Are there actually women looking for older men, or is there an unwritten rule that says older than 55 need not apply?? I don't know if it's my profile or not (I cannot afford profile help), but I do not get too many responses. The ones who do reply say, "I don't think we would be a good match" or (I liked this one an awful lot) "I am taking a break from dating for now." -- Tom P., 58, St. Louis, Missouri Tom, usually, but not always, when younger women seek an older man it's because they see dollar signs in him. And since you can't afford profile help, they sense that and steer clear of you. I've a better idea. Seek women your age, even a bit older, and you may find the love of your life. Forget trying to date younger women -- get real. Find a mate who is close to your age. You'll be much happier. “it's because they see dollar signs in him”

The New Monogamy Until death do us part—except every other Friday. Add a Comment> 1 Comment | Add Yours> Comments | Add Yours> * By Em & Lo * Published Nov 12, 2005 Claire is a pretty, 31-year-old Park Sloper who studies furniture design. Her husband, Alex, is a 32-year-old Web-design consultant with a fondness for floral shirts. He’s the center of attention at a party; she’s the one off to the side, seemingly aloof but really just shy. That’s why she was shocked when, more than a year into their relationship, she was the one who found herself attracted to someone else. “I was totally confused, because I’d assumed that once I found ‘the one,’ I would be done with all that,” says Claire. “Going through all this was hard for us as a couple.” But when her husband subsequently got a crush of his own, she was more prepared. “Now that it was his turn, I was in a position to understand,” explains Claire. “So I told him, if he wanted to kiss her, that was okay—but I wanted to know about it, and I wanted that to be as far as things went without him talking to me first.” For much of human history, monogamy (or, at least, presumed monogamy) has been the default setting for long-term love. Hack the system, goes the theory, refuse to forsake all others, open the door even a crack—and the whole relationship will crash. Any dissenters have been pathologized as delusional idealists or worse. But now a new generation of couples is employing a kind of homeopathic hypothesis: that a tiny injection of adventure will ward off the urge to stray further—as long as it’s all on the table and up for discussion. (And just as with homeopathy, a healthy percentage of the population considers this premise bunk.) “I realized I really didn’t care what he did, I only cared how he felt,” says Claire. “So we spent many hours discussing our expectations and came up with a deal: Anything above the waist is okay, as long as we tell the other person. If it’s a problem, then we have to say so. And we’ll work it out.” So far, these negotiations have remained friendly. “I think the permission alleviates a lot of the stress of being with only one person for the rest of your life and makes us both feel lucky to have such an understanding partner.” For years, we have said—to each other, to our boyfriends, to people writing in to our advice column—that monogamy is a choice, and if you expect it to come naturally, then your relationship (or your shot at one) is doomed. In other words, don’t take monogamy for granted; take the urge to stray for granted. But then again, our underlying assumption was that of course you’d choose monogamy, because what other choice was there? That’s what happily-ever-after requires. Although we may crave a fling on the side, the thought of our partner’s doing the same is heartbreaking, and so we agree to fidelity in order not to drive each other crazy. But lately, these questions have become more than just theoretical. Em is engaged; Lo is in for the long haul with her fella. And we each recently began toying with the idea—independently of one another, and well before we were assigned this article—of arranging happy endings for our boyfriends at a Chinatown massage parlor, as a sort of gift in honor of long-term monogamy. Who knows where the idea came from? Was it something in the air? Pure generosity? Or a way to beta-test an idea? And could we go through with it? Probably, if we handled the arrangements, we agreed over a bottle of red one night at a Brooklyn wine bar. Naturally, we imagined the most clinical of hand jobs administered by wizened, grandmotherly ladies. But still, we took it as a sign of the times and of our evolution. The idea of jimmying the lock on monogamy is not new, of course. Even before marriage made the leap from an institution designed to protect property to something a bit more intimate (and in recent decades, with the changes wrought by feminism, to a freely chosen option for women), early American communes like the Oneida