juggalosex's blog: "misc."

subject: NEW RULES FOR 2007!!!! (repost) date: 2006-12-27 15:19:41 The Rules for 2007 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates. com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What'd you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of other men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," oooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U. S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those " athletes " at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger bag of mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two bags. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's white people's version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. Just bein' polite. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

One day, Mrs. Smith's dishwasher quit working. She calls a repairman and tells him, "Let yourself in to fix this. My bulldog won't bother you. But, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" The repairman arrives and finds a huge, mean-looking bulldog. As promised, the dog leaves him alone. But the parrot drives him nuts with constant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally, the repairman can't contain himself and yells, "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replies, "Get him, Spike!"

“Error Messages” Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS Operating systems, Sony's president Nobuyuki Idei said, "We intend to capture the High ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages: Examples: A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ABORTED Effort: Close all that you have worked on. You ask way too much. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - First snow, then silence. This thousand-dollar screen dies so beautifully. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - And The Presence Of Absence: With searching comes loss "My Novel" not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Tao that is seen is not the true Tao, until? You bring fresh toner. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Windows NT Crashed: I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Crash Reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Three Things Are Certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Out Of Memory: We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Serious Error: All shortcuts have disappeared. Screens, Minds, Both are blank.

“It Got Crowded In Heaven” So for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died. " The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

“How Was I Born” Little Billy asks: "Daddy, how was I born?" Daddy answers: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! "Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

“HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:” 1. Compliment her, 2. Cuddle her, 3. Kiss her, 4. Caress her, 5. Love her, 6. Stroke her, 7. Tease her, 8. Comfort her, 9. Protect her, 10. Hug her, 11. Hold her, 12. Spend money on her, 13. Wine & dine her, 14. Buy things for her, 15. Listen to her, 16. Care for her, 17. Stand by her, 18. Support her, 19. Go to the ends of the earth for her.... “HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:” 1. Show up naked. 2. Bring beer

“Don't You Hate it When..." There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago, and now you can't find it. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

“Church Bulletins” The following are taken from actual church bulletins across the country... The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The Outreach Committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. Evening Massage - 6 PM The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Low Self Esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat latecomers. The third verses of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All." The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help. Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday there will be an ice cream social at 4 PM for the children. All ladies giving milk please come early. Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers please see the minister in his private study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. At the early evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary. 8 new choir robes are needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

AND WE SAID OKAY This one will make you think In light of the many perversions and jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, and it’s intended to get you thinking. Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (Regarding the attacks on Sept. 11). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?" In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK. Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK. Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW." Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace. Are you laughing? Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they WILL think of you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us. Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in!!

Ozzy Osbourne - Close My Eyes Forever Baby, I get so scared inside and I don't really understand is it love that's on my mind or is it fantasy? Heaven is in the palm of my hand and it's waiting here for you what am I supposed to do with a childhood tragedy? If I close my eyes forever would it all remain unchanged? If I close my eyes forever would it all remain the same? Sometimes, its hard to hold on, so hard to hold on to my dreams It isn't always what it seems when you're face to face with me Like a dagger you stick me in the heart and taste the blood from my veins And when we sleep would you shelter me in your warm and darkened grave? If I close my eyes forever would it all remain unchanged? If I close my eyes forever would it all remain the same? Will you ever take me? No I just can't take the pain would you ever trust me? No I'll never feel the same (oh) (instrumental) I know I've been so hard on you I know I've told you lies If I could have just one more wish I'd wipe the cobwebs from my eyes If I close my eyes forever Would it all remain unchanged? If I close my eyes forever would it all remain the same? (Oh yeah) Close your eyes... Close your eyes... You gotta close your eyes for me