1197554's blog: "Plot-Two"

I'm just now realizing how angry I am. And I realize that I don't know how to be angry. All I can do is cry hot tears… And I'm mad that I'm crying, but I'm learning it is okay to cry. I don't have to be ashamed. I haven't done anything wrong. But why God, why do I feel this way? Why so numb? Why so shameful? Why so disgraced? Why so rejected? Why so pained? Why so tired? Why so distraught? Why so beaten? Why so downcast? But how do you learn to express anger? When feeling anything was abnormal growing up? Tears were shunned, pain was disregarded and anger was unheard of, unless you heard it coming from one of my parents. Would screaming help? Would pacing? Would driving somewhere really fast? In my anger all I can do is break down and cry, But the anger isn't going anywhere. It’s too large for the used tear ducts. And I hate: Him and me and realizing that this list of hate doesn't have an end. And in the end, all I can do is ask why God blessed him. I don't know where to go I don't know what to say My stars are fading My stars are fading Mood:Pissed. Music:What I Call X, by Streifte Geist

I don't know why I'm typing this here. People on this site aren't here to actually learn anything about a person.
I feel like locking myself in my room and never coming out.

I feel like I need 'God' to love me and magically make me better.

I don't feel like I need a savior from sin though, only from pain.

I don't feel like sleeping.

I feel like: abandoning all my views and doing something radically 'sinful' (in the views of a church that is).

I feel like keeling over and never getting up.

I feel like I've lived a lie.

I feel like this is a waste of time.

I feel like everything I have ever done has been a waste of time.

I feel like I deserve nothing, but expect everything.

I feel speechless and dumbfounded like a child who doesn't know yet how to speak.

I don't feel like a child of 'God.'

I feel like being completely honest.

I feel like ditching my plans tomorrow to go see my nephew, spend time with my family, and to hang out with Alex and Scott. Instead....

I feel like locking myself in my room by placing the mattress in front of the door until the tomorrow, then skipping town to avoid everyone and everything.

Mood:Cold. Music:Heaven Hell and Hand Me Down, by Rutkus

This bitch just got her first tattoo. I'll put up pictures soon. =D

Do you feel unappreciated? Of course you do, you are. No one truly understands how great you really are, not even you do. There you are, innocently posting images of yourself on a public profile – what’s wrong with that? Did you - for one moment - realize that you’re a god damn, vain, pretentious whorebag? Did you know that? – and - What are you doing? No, seriously, do you expect some of us to bring up your image and find ourselves furiously rubbing at our groins from all directions? How dare you think, for one second that you might need that extra little ego boost? You know it’s not that. We all know that you love yourself. You’re probably feeling a little guilty now, but don’t worry - there is one way to save yourself. Just take down all your photos and delete your profile. Then I’ll forgive you and we’ll pretend it never happened. Some people just lack the strong sense of ethical behavioral standards that I seem to easily uphold and maintain. If only more people were like me. Mood:Alright. Music: Dropkick Queen Of The Weekend, by The Dudes.