Patrice's blog: "~PATRICE'S PIECES~"

~Broken~ Current mood: confused Category: Writing and Poetry Here's my heart I gave it to you Now tear it apart Like you wanted too There's no more fight Left in me I'm exactly what You want me to be ~Broken~ ~Patrice~

Writing/Poetry I'm really unsure, do i believe? That it's really only you and me? For so long now, there has been 3.... And I've fought for our love constantly. Knowing all along, you were meant for me. Is it really over? Can i finally breathe? Take my hand, look into my eyes, make me see.. That your whole heart, really belongs to me. I want to cry! I want to scream out! I'm finally free! Now it's just my love and me =) ~Patrice~

Look up at me and smile, dear sister of mine....... As i walk by push your knife deep into my back. And with my blood on your hands..... Go and take what is rightfully mine! As i stand here, alone, blood trickling down my back..... Come back for more! Smile at me while you take a bite from my still beating heart.... My warm blood runnig down your beautiful pink lips........... Look up at me and smile still. You, who has always had everything given to you, when you asked for it.... Come along and use your power to take the only thing i have ever wanted and needed, in my life. Leave me alone, yet again dear sister. While you are here, come closer..... And rip out my eyes, so i no longer have to see the smile on your face. And my ears, so i no longer hear your wicked laughter as you smile at me. Couldn't you have shown me..... Your sister.. Mercy... And just taken the very breath out of me? ~Patrice~

This life i lead is such a sham.... Each day goes by.... And the memory of you remains. Some days i fool myslef into thinking i'm doing fine without you.... But thats a lie i tell myself to help me go on each day. Not a day passes that i dont still feel your presence in my life. You are always there..... Somewhere.... My one regret..... My one heartache..... I close my eyes and see you smile and it still makes my heart skip.... And your laughter haunts me in my dreams. I dream of those piercing blue eyes, looking up at me.... I can almost feel your soft warm lips on mine.... Your hot breath, taking mine away. And i swear i can still remember how you smell. As the days go by, you would think it would get easier..... But, no. I still do the dumbest things..... My eyes still cry for you often.... You still cross my mind daily..... And every day, after i shower, it's your name i still write in the temporary fog on the bathroom mirror. My heart just wont budge..... It knows what i have come to believe as well..... I have lost my soul mate. Though physically you are gone from my life.... You will still be with me as long as i have a breath in my body. ~Patrice~

I want your love to rain down on me...... Like a spring thunderstorm that lasts for days..... A few drops at a time here and there at first, and then steady and strong..... Drench me with your love, I thurst for it...... With occasional bursts of thunder and lightening, exciting the sky and my soul........ Leaving nothing untouched, every part of my mind, body, and soul wet from your love......... As i sit here, i will the sky and your heart to open and rain down on me..... Patrice

~YOUR LOVE~ Body Aching~ Heart Is Breaking~ Big Brown Eyes Full Of Tears~ Begging You To Surround Me With Your Love~ <3 <3 <3 ~Patrice~ <3 <3 <3

Friday, May 25, 2007 Defining Moments~Life Lessons Current mood: happy Category: Life There are few moments in a persons life when as your in them you sit there thinking as your in the midst of them, wow! I'll never forget this moment in my life. A moment that changes you. Changes who you are as a person. One of those life lessons that get thrown at you when you least expect it. Well i had one of those moments this past wednesday night and i had to share it with you. To help you understand this moment i feel like i should tell you a bit more about me, most of my close friends know that i was married for 10 years. Which started out wonderful as all marriages do, until alcohol took my love, my best friend from me and our family. It destroyed all of us. And don't misunderstand me, he is still here... living if thats what you want to call it. It turned the man i loved into a monster. Someone who both mentally and physically abused me and our family on a daily basis. And i know what your thinking, then why stay 10 years? 10 years with this man, this monster? Like everyone does i thought i could change him, all i kept thinking was i remember him, he's not really like this, he's a sweet man, a good man. And he loves me and our family. I know he does. I know the man he can be, he used to be. And i kept thinking about the vows i took with this man, for better or worse, so i stayed. Each day that went by my self esteem and self worth becoming less and less. Taking away my very essence, my soul. One day he was abusive to me and my son(then 5) saw him hiting his mother. And as i stood there, looking at my baby boys face finally decided.... no more. My son will not walk around thinking this is ok. So i left and soon after divorced him. Since then life has been hard but even on my worst day, its still better than my best day there with him and his drinking. Anyway, back to wednesday night, i went out with fran like we do once a week or every other week just to have fun and get out of the house.I love going out with fran, shes an amazing friend. Everything i'm not, thin goregous, outgoing. But at times when i go out with her i feel invisible, nothing that is her fault. I feel like the fat ugly girl with the beautiful best friend who gets all the attention. A result of the years of hell i had been through, being told i was nothing. We had went to eat at friday's earlier that night and one of the waiter's liked her and told her if she didnt mind that he would come there after work and see her. He came and brought a friend and they hit it off, really seem to like each other. So i do as i always do and make myself disappear. Didn't want them thinking i was intruding on them getting to know each other. and in my mind i was also thinking i dont want his friend thinking great! I get stuck talking with the fat ugly girl while my buddy talks to a beautiful woman. So i went outside and called a friend. she texted me once and asked me to come in but still, i felt like i would be intruding. So i stayed until the place closed and they came outside to say their goodbyes. She got in the car and he said bye patrice and i made some comment about how i'm shocked he remembered my name. Which was all it took for her to ask why i sat in the car all night. Why didn't you come in she said? I didn't want to intrude on your getting to know each other i said. But your my best friend patrice, i wanted you there, and i kept talking about my best friend and he asked where you were and i was just like i guess shes on the phone. And as i sat there watching her raising her voice at me being upset i swear i couldn't figure out why. I thought i was doing a good thing by giving her time alone to get to know him. And i made the comment that, seriously no one cares if i'm there or not anyway fran, i'm the fat girl no one notices. Your the one they want, your the thin beautiful one. And for a moment there was silence and she started crying, she looked up at me and said why do you say things like that about yourself? It hurts me when you do. You are my best friend, and you are beautiful(to which i mumbled something about your my best friend, you have to say that) If you want the truth patrice, you are more beautiful than me, but you think because i am thin that i am beautiful, and just because your a bigger girl that your not. Stop! Stop thinking this way! You have so many people who think you are goregous and they tell you that every day, and you have to stop thinking that because your beauty comes in a bigger package than mine that its any less beautiful. My mind racing and tears in my eyes by then i knew every word she spoke was the truth. I am beautiful! I am good enough! I am just different than her. But beautiful still..... ~Patrice~

Sonnet LXXXIX When I die, I want your hands on my eyes: I want the light and the wheat of your beloved hands to pass their freshness over me once more: I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny. I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep. I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you to sniff the sea's aroma that we loved together, to continue to walk on the sand we walk on. I want what I love to continue to live, and you whom I love and sang above everything else to continue to flourish, full-flowered: so that you can reach everything my love directs you to, so that my shadow can travel along in your hair, so that everything can learn the reason for my song.

Pablo Neruda Sonnet XVII (100 Love Sonnets, 1960) I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers, and thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Sonnet LXIV My life was tinted purple by so much love, and I veered helter-skelter like a blinded bird till I reached your window, my friend: you heard the murmur of a broken heart. There from the shadows I rose to your breast: without being or knowing, I flew up the towers of wheat, I surged to life in your hands, I rose from the sea to your joy. No one can reckon what I owe you, love, what I owe you is lucid, it is like a root from Arauco, what I owe you, love. Clearly, it is like a star, all that I owe you, what I owe you is like a well in the wilderness where time watches over the wandering lightning. ©Pablo Neruda