Twitchy's blog: "My ramblings"

It always happens like this... I meet a guy and think things are going well, and then we "do it", I never really hear from them again or whatever unless they want "it" again. I am getting tired of it. No you are not going to get "it" again if that is the only time you are going to talk to me. Am I just do-able? Is there something about me that makes one unable to actually date me and pursue a long term relationship? I know I have a kid and all, and I am not looking for a "baby daddy" she has a father, and whether or not he wants to claim her, she still has one. I am not tryin to replace him. But, being that I am a single mom, I cant just "casual" date. I guess now I should start dating persons with children of their own now. It might make things easier and they would understand more about all of it. When will I just find a decent man and be happy and have my own family, a complete family???

Friends to me are people that call you every once in a while and ask if you want to hang out. They come over and hang out and just talk. They are there for you when you need them and always have something funny to say if you are in a pissy mood. Being that is what I think friends are, I have none. Friends dont leave you and stop talking to you because you got pregnant. And they dont leave you and stop talking to you because they have a new boy toy, or girl toy. I can honestly say I have never had one TRUE friend in my life. No one to trust and tell things to without worrying that I am going to hear it out of someone else's mouth. No one to be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on. I never really pictured myself as the loner, I love to be around people. But it seems that I am. Having no one.

No more, I refuse. Im tired of being nice and getting nothing in return. No more happy face, and no more holding my tongue. This time I am going to speak my mind, no matter what the outcome. Im sick of being walked all over by all the supposed "nice people", and then having them bitching to me about what someone did to them. You deserve it you asshole. You think you are nice, and you think you should be treated with the utmost respect, but you dont deserve any of that shit. Mr. High and Mighty, its time for you to step off the pedestal and take a look at what you are. Rethink your life and start being less of a dick. Heed my advice, or in a short time, you will find nothing that keeps you happy.

Sitting in the darkness, searching for the light. Wishing someone would come save me, someone who will fight. Fight for my love, and fight for what makes me happy. I would gladly return the favor. I just want it to be real. None of this hiding nonsense, or pretending to love me. For pretending to love me hurts much worse then telling me the truth.

What was heard day in and day out, you're fat, you're stupid, you are a nobody, and mean nothing. Shut up I am watching t.v. I don't want to hear about it. Birthdays being forgotten, no one caring you're a year older. Feeling worthless and not wanting to be around. Contemplaiting suicide, but to scared to do it. Getting bitched at because you can't speak your mind from all the mental abuse. Shutting down when things get bad and just crying constantly. Fighting tears just to get a word out, and feel like you are sounding stupid and fearing the person you are arguing with thinks your stupid. Not feeling loved and feeling rejected by all. Happiness being a facade so everyone will stop asking what's wrong, being tired of answering the question over and over again. You see them, and think they are the happiest person in the world, but then behind closed doors, you'd never recognize them. Do any of you think you really, truely know the REAL me? With my facade? No one knows the real me. What I think, what I want in life. No one cares to know. None of you that read this, which will be very few, don't really know who I am and how hard I try to fit in and be like everyone else. Pretending everything is ok, when actually nothing really is.

I feel unwelcome in my own home. With the new room mate and what not, I just feel like I shouldnt be here anymore. I am going to be starting work soon, and I will save up money to get my car on the road, and then I will hardly be here. Why be here if I feel unwanted or unwelcome? I will start paying on some of the bills and just stay away from the people for the most part. I dont even know the roommate really, and I dont know if this is going to go over well. She is stayin in the living room, so that means, if she is sleeping, my daughter and I cannot be in there. What kind of shit is that? The living room is supposed to be for everyone. Whatever. Its not my house. I have no say, even though he tries to make it seem like I do. He is even letting her read one of my books without my permission. MY FAVORITE book. If anything happens to it I am going to be pissed. I had told someone I was going to let them borrow it and now I cant. That is bullshit. I am just venting, I know you have all read this shit before from me, but I am just angry about my whole living situation right now. I am not happy. And I wont be until I figure out me and who I am basically. I think I need someone to help me with that though. If anyone could ever be patient enough with me.

He said that I have no reason to be upset, that I knew it was over a long time ago. I cant help it. Now, being she is here for a week, I feel my heart breaking all over again. As I just sit, locked, in my room, all I can think about is what they may or may not be doing in his room. I know the best thing would be for me to get out but I have no where to go right now, well, no where that I want to take my daughter as well. There have been others since him, but I still cant help but getting upset. I dont think I did anything to deserve this in my life. I have been honest, caring, giving, and supportive of all those around me, and I get nothing in return. No one to love or care for me like I want/need them to. All I want to do is cry. Its not fair. I havent really been happy in a long time. I hate being alone. I dont think anyone should be alone, but that is all I feel. Alone. No one to cuddle with or to talk to. No one to be there for me when I am sad, or share my excitment with me when something good happens. Just a roommate who is an ex and his new girlfriend. I dont want to be here anymore.

When my friends hurt, I hurt, no matter how well I know them or not. To all my friends that actually read this, I want you to know that I am always here if you need to talk. I love you all. xoxo

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