Community, founded in 1848, advocated nonpossessive love and “complex” (i.e., nonexclusive) marriage. In the fifties, Kinsey’s researchers swapped spouses. And by the seventies, the more daring members of the divorce-slash-therapy generation were experimenting with the form: key parties, organized swinger communities, and—inspired by the 1972 book Open Marriage, by George and Nena O’Neill—sanctioned slutting around. It never quite caught on, though, in part because the prospects of extramarital relationships (or even temptations) were so heavily skewed toward men, who had all the freedoms and fewer erotic prohibitions. These days, however, a woman is as likely as a man to attend a sales conference in Des Moines. E-mail, text messaging, and online porn and personals provide both men and women with privacy and virtual intimacy. Both sexes stay single longer, and variety is built into the way they think of their sex lives. The increasingly open gay community has dramatized the fact that there isn’t just one way to be two. Even evolutionary psychologists, once stalwarts of the men-cheat-women-cling school, are questioning whether females are innately monogamous. Perhaps this time around, seventies-style swinging and slutting will actually be feasible—and fair. Or maybe people will just start talking about it more. Because in its mildest form, managed monogamy is nothing more than the ability to joke about temptation. Our friend Patrick is fond of introducing his wife, Anne, as “my first wife.” Ty and Lynn tease each other about their respective “work girlfriends and boyfriends.” Andrew and his fiancée, Heidi, browse online ads to stimulate role play—imagining three-ways in a manner that is sheerly theoretical, so far. And then there are the popular celebrity lists swapped between partners, like a dirty game of fantasy football. “My fiancé and I each have a Hump Island,” says Karen, a 30-year-old editor. The idea being, which stars occupy their personal fantasy retreat? “The island has many iterations,” Karen explains. There’s Geriatric Hump Island (“for Robert Redford and Catherine Deneuve”), Lolita Hump Island (“That was for him, before Natalie Portman turned 18—I didn’t invite any young boys”), and Homo Hump Island (“He’s picked Elvis Costello, though I think it’s more of a man crush than an actual attraction”). What all these lists have in common is that they’re not meant to be attainable—mutual friends are definitely not welcome on Karen’s Hump Island. And even if she should find herself behind a velvet rope with the Sundance Kid, she’s not supposed to really make a move. However, not all couples keep the people around them out of the fantasy mix. Some freely scope men and women together—and a few go further. “My ex and I used to go to a bar and see who could start a conversation first,” says Kirk, a 32-year-old film editor. “It never went past flirting, but then we would go home and role-play the scenario. It always made for hot sex but never crossed the line of fantasy.” Of course, the trick is to keep that line from moving. Which is exactly why neither of us mentioned the happy-ending idea to our boyfriends. Until now. But let’s face it: Batting around hypotheticals is beginners’ stuff. “Before I met my boyfriend, I enjoyed nasty IMing and phone calls with a stranger I call my insignificant other,” says Diane, 30, a renovations project manager. When the couple got serious, they started negotiating and decided to be monogamous in physical acts only; they are still free to flirt, talk dirty on the phone, and share fantasies over IM. “As long as no one ends up actually making out with anyone else, it’s all fine.” There are risks involved in such experiments, of course: Letting your partner talk dirty is one thing; reading the transcripts another. So for many, being more directly involved in the dalliances can be, ironically, the more comfortable choice. Take strip clubs. “On my boyfriend’s birthday,” says Melinda Gallagher, Club Cake founder and co-author of A Piece of Cake: Recipes for Female Sexual Pleasure, “I asked all the female Cake dancers to give him a collective lap dance. We are friends with the dancers, so it was cute and playful.” And the giving goes both ways: “I wouldn’t hesitate to get him a lap dance at a strip club, but he usually prefers to get them for me instead.” If you’re partners in crime, it would seem, then there’s really no crime. Jonathan, an attorney, and his wife of one year, Natalie, both 30, prefer to keep professionals out of it, but they too like both parties to be present. “We’re more a couple who does everything together than a couple with separate social lives,” says Jonathan, “and that’s not about to change because we’re talking about nookie.” They recently took part in an extended game of Truth or Dare, says Natalie. “It involved a lot of kissing and feeling up—boys on boys, girls on girls, all combinations—and me getting licked navel to throat by the hot 23-year-old girl across the table.” Mike (42, writer) and Jessica (31, graphic designer) just celebrated their fourth anniversary. “When we first started dating, we talked about monogamy and how it seemed to create more problems than it solved,” says Mike. “So we decided we’d be open to new things, so long as we told each other everything and never did anything for the sake of the experience—we would only have sex when we were actually turned on.” They tested the waters by making out with people at clubs, and then a year or so later, had a three-way with a mutual friend. When that experience didn’t lead to jealousy, they agreed to “being open to other possibilities as they came along,” says Mike. Those “possibilities” have included, to date, make-out parties, more three-ways, a four-way (Jessica had sex with both members of the couple, Mike only with the other woman), and a full-blown orgy. They’ve even had the occasional licit one-night-stand independent of one another. How free! How . . . polyamorous! “We’re not polyamorous,” insists Mike—and in fact, every couple we spoke with said the same thing. “We don’t date other people, and we don’t have romantic relationships with our sex partners—though we’ve become close friends with some of them.” If he sounds a bit defensive, it’s understandable. Because in most people’s imaginations, you’ve got on the one hand your earnest, hairy polyamorists (see San Francisco) and on the other, doughy, middle-aged swingers (see Minnesota or HBO). These are the bogeymen of today’s hipster open relationships—if we swing tonight, can a purple muumuu and a relocation west be far behind? “What’s new here is not that couples are being nonmonogamous,” says Stephanie Coontz, professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington, and author of Marriage: A History. “It’s that couples are negotiating the terms of their monogamy.” Of course, such negotiations can be as exhausting as cheating ever was; just ask anyone who’s tried to plan a “nontraditional” wedding. There’s something to be said for the well-worn path—it’s like a built-in referee. Sure, you might not agree with his calls, but at least he always has one. “My dad’s a Presbyterian minister, so monogamy was always a very black-and-white concept,” says Stacey, a customer-service rep. But then a few years ago, two close family friends got divorced—not because they no longer loved each other but because they were attracted to other people. Stacey had herself been cheated on, so when she met Nate, her husband of more than a year, she told him that if he wanted to hook up with someone else, he should tell her. “I wanted a relationship strong enough for him to share his desires with me, even if those desires weren’t about me. Because what had really hurt in the past was not the indiscretions but that my partners had lied.” Stacey and Nate married young, at least by New York standards: She was 24 and he 25. And neither of them has acted on their do-ask-do-tell policy. But Stacey finds the agreement a comfort nonetheless. “We know that relationships are always changing,” explains Stacey. “Our marriage means we’re going to stick together through those changes.” Many straight couples struggling with these issues look to gay male friends, for whom a more fluid notion of commitment is practically the norm. William, a 34-year-old teacher, has been with his boyfriend, Dan, for more than five years. “We are totally closed for now,” insists William—but it’s not what you’re thinking. “It doesn’t rule out me making out with foreign boys against parked cars when Dan’s out of town.” Ah, semantics. “Talking about my sexual adventures outside my relationship shocks my straight friends, then titillates them,” says William. “Until finally they recognize the permanence of my relationship and begin to reinterpret it all as healthy and evolved.” Exhibit A is William’s married friend Nick, who took notice and took action. “Being a spectator of Will’s easy-come-easy-go escapades, though recognizably self-destructive at times, inspired me to bring some casual lust to a vagina not belonging to my wife,” he explains over e-mail. He was able to finagle a swinging episode with another couple. “I can’t say that my wife and I would never try it again. Her getting off turns me on.” Never let it be said that these new monogamists don’t know how to articulate their desires. In fact, their loquaciousness goes a long way toward explaining how and why they do it like they do: We’re living in an age of unprecedented emphasis on “communication” in relationships. (Yep, one more thing to blame on your shrink.) Thousands of books detail how couples should communicate their wants/needs/desires/pet peeves to one another. Not happy? Communicate your concerns. Bored with your sex life? Communicate your fantasies. Had an affair? Communicate your fuckup. The result of this communication-bingeing is that negotiation is starting to trump discretion. A man is copping a feel because his partner says he can, not because her back is turned. But he’s still copping a feel. And then there are the couples who are copping more than a feel. The 33-year-old photographer Clayton James Cubitt (a.k.a. Siege, for C.J.) and his fiancée, Katie James, a 35-year-old makeup artist and photographer, met in Minneapolis in 1999. “I knew immediately that this was the woman I was meant to be with,” says Siege. “The woman I’d been growing toward my whole life, and there’s nothing else I need.” Well . . . almost nothing. Because their relationship was long-distance, they started off as friends-with-benefits. During late-night calls, they swapped stories about their flings. “We would give each other little assignments,” says Siege. “Like, go off and do this, and send me a picture of it.” When Siege moved to New York, he knew what he wanted. “I didn’t want to fuck it up,” says Siege, “but I knew I couldn’t do the fidelity thing.” A prior seven-year monogamous relationship had ended when they both cheated. Katie had also recently ended a seven-year relationship when she discovered her boyfriend was fooling around—with both women and men. “It hit me that humans aren’t meant to be with just one person,” she says. “It’s like, you have this best friend, and you want the best for him. So if he’s hot for that chick over there, you want to be like, ‘Yeah, go for it!’ ” These two are open in every sense of the word: with each other, with everyone they meet, even with the public (Siege has a blog on Nerve.com to which he posts documentation of their escapades). When we requested an interview, Siege invited us to the Williamsburg apartment he shares with Katie. We both hesitated, then Em suggested a coffee shop two doors down instead. We’re usually fearless about nosing into people’s relationships, but knowing that this couple entertains guests on a more intimate basis threw us off balance. “What if they hit on us?” Em asked, insisting that she be the stenographer so Lo could handle the majority of the eye contact. “What if they don’t?” replied Lo. It’s a response Siege and Katie are familiar with. “If you’re attracted to a friend, it’s like, are you going to skeeve them out?” says Siege. “But if you’re not, are you going to insult them?” Like George C. Scott reportedly once told an actress, “I apologize if I get an erection, and I apologize if I don’t.” To our pleasant surprise, however, there is absolutely nothing skeevy about Siege and Katie. They’re smart, funny, polite, hip, attractive, self-deprecating, and affectionate with one another. And that’s the most disconcerting thing of all. Call us snobs, but it’s easy to dismiss suburban swingers who show up at orgies with a Tupperware container or Bay Area hippies missing the irony gene. But when a couple like Siege and Katie decry strict monogamy? It makes you wonder, How old-fashioned, socially programmed, and ass-backward am I? These two can certainly teach most couples a thing or two about communication: They finish each other’s sentences and tease one another gently about the few times they’ve failed to follow their own simple yet strict rules. (1) The Vampire Rule: If they’re both in the same city, they have to make it back by dawn. (2) The Three-Strikes Rule: All pinch hitters must be interested in befriending both Siege and Katie (and vice versa); however, up to three solo dates are acceptable to warm someone up. (3) The Postcards Rule: If they’re seeing someone else on their own, they must bring home photographic evidence. (4) The Woman-Only Rule: Katie is bisexual, Siege is not—thus, for pinch hitters to meet rule No. 2, they must be female. (5) The Veto Rule: for Katie’s benefit, allowing her to rule out potential home-wreckers. (6) The Safety Rule: What some couples call “body-fluid monogamy,” i.e., always use condoms when having sex with a third . . . or a fourth . . . or a fifth . . . Above and beyond the rules, what makes their relationship work, say Siege and Katie, is that they’re a team, and that comes before anything (hence the Three-Strikes Rule). In fact, this idea of working together came up repeatedly with couples who have tweaked monogamy: Part of the appeal, it seems, is a sort of “us against the world” vibe. More than one couple referred to their additional partners as living, breathing sex toys. After about an hour of enlightened coffee-shop conversation, even we started coming round to their way of thinking. Now ashamed of our own measly massage-parlor schemes, we started seeing ourselves as sexual Neanderthals introduced to the advanced