amber101708's blog: "Music"

Ok so I made a mumm. Here is what it was.. Ok so for almost a year i became friends with this girl via myspace. She got pregnate by an ex I still have feelings for. I still have strong feelings for him. She is a good friend. Then their baby was born last night. Im in a good relationship. I cant drive my car/borrow a car and I want to go see the baby. Who was born 1-2 hrs away. on one hand I feel its wrong since it will be my ex there too. but then hes a friend too and he was my friend before my current bf. Is it wrong to ask my bf if him and I can go see the baby?? what should i do?? Im just anxious because I've helped them both out talking to them about their tomotuos relationship. Even through out the relationship/pregnancy. Also I know they'll be good parents and since I cnat have my own I want to be able to celebrate a gift given to soemone else. I wanna be able to have Cadence be spoiled by me. I guess I cant have kids so when a friend does I wanna be there alot so I can have memories I may never have. Sean and I are solid as a rock. Hes the best and nthing like the rest. lol i had to.. I think when I go to ask Sean he'll feel as if Im using the baby as an excuse to see dani. I wanna see all three of them. I wanna meet Sammi face to face. I only met her on Myspace. Then Dani I havent seen in years. Baby Cadence is lucky to be here. Sammi was having issues of dialting too soon and contraction at 5-7 months. So what am I going to do? I am going to talk to Sean about it. Tell him I wanna go she everyone in a few weeks. Make an incredible meal and take it up too them. Plus have a goodie bag for baby which will include teh sweetest looking high top cons EVER! a faded pink denim looking! In baby size!! So I know Sammi and Dani will love them!! well thas my decision and im sticking too it. mucho smooches amber

So few of you know that I cant stand living at home. I hate living here for a few reasons.. 1. My mom is anti depressant medication and doesnt take it because its too strong and she wont get it adjusted. 2. My mom is just rude and inconsiderate. She will wake me up to do the dishes at 11pm. Ok let me expalin I will do a load. Go out w/ sean come home and go to bed w/ sean until he leaves. The city raised our the water cost because theyre chargin us for sewer usage. Gayness i know SO our bill was almost 200 bucks. SO I figure do 1 load a day to cut the water usage down. nopers she wanted me to wash 2 sinks full of dishes. 2. I get to babysit my brother and sister all the time and get no money for it. yeah i know im not working but hello! I have no license and a non working car. so im sitting at the house and not paying rent or anything. then she tells me to ask her for money if i need it like 10 bucks or around that ammount. ok the last time i only ten bucks i had to have been around 8!! i can go to the movies by myslef and thats about it! She have THOUSANDS of dollars racked up in credit card bills and has to pay them off. plus she buys groceries and spends 10 bucks on my bro and sisters lunches every 2 weeks. so wheres the money left for me babysitting?? yeah no money!! 3. I cant keep food in the house or mom gives it away or eats it. i bought my mom and i lunch 2 weeks ago and her and my sister divourered(sp?) my leftovers. Then I cant have food downstaires or my mom gives me shit for not sharing w/ everyone. I was buying me grapefruit juice so i can have my vitamin C everyday so i dont get sick as much. i had to stop because my mom was letting it get wasted because shed give it to my brother who hates grapefruit juice. then i bought a huge jug of hi c and she let everyone drink it! i WROTE MY NAME IN SHARPIE ON IT!! And they still drank damn near all of it! 4. She reads ALL my blogs on myspace!! Then if i mark them private she throws a fit!! and says that im talking about her and i just dont want her to know. No i want some damn privacy!!if i want to talk about seans and i sex life i dont want you to know!! 5. I feel as if what i say goes right over their head. my sister when i watch her she wont listen to a damn thing i sya then if i yell at her she cries and runs to mom and dad when they get home. Then she is 11 and sleeps in their room on a bed made of pillows and blankets because she refuses to sleep in her room which is right next door!!! So she has comprehnsion problems and my mom babys her!! She stayed hoem becuase she had pms cramps!! I had a disease that if i dont ake care of my self when im sick w/ it i am stuck in bed for weeks/ upto 2 months!!I was told to dela with and to take care of myself! Then my dad also said that when i get my period i cant stay home because im raging! plus my sister has 1 chore and it takes within 5 min to do! She has to fill up water bottles. then she bitches about DO IT!! I wash dishes vaccume and watch tham. so i have a lot more on my plate then her! then i tell her to do them and she wont!! so i nag her like my mom does me and I get yelled at!! she wont listen to my mome ither! She will listen to sean tho!! its bs!! i have to SCREAM my lungs out at her!! 6. I wanna be an alt model! I really cant have porn sites contacting my house and sending me stuff if im living at home. too many questions and i dont wanna hide it or lie about it! i feel as if i cant be me in my house!!i have to walk on eggshells! 'm loosing my mind!! I need an escape!! I need to spread my wings!! Pray for me! Hope for the best!! God I need a lot of help and prayer!! any advice?? xo's Amber

ok so im sitting at the computer relaxin and being pissed off. Why is that Amber? My dad felt the need to go to a side job and work all day. He just called. He has to do wiring and new switches, a new box, and new outlet plugs. So I get to sit at home all night! I dont mind it its just I was supposed to go Monday and get all the food for tonight. Well that didnt happen because my mom cant manage time at all! Then I was supposed to go yesterday. Nope huge ass windstorm and snow hits. My mom refuses to drive me. Then I'm not taking my bro and sis to the store because theyr greedy and ungratful if I get them anything. plus i only have 31 bucks to buy the food. SO Im sitting here in my pjs holding back tears. I had tonight planned to a T. Then liek my anniversary. It turns to shit! I swear I'm sick of spending time and and money on shit that isnt going to work out. Then even if Sean goes and gets us dinner liek car side to go and I have leftovers they'll be gone from everyone else eating them. My sister i spent 30 bucks on my mom and I top eat my mom and sister ate MY leftovers. I dont ahve any money to be spending. I have to pay to get my license(200) then replace my winsheild (200+) and yeah I'm depressed and know I have no money to be spending on everyone to eat from Applebees! so I'm stuck at home and babysitting like everyother day! So I quit trying on holidays! Anyone wanna try and cheer me up!! xo's Amber

