. I have been in country for 38 weeks yesterdays. That is 267 days. 92 left to go. Dang. It's amazing how time would seem to drag on, but then when you look at it, it has flown by. I've seen a lot of good people leave here and head off to bigger and better things, a few who were just ending their time in the Army, and ran into some I never thought I would ever see again. I've ran into my Recruiter, a guy I shipped out to basic with, I guy from Basic, one of my Drill Sergeants from AIT, a couple of guys from AIT, my First Sergeant from my first duty station, people from Okinawa, and then lots from Ft Meade. I guess what they always told us coming up in the Army, the Army is it's own small little world. I've missed a lot while I've been here. I have missed 3 birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, the last day of school, cuts, scratches, bruises, bumps, bites, fights, hurt feelings, the first time that a family pet dies, and so much more. There's a few things I wish I could have missed. The leaving, the dust storms, this heat (today it is 105 with a dust storm, but let me put it this way, there is a BIGGGG difference between 110 and 115.) I wish I could have missed the guilt trips, some of the drama from life, and all of that. I wouldn't change much though. Just a few things, but hey, it's life. I have no real regrets yet. I feel remorse, but I do not regret my life. Well, I'm off to see if I can find some lunch, and I can't remember what time the mail room opens today, so I'm going to go check it out as well. Ya'll have a good day.

Well, here it is, 3 weeks since she said that she was leaving, and I am in the same spot I was in 3 weeks ago. Lost, confused, and feeling so alone. For the last 3 weeks, she has been telling me she would make sure I got to spend time with the kids. She would get them to me, she would have them at the airport when I get off the plane, and all of this other stuff, now she is saying she is going to try. I love her, but she keeps pushing me towards the edge a bit more and more. She wonders why I am so against her moving so far from me. I know now why she wants to move so far from me. That way she can hold something else against me. I keep getting hurt, and she keeps saying but I thought you wanted to be my friend. Well, friends don't do what she keeps doing to me. I try to talk to her, and she shuts me down, she dodges questions. She keeps saying she doesn't avoid the questions, but she does. Last night, I mentioned that I am scared to death of what is coming down the road, she told me to cut the crap. These fears have me waking up sweating everyday for the past week and a half. They were something I had hidden away, and I would say I wanted this. Now I can't hide anymore. I have to face my fears. I am liable to be going to Ft Hood come September. I found out on Saturday my CO was recommending disapproval on my request for Consecutive Overseas Tour. I spoke to her about it today, and she said she couldn't and wouldn't change her mind on it. So I spoke to my personnel section, and they said most of the time, someone is not on assignment when they request the COT. They also told me that the unit I was going to was a higher priority than my current one, so there would be a fair chance that my assignment would not be changed. So for now, I am going to plan for the worst, and expect the best. Maybe I should just rotate back to the states, be unable to afford child support, gas in my truck, or a place to live. That way I will make sure and get a place to live, 3 meals a day, and a cot. Then she wouldn't have to worry about me wanting to see the kids. Maybe I should just go back, scrimp every cent, and call in every favor anyone has ever owed me and then just redeploy. Maybe that is what she wants, maybe she wants me to redeploy. Maybe she actually wants me in combat. Maybe she wants something to happen, because as much as I would like to, I'll never be able to completely disinherit her because of the boys. Hell I don't know her anymore. She is not the same woman she was on 10 May. I just don't know anything anymore. I know that I want to start my life over, but every time I think I can, she knocks my leg out from under me. She took the wind from my sails, and now she is after my crutch. I'm just going to take a few days off. I'm going to put in my pass and go down and have my 3 beers a day for 4 days. Maybe the flights will get canceled, and I can have a couple of extra days of 3 beers. Hopefully we won't have to dodge any incoming friendly Patriots like they did a few weeks ago. I know, almost all of my blogs have been downers lately, and I am sorry, maybe I'll finally turn the right corner soon. There's something that she does to me that just makes me feel like I am in a maze looking for the right corner. I want to talk to her, but when she sounds like it is a major inconvenience anytime she hears my voice, what is a guy to do? I can't completely excommunicate her from my life, she is the mother of my boys, and she is the primary guardian. I'm just lost. I feel like no one understands, and like I am going through this all alone. I feel like she is moving on with her "happy" life just too damned fast to have any remorse.

