Kitten's blog: "Things To Enjoy"

A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

NOT SURE OF... You're not sure of: THE DOCTOR because he says, "Take off your clothes." THE DENTIST because he says, "Open wide." THE HAIRDRESSER because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" THE MILKMAN because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?" THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it." THE STOCK BROKER because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again." THE BANKER because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." THE HUNTER because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots. THE BELL ATLANTIC GUY because he says, "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?"

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN: > >Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. > >Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. > >Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. > >Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. > >Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love > >letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. > > > > >HOW TO TREAT A MAN: > >Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV

Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change: $20.00 Coffee: $1.00 Total: $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men : 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin cussing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 28) Beer. 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands.. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35) Beer. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1500.00 Beer: $20.00 Total: $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right! SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH......AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT..... ------------------------------------ Have A GREAT Week! Larry Brennan RN, PhD* (*Professor of humor Development) Healthy thought: You have to take time to live. Living takes time. Eleanor McMillen Brown

Ok. > >I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a >great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great >menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own >and >would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or >maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate. > >Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us >plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. > >In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are >no >longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. > Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see >your rear without turning around. > >Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the >only time someone will ask you to appear topless. > Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top >and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too." >Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're >sitting on our biggest ones. > >Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and >think: "For this I have stretch marks?" >In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can >retain is water. >Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally >-- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin . >Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the >"big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice >ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? >But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. >We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved >ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge >that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies >simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. >That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! > > > > > > > >

THIS IS HILARIOUS! >> >> >> A man takes the day off work and >> decides to go out golfing. >> He is on the second hole when he >> notices a frog sitting next to >> the green. >> He thinks nothing of it and is >> about to shoot when! he >> hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." >> >> The man looks around and doesn't >> see anyone. Again, he >> hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks >> at the frog and decides to >> prove the frog wrong, puts the >> club away, and grabs a 9 iron. >> Boom! >> He hits it 10 inches from the >> cup. He is shocked. He says >> to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. >> You must be a lucky frog, eh? >> >> The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." >> The man decides to take the frog >> with him to the next hole. >> "What do you think frog?" the >> man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." >> The guy takes out a 3 wood and, >> Boom! Hole in one. The >> man is befuddled and doesn't know >> what to say. By the end >> of the day, the man golfed the >> best game of golf in his life and >> asks the frog, "OK where to next?" >> The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. >> >> >> " They go to Las Vegas >> and the guy says, "OK frog, now >> what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon >> approaching the roulette table, The man >> asks, "What do you think I should >> bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit >> $3000, black 6." >> >> Now, this is a >> million-to-one shot to win, but >> after the golf game the man >> figures what the heck. >> Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the >> table. >> >> The man takes his winnings and >> buys the best room in the >> hotel. He sit! s the frog down and >> says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. >> You've won me all this money and >> I am forever grateful." >> >> The frog replies, >> "Ribbit Kiss Me." >> He figures why not, >> since after all the frog did for >> him, he deserves it. With a >> kiss, the frog turns into a >> gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, >> >> your honor, is how the girl >> ended up in my room. So help me God >> or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." >> >> >> >> >> >> <>< "The Lord is my strength >> >> >>

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

?? THE YEAR 1907?? This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1907. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the Year 1907 : ************************************ The average life expectancy was 47 years. Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles Of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower ! The average wage in 1907 was 22 cents per hour. The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year . A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME . Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which Were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from Entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!!!! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea Hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! ) Eighteen percent of households had at least One full-time servant or domestic help. There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. ! Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing It myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States ,& Canada Possibly the world, in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH ?

F A M I L Y I ran into a stranger as he passed by, "Oh excuse me please" was my reply. He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you." We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said goodbye. But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones, young and old. Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My son stood beside me very still. When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. "Move out of the way," I said with a frown. He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken. While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said, "While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the family you love, you seem to abuse. Go and look on the kitchen floor, You'll find some flowers there by the door. Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue. He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes." By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall. I quietly went and knelt by his bed; "Wake up, little one, wake up," I said. "Are these the flowers you picked for me?" He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree. I picked 'em because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue." I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have yelled at you that way." He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway." I said, "Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue." FAMILY Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind the story? Do you know what the word FAMILY means? FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU