FlyingAshtray All my friends are make b...'s blog: "Random Thoughts"

. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday. . . . you wake up face down on the pavement. . . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. . . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. . . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office. . . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. . . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any. . . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city. . . . the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife. . . . you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed. . . . your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. . . . you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny . . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..." . . . you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!" . . . your ex-lover calls and tells you they have 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test . . . you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers . . . when someone accuses you of faking humor . . . your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me." . . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up . . . you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!

1. Use it as a fancy tablecloth in your dollhouse living room. 2. Buy .3 gallons of gas. 3. Buy REO Speedwagon's The Hits at your local 7-Eleven. 4. Buy a newspaper. Make a hat out of the newspaper. 5. Hold a hooker's hand. 6. Get 30 seconds of high-resolution "full-contact" Web chat time. 7. Put it all on red. 8. Get an all-day parking pass in downtown Steubenville, Ohio. 9. Buy a new doorbell button. 10. Trade it on eBay for a different dollar. 11. Buy enough yarn to knit your hamster a beach towel. 12. Get a small bag of fortune cookies. Then brag to your friends that you have a small (bag of) fortune (cookies). 13. Make a lightweight two-inch telescope (1X powered). 14. Buy enough breadcrumbs to go for a walk in the forest and not get lost. 15. Get 100 pennies, go to a fountain, and make 100 wishes for more money. 16. Make a testicle cozy (you'll need two dollars for two cozies). 17. Scratch and win your way out of your shithole life. 18. Make a three-second phone call from a hotel room. 19. Pay off all your debts in Mexico. 20. Make some origami. Sell it for more than a dollar to some retard who likes origami. 21. Eat it. Then laugh as you shit money. (Don't eat it again.) 22. Buy a dozen used roses. 23. Fly a tiny kite. 24. Use it as homemade Q-tip. 25. Treat your girlfriend like a cheap stripper. 26. Level a wobbly table. 27. Get a black or white photo, from a picture booth. 28. Buy 20 empty aluminum cans. Fill them with urine and then sell them as cans of energy drink. 29. Leave four messages on your answering machine from a pay phone.

There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day. The sperm count of an average American male compared to thirty years ago is down thirty percent. An adult esophagus can range from 10 to 14 inches in length and is one inch in diameter. Men sweat more than women. This is because women can better regulate the amount of water they lose. The average amount of time spent kissing for a person in a lifetime is 20,160 minutes. The average adult has approximately six pounds of skin. Infants spend more time dreaming than adults do. In one day, adult lungs move about 10,000 liters of air. The condom made originally of linen was invented in the early 1500's. Casanova, the womanizer, used linen condoms. Sex burns about 70-120 calories for a 130 pound woman, and 77 to 155 calories for a 170 pound man every hour. Impotence is grounds for divorce in 26 U.S. states. There are approximately 45 billion fat cells in an average adult. Kissing can aid in reducing tooth decay. This is because the extra saliva helps in keeping the mouth clean. During the female orgasm, endorphines are released, which are powerful painkillers. So headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex. During World War II, condoms were used to cover rifle barrels from being damaged by salt water as the soldiers swam to shore. According to psychologists, the shoe and the foot are the most common sources of sexual fetishism in Western society. A kiss for one minute can burn 26.

* How can I stop my labrador from urinating and defecating on me while I'm sleeping? (Stop sleeping in the back yard.) * Why is my girlfriend unhappy? I mean her dad died like a week ago and I thought she would get over it by now but she's being real emo about the whole thing. (Bitches be crazy dawg. I can't figure 'em out either) * Should I have sex with my sister? (Is your sister Angelina Jolie by any chance? Then yes!) * Is it ok to have sex while you are fishing? (With the fish or with your mate? Either way, hooks might become an issue.) * Are boogers made from brain sweat? (Yes, yes they are. And farts are made from belly lint.) * I get turned on by dogs. Is this cool? Y/N? (I get turned on by tattoos and goth chicks. Who I am to judge?) * How do I stole 7 different passwords? (WTF? an illiterate haxxor?) * Is it weird that my sister is 11 and poops her pants? (No, what's weird is that you have intimate knowledge of the contents of your sisters panties!) * Do girls know that they have boobs? (I sure do!) * How is babby formed? How girl get pragnent? (This is my favorite. You have to see the YouTube some guy made mocking this pitiful bastard.) * Is my baby drinking my girlfriends blood? (What did you give birth to? Cthulu?) * What's the best way to murder someone and get away with it? (Try using Martyrdom in a Hardcore COD match.) * What is the best cleaning product for getting semen out of my cat's fur? (More semen of course!) * What horse has the best tasting meat? (No clue, but I know what whores have the best tasting meat. $15 goes a long way in this economy.) Ah yes, the youth of America and their quest for knowledge. My faith in our future is restored!

Next time you think you can't or the odds are so overwhelmingly stacked against you, check out this chick. Kelly Bruno

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium , an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Addicted to Internet Porn Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn - During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot. - His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser. - When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down." - Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing." - He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries. - Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee. - When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her." - You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas. - As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday. - During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!" - His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

These hail from the awesome game called Max Payne, not the ho hum movie vaguely based on the game. These are some of my favorites. The first is something I've often considered getting tattooed somewhere on my body. * I don't know about angels, but it's fear that gives men wings. * I didn't like the way the show started, but they had given me the best seat in the house, front row center. * One thing you can count on: You push a man too far, and sooner or later he'll start pushing back. * Collecting evidence had gotten old a few hundred bullets back. I was already so far past the point-of-no-return I couldn't remember what it had looked like when I had passed it. * After Y2K, the end of the world had become a cliché. But who was I to talk, a brooding underdog avenger alone against an empire of evil out to right a grave injustice. Everything was subjective. There were only personal apocalypses. Nothing is a cliché when it's happening to you. * You'd find that Lady Luck was really a hooker, and you were fresh out of cash. * It wasn't about how good you were. It was chaos and luck and anyone who thought differently was a fool. * Staggering on the mill roof in ice and snow and wild wind, I was a Ninja. My Kung Fu was strong. I wasn't kidding anyone. At best, I was Superman on Kryptonite, about to fall through a skylight, down to where it was all going down. * The truth was a burning green crack through my brain. Weapon statistics hanging in the air, glimpsed out of the corner of my eye. Endless repetition of the act of shooting, time slowing down to show off my moves. The paranoid feel of someone controlling my every step. I was in a computer game. Funny as Hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of. * You piece together a jigsaw and the final picture is you finishing that same puzzle, a mad green-eyed killer standing behind you. An urban legend come true. * Just when you thought you had reached the deepest depths of horror, it suddenly got worse. How to turn off that small voice inside your head that started to whisper that you should be glad... that now, if not before, your revenge was justifiable on any conceivable moral scale. That small voice proved, beyond any doubt, that I was damned.