luvible1's blog: "luvible1s Blog"

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. " Czechoslovakia ."

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. Joe saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the>business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fits perfectly. As Joe >admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves>and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." New suit - $400 >>> >>>> New shirt - $36 >>> >>>> New underwear - $6 >>> >>>> Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Paul was a huge Chicago Bears fan. For years he had tried to get tickets to a Bears game, without ever seeing them except on TV. One year the Bears made it all the way to the Super Bowl, and to Paul's absolute delight, he won a ticket to the Super Bowl in a raffle! He was ecstatic! Finally, a chance to see "Da' Bears" - in THE SUPER BOWL, no less! He went to the stadium with great anticipation and it wasn't until he found his seat that he realized why the ticket was free. He was in the very top row, in the end zone no less! After trying to watch the first quarter with the players on the field the size of ants, Paul noticed that way down in front, right on the 50 yard line, was an empty seat. He worked his way down to the row where the empty seat was and asked the man sitting there if the seat was taken. "My wife used to sit there", said the man. "We have had season's tickets here for 28 years, but since she died, the seat has been vacant." "I'm sorry to hear about your wife", said Paul. "Would you mind if I watched the rest of the game here with you?" "Go right ahead," said the man. Paul sat down and eagerly began to watch his Bears in action. Then he began to think. "Excuse me," he asked, " Couldn't you get a friend or relative to watch the game with you? After all, this is the Super Bowl!" "Nah," said Dave," They're all at the funeral."

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend Sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny Came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, " Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after She had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that Damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The nun fainted...........

*First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

McDONALD'S JOB APPLICATION This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor gasps and raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking him to observe them, for his sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and he then says good bye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to observe them again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees, again amazed that they are on such a frequent sexual schedule at their age. This happens again over the next few weeks. Each time the couple makes an appointment, asks him to observe, then has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor and leaves. Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you asking me to help you find out?" The old man says, "We’re not asking you to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up >to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my >wife. > "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. > "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" > "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every >shape, size, color and material imaginable. > > "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four >types of bras to choose from." > Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: > " There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the >Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" > > Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. > The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... > > The Catholic type supports the masses. > The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, > The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and > The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills." > > Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the >letters used to define bra sizes? > If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood >for, it is about time you became informed! > > (A} Almost Boobs... > {B} Barely there. > {C} Can't Complain! > {D} Dang! > {DD} Double dang! > {E} Enormous! > {F} Fake. > {G} Get a Reduction. > {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up ! > > > > They forgot the German bra. > > Holtzemfromfloppen

The only cow in a small Newfoundland village stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the gulf in New Brunswick for $200. They bought the cow from New Brunswick and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. Finally the cow came into season. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, just what they should do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side... she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in New Brunswick ?" The people were astonished, since no one had ever mentioned where they had bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How in the world did you know we acquired this cow in New Brunswick?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from New Brunswick"

Dog Wash A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the rinse cycle!"