so yesterday has been a month since my grandpa passed away! I still miss him and love him a ton. im going to post some pics of him! I really want him now. I saw soem pics of him and i a few days ago and all i did was cry! See my papa was supposed to walk me down the aisle when i get maried. So now I'm missing him like crazy now that I've realized hes been gone a month! God I want him back! My papa isnt supposed to get sick and die. Its the rules!!

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life... And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again... For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person... in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else... Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little... As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right... Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a FRIEND or a stranger... So here's a piece of advice; Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough. And move on when things are not like before... It's certain... there is someone out there WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE... i think it rings true! I'm scared to be with out even as a friend. so is it why i wanna call him all the time. just to know hes ok and happy! Why im jealous of people who see him. he is with in a half hour drive but hed might as well be 12 hours away. its sad. im happy in a relationship and yet i want to be with him. I want both! Yet I cant. I need sean! I love sean. I know sean is teh one. and yet dani tugs on my heart like no one else has. the chemistry when we are together is explosive. i feel it in my toes! he said he thought about us getting down and dirty. Yet he cant return my calls or emails. I know im being yanked around like a toy. who knows hwo he feels! Im afraid to know! oh well life goes on.!! xo's Amber

a kiss that will never be again a day we can never relive a love never to be felt again a bond to never be felt again a heartache that will stay with me until my dying day. my heart aches for the taste of your lips I ache to hear your voice i ache to feel a love lost. I cant stand the thought of you being out of my life if anything where to happen id be lost another piece of my heart will be taken with you i claimed to love others before you but that was a lie your my morbid to my angel you saved my soul for yours needs is tourtured for i know it will never be again my love will never die So this morning I had a dream I loved but I know it will never be! I went up to Detoit, single or taken I do not know. I am in detroit, Thuged out, loose form fitting jeans, my pink DC's, and a twizted tee and a white bandana plus super cute hair. well anywho I was spending the day with my ex Dani and his crew incl. his baby momma! Who is a prego in the dream.Dani wont get off of me the whole dream hes hold my hand and staring in my eyes. well the oen part that stands out the most is we are sitting on the rackety old couch in this run down aprt. and he looks aat me and takes my hand and snuggle sup really close so only we can hear and says "one day i wanna marry you." UGH!! as if that shit doesnt make your heart skip a beat1 well it did mine. ne who! Im gonna call him today hes in TOledo (10 min away)& his grandpa isnt doing well he sin his final days! i am so effing confused... SO im gonna try and call him! Well hit me up on voice comments! Xo's Amber

I decided I am trading in my aunt! She is a controlling CUNT!! I hope she gets what she deserves! she is a greedy bitch.. she is taking SOOOOOO much of my grandpas stuff his shirts he promised me and my little sister. pictures he promised my mom. his bible i wanted money that was donated towars his funeral. and controlling everything in my grand mama's life. she wont let my grandma put a certain quilt on the back of her sofa. well im taking the shirts thursday and im stealing my papas bible. she would steal my papas car, steal my grandmas car and money, told them they werent good enough for her and shes better than them. she ran away from home. my broke ass mom sent her 200 bucks and never came home. so who knows wtf she did down there! well im gonna quit for now.. ill add more later... xo's morbid

pulsating paula made this for me!Its my big brother who passed away on the 27th. I loved him as family and for name sakes he was to me and to him. My self proclaimed big brother's funeral today. I stayed up all night crying last night! I miss him and love him! He ran a tat shop in ATL. So as he and i talked before I'm getting the tat and in the blood droplets RK is going to be in them. Just my way of saying I love you and miss you. I am also going to go see him. but ne who. I need to go tp bed! xo's Amber

Im completely between future modeling and Sean. He's the only one I want and modeling is one of my dreams. Sean is skeptical of me modeling. Especially the kind I want to do. I just want the two to be able to blend w/ out worries. He is going to be the one to take me to tthe shoots until i get a car. I just dont want modeling to tear us apart. he says I have nothing to worry about but im still nervous. I have a handful of options but im scared to act on it! so we'll see how it all works out. xo's amber

Well day Chrstmas Eve kinda sucks! Grandpa was re submitted into teh hospital and now hes comming home! YAY! only hes in his last stage and no more chemo! HOSPICE is taking over. So I give my grandpa a few weeks to a few months! So could I let myself cry when I found out? No, i hate to cry I'll cry when I am ready. Wierd thing is that I was doing a painting with a heart monitoring with the line and i was going to do struggeling line that red and all black background with a light shinning on it and call it hope. I have little hope. My grandpa cant walk me down the aisle. He wont be here to be great. He just isnt going to be around and it feels liek my heart is being ripped out and throwin in a blender! So keep praying for him guys! Also he isn't doing chemo anymore. He's giving up. So it wont be long. I just pray he wont be completely doped up and can live before hes gone! I just dont know why him? there are murders who live long healthy lives but its my papa who dies young? well hes 78(i think) thats still a descent age! so who knows! I wont ever understand it! I just have to be strong and see him tomorrow! Anyoen got a good joke they can tell me? I really need some kind words! plus sean and i will be a year on new years eve! xo's Amber