For the full background on what is going, read my previous blog entry. Here's the update: I spoke with my Brigade CSM before I talked to my S-3 or S-3 SGM. I went to him first for a reason, because if I went to the others first and asked permission, and they said ok, but the CSM said no, it was pointless. If I spoke to him first, got his approval, he could help me get approval from the S-3 and SGM. CSM said that I had actually thought it out quite well, asked me how it would affect home, and I explained it would be a little bit more beneficial because I would be able to save the money, and let the Army pay to fly me home on leave, thus allowing me to better enjoy the time with my kids and try to do something really special with the time. Even if it is just renting a cabin in the woods for a week or taking them fishing, the stuff that they and I will remember for our lives. That and if I go back stateside for 9 months, and deploy, it would probably be worse on us all than if I stayed here for a year. He nodded his head, and said he had not thought of that, but he agreed with me on that one. He asked if I wanted to leave S-3 or just get the leadership, get my hands on Soldiers? I told him I would hate to leave S-3 because we are like a family, we all know what is happening in each others lives, it's hard to keep secrets, and we all lean on each other, but I felt that if I could take and put into practice what I have learned from those NCOs and even the Officers, I would be more beneficial the Army. Plus, I feel that I would do more good in training Soldiers than working with Contractors. He smiled, he has this smile that is infectious. If he is happy, and you know if he is, everyone can tell. He told me he would be upset if I didn't pursue it. He had already talked to the Company Commander up there, (the CO had called him already and backbriefed him) and he was just waiting to see if I decided I wanted it, and if I took the initiative to come talk to him. Not even the position is set in stone yet, but the wheels are in motion. Even if I do not get the OSP/Cable Team position, and just got the site, it would be well worth it. It's a chance for me to affect change in Soldiers. I can take the things I have learned, and apply them. Another good benefit....I will have better job satisfaction. At the end of the day, I'll have something to show for it. Next steps, get me deleted from my assignment to Ft Hood (assured that would be no problem), get me assigned to the Battalion and the Company. The CSM said that should not be a problem, as long as I got the S-3 and SGM approval. Well, the S-3 was no problem. I knocked on his door, asked for 2 minutes, and 2.5 minutes later walked out with a thumbs up. (Found out the Commander had already called him as well.) S-3 SGM was harder to convince, but he just wanted to make sure I was prepared for the worst. What if it is not a lack of leadership ability that I am replacing, but a lack of leadership freedom I am being foreced into. I assured him that I had considered that, but that I was wiling to take that risk. He said they couldn't pull me back if I was unhappy, and I advised I prepared for it. Prepare for the worst, plan for the best. Then he asked me a question that the CSM had asked me. How would my personal issues affect me as a leader? I told him my issues would be transparent to my Soldiers, I can put things to the side long enough until I am able to A. Deal with them, or B talk to someone else that can help me deal with them. I can complain up and sideways, but never down. He gave me a thumbs up. I have had one NCO tell me to wait on this, but when he found out that I already have 4 NCOERs, he said go for it. He agreed though, that leadership positions are hard to come by in our unit, and go for it. Besides, as the CSM said, I only get 30 days of leave a year. So now I have to talk to the BN CSM, extend for a year, and go from there. Oh yeah, and I only have a week to do this in. The BDE CSM has his ceremony to appoint the new CSM next week. I have asked to be here for at least 3 weeks, lets me ensure my continuity of operations, finish up with legal, and get what I need in place to get my junk moved. Wish me luck. The Army is not my life, but while I am in, I might as well try to help those that I can as much as possible. If I can make the difference in one Soldier's life, then I have done my duty as a NCO.

Just when I thought I had enough on my plate to think about lately. Yesterday, I took an LT up to another Camp to the Signal Company tat he came to my Company/Section from. He needed to grab his dental records and get some paperwork from the unit. Well as I always do, I stopped by the Commander and First Sergeant's office. The First Sergeant was on leave, so it was just me and the commander in there. Well, he and I have a pretty good rapport, and he respects me because I always let him know when I am on his site since we are a higher headquarters. (he's a company, I work at Brigade, so it's two levels higher.) While we were talking and waiting on the LT, I mentioned I am considering extending. His eyes lit up. Really lit up. He asked my MOS, and I told him I was a Poppa. (25P, and if you are in the Signal Corps talking to other Signaleers you just give the letter, we are all 25 series.) He said he needed a Poppa NCO who could lead. I kind of raised on eyebrow and cocked my head, not sure what he was saying. He offered me a job. I would be the Site NCOIC for one of the remote sites, in charge of the Soldiers who work there, and he would probably dual hat me as the Outside Plant Team Chief. In charge of more Soldiers. I am a Staff Sergeant (E-6), and for me to even have a chance at the next rank, I need leadership time. Being in two leadership positions at once would be OUTSTANDING on my Evaluation. Now, this is nowhere a dream come true. There are downsides. Here, where I am at is a Brigade Staff Position, gotta have staff time to get to the higher ranks. I already have one NCOER (NonCommissioned Officer Evaluation Report) with my Staff time. Here, where I am at, I live in a hardened barracks. I live on the 2nd floor of an actual barracks. There, I would be in a Trailer style housing. Here, it is like Popular Mechanics City of the future compare to there. We have pavement, and almost every building has running water. There, you see lots of Portalets and Hotboxes (portalet with water storage that gets to be about 100 degrees in January when it's cold outside, so just imagine what it's like now.) Here I have a bathtub and shower, there I would get just the shower. I was talking to my Master Sergeant (MSG)(I have two right now, one is my supervisor and the other is the acting S-3 Sergeant Major (SGM).) I was talkign to my Supervisor, and told her about this conversation, and she said if it was her, a few years younger, and not getting ready to retire she would jump all over it. I told her I wasn't sure if I wanted to extend or not. She said that the kind of position I was being offered, really couldn't be turned down because with what they do here, I wouldn't be able to get stateside. She also said that it would be outstanding for my career. So this afternoon, I am going to talk to the S-3 SGM, and my S-3 (Lieutenant Colonel) about it. Get some more advice. Plus my contractor sidekick who overheard, said for me to jump on it. I just dont' know. I mean the camp I would be going to is kind of like a small town, not that many Soldiers, and not near as much brass walking around. But it's always got a dust storm. So what do you all think. Another year in the desert, with 2 additional sets of leave, or take my chances on getting my assignment changed and actually getting 12 months stateside before redeploying.

Ya know. It seems that when things can't get any worse, they somehow find a way to get better. On 12 May 2008, my wife of 8 years gave me some news which just completely took the wind from my sails. Completely. I felt empty, hollow, alone, and like my world was ending. I had a few friends who stepped up to the plate (on myspace, real life, yahoo) and made me feel like I had a fighting chance. My wife told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. She also stated that she was going to move A LONG LONG ways away from me with the boys. She wanted a separation. I broke down. Well, in the process of getting the separation agreement taken care of, taking it to legal and having them review it, since we typed it as a joint effort through email, I found out something I did not know at the time. I still had a sense of humor. Not only that, I could make people smile again. I also found out that I could smile and grin from ear to ear again. I didn't want to get back to work in a hurry, didn't want to be at this one particular meeting that somehow seems to put me to sleep. I needed to make a follow-up with the Attorney to go over the agreement again, and was talking with the legal aide. Nothing major, just the usual stuff, where ya from, what unit you in, when's the next available appointment, is it hot enough for you yet (it hit 118 degrees yesterday and it's not even June yet), how long you been in, no can't do it next friday, got a cermony to go to....no thursday mornings are no good, got training...no that's not good, got a site survey. No, not that day either. Oh, next Wednesday..OK. So, made my appointment,and she asked me to spell my name, well, my mouth was dry (IT WAS HOTT and I was getting dehydrated), and when I tried to spell my name for her, she just didn't understand. So I pulled out my handy dandy business card holder and handed her a business card. She looked at it, and then said, "So Jared, can I call you sometime?" (It has my work number, my nonsecure email, and my cell phone number.) Now, here is where I got confused. A. I am there for a separation agreement, not to sign it, but to have it reviewed. So, I am still married at this time, and that is a BIG NO NO! B. I am a Staff Sergeant, she is a legal assistance clerk (rank will not be listed, but she is not junior enlisted), and well. She could get in more trouble than me. C. We are in the fricking desert and it is HOTTTTT! outside. Even at night. So, even if she was only stroking my ego, she made me feel about a thousand times better. Even if she was not stroking me ego, there is no way in hell I am going out with her as anything but a friend, I could be leaving as early as September, or as late as next October. Plus, I am no where near ready to start dating again. My heart is beat to hell. Gonna take a lot of baling wire, duct tape, and aluminum foil to fix it. So I guess getting my ego stroked was what I needed in life to start fixing my outlook a bit better. (To my wife, sorry, I couldn't come out and just tell you that someone flirted her ass off with me.) Oh, and when she asked, my reply was (which she thought was hilarious): I am my units Equal Opportunity Leader, and what you were just thinking was Sexual Harassment. She replied back, I didn't say anything. I said exactly, you thought it, and it is still sexual harassment. She asked when I wanted my appointment, they had openings in January.