civilization of lust. But then Katie said something that jolted us out of our daydreams: “Sometimes we’ll go for months when it’s just the two of us. But if I just happen to be busy or not in the mood, then I’m not going to stop him. For example, the other night I had a bunch of work to do, so when Siege brought a new girl home, I stayed in the bedroom while they took a bath. I walked past and just said hi.” Em typed away without skipping a beat and Lo nodded professionally, as if to say, “Ah, yes, you simply popped your head in politely, as one is wont to do when one finds one’s boyfriend screwing a total stranger in one’s bathtub.” What?! We kicked each other under the table—our previously worked-out, intricate signal for “Holy crap!” We were no longer wondering whether we got it; we now knew for sure. We didn’t. No matter how appealing the spokespeople, there are some things that will just never compute for your average (i.e., occasionally insecure or jealous) couple. There is no way not to admire Siege and Katie, but there is an otherworldly quality to their relationship—talking to them brings on a slight feeling of disconnect, not unlike walking into your local bar and spotting a celebrity. If Katie and Siege have taken their nonmonogamy to the extreme, perhaps it’s because they fit a pattern we saw emerge in our research: The most smooth-running nontraditional relationships, it seems, comprise a straight man and a bisexual woman who’s not particularly interested in men besides her No. 1 guy. “I wish I were bi,” says Siege. “It’d make things easier. But it’s like this island of old-fashionedness in my brain—I just don’t want her messing around with other guys. Because I don’t find men attractive, my only instinct would be to punch them.” In fact, it’s rare to find hetero couples where the guy is willing to entertain even fantasies involving other men. Christen, a 33-year-old performance artist, says that neither she nor her husband are “conventionally straight,” so they ogle men and women together—like “pretty boy Mig from Rock Star: INXS.” But we found that male-female couples like this are few and far between. It’s impossible to isolate a single explanation, but we’ll take a shot: Maybe women really are more sexually fluid than men—or their sexuality is simply more socially malleable. Or maybe this is just a particular brand of bisexuality; most of the women we spoke with said they are sexually, but not romantically, attracted to other women. And maybe this is a good thing, a sign that girls have more options, more pleasure, more of an experimental nature, more freedom overall. Or there’s the negative interpretation: Perhaps this is all a performance to turn guys on, Girls Gone Wild Gone Nonmonogamous. It could be that sexually speaking, women are just not taken seriously: Hot, yes, but as sex toys, not real romantic threats. (Who could trump the mighty penis?) As two women about to embark on what we hope will be lifelong commitments, we’re left wondering: Has the bar suddenly been raised? Is female bisexuality the latest way to be the perfect girlfriend? Which is not to say that women don’t also crave a variety of male partners: “A woman needs to feel potent, too,” says Mia, a 32-year-old CFO. “She needs to know men want her. It fuels her fantasies. It makes her feel alive.” The problem is, it’s rare to find a man willing to negotiate these options. Thus, a hetero woman is more likely to be nonmonogamous in a don’t-ask-don’t-tell set-up such as the 50-Mile Rule (don’t sleep with anyone who lives in your city) or to simply cheat. “Before Tom and I were engaged,” says Mia, “I could leave town and end up in bed with an entire soccer team and he’d never know. And he was always smart enough not to ask.” But once they got engaged, Mia reined it in, figuring they had an unspoken agreement that marriage meant monogamy. Still, her urges lingered. “I did consider fooling around for one last hurrah before I tied the knot, but, alas, a good opportunity never presented itself.” When partners reject the cult of communication this way, the built-in dishonesty can wreck things right off. “My last boyfriend said he didn’t want to take away my freedom, so I could fuck around so long as it wasn’t with his friends and we didn’t talk about it,” says Sarah, a 26-year-old proofreader. “But he’s a musician, very good-looking and charismatic, and always on tour: He was just protecting his own freedom.” Sarah engaged in her own extracurricular activities, more than she thinks he expected. “I wished we could have been an ethically nonmonogamous couple, but how could I present myself to other guys as an ethical slut when our policy was ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’? I wanted to talk to him about the guys, and I wanted to know what he was doing on tour, but he wouldn’t go there.” They soon split up. These types of conundrums don’t affect only straight couples. When lesbians Gillian (32, producer) and Kiki (28, psychiatric social worker) met three years ago, Gillian, like many people considering an open relationship, was getting over a cheating ex. Gillian suggested nonmonogamy, and though Kiki was shocked and slightly offended at first, she acquiesced. “I figured that this way, I would get honesty,” says Gillian. But a year in, Kiki hit it off with Susan, a woman with whom they’d had a three-way. Kiki fell in love with the pinch hitter, and the two dated monogamously for a year until Kiki cheated again . . . with Gillian, her ex. Now Kiki’s got a brand-new serious girlfriend, and they are contemplating a three-way: “We’re going to pick someone that neither of us thinks we could wind up falling in love with,” says Kiki. “Someone a little bit slutty who won’t get attached to us.” Meanwhile, Gillian is single and is done with any kind of open relationship. “I’ve learned that I’m strictly a one-woman woman.” A similar split comes up in a new documentary out this month in New York called Three of Hearts: A Postmodern Family, about a “trinogamous” threesome comprising two men—Sam and Steven—and one straight woman, Samantha. Living in the city, they marry (well, two marry, all three have a commitment ceremony), they sleep and have sex with each other in one bed, and they have two children—one by each man—over the course of their eight-year relationship. But like many attempted Utopias—which is what any form of monogamy could be considered—it falls apart when Steven declares that he’s not happy and can’t live a life that he feels was always Sam’s idea. It’s way too soon to tell if managed monogamy is any more effective than its stringent cousin at keeping couples happy for the long haul. Even if people can do it, that doesn’t guarantee them eternal love: Is the open relationship really about freedom, or is it about competition, wishful thinking, controlling cheating, rebelliousness for the sake of being different, or passive-aggressive punishment? But then, the same could be said of monogamy, which can derive from equally suspect motives. Maybe it’s not sex that makes or breaks a couple, after all; maybe it’s the couple’s willingness to change their minds about what fidelity means. We met many strictly monogamous couples who have no interest in any kind of openness, ever—a high proportion refused to even discuss the subject, with their partner or us. But, remarkably, we didn’t find a single open (or openish) couple who weren’t amenable to being (more) monogamous in the future. “An open relationship doesn’t just mean you’re open to sex with other people,” says Siege. “It means you’re open to changes in the relationship, too.” Over and over, couples told us that their goal is less about sex than it is about wanting a relationship that will bend with pressure, rather than break. “It’s like being held together with an elastic band instead of a ball and chain,” says Bob, a 50-year-old married animation director open to the notion of sanctioned affairs. Seven years ago, when we were in our twenties, single, and working at Nerve.com, we would proofread sex memoirist Lisa Carver’s diaries and gasp at how “out there” she was, making out with a girlfriend at a party and then calling her husband to tell him how it went. For us and our imaginary future husbands, it was out of the question. We were knee-jerk monogamists who had never been in, or witnessed, an open relationship that worked. Now, with real-life future husbands and decades of monogamy stretched out before us, Lisa’s stunt is neither particularly shocking nor out of the question. For years, we’ve joked that all sex advice really boils down to is “communicate, communicate, communicate.” Meeting the nonmonogamists did confirm this, in a way—because when, during the course of writing this article, we finally fessed up to our partners about the massage-parlor idea, we realized that doing so was the beginning of a long conversation, about what it means to be together, about variety, about the way we see sex now. (And, as it turned out, Em’s fiancé wasn’t even particularly interested in the idea, especially once it came with a permission slip.) For us—and for many of the couples we spoke with—all this talk about nonmonogamy is, essentially, talk about monogamy. It’s certainly a lot more challenging than learning a new position in bed. These conversations are far from innocuous, however. What happens if one partner wants to fantasize about a three-way, and the other wants to have one, next weekend, with the hot bassist next door? Once you’ve jointly questioned the conventional wisdom and then balk, it’s not society saying no to the candy—it’s you. The most well-adjusted nonmonogamists we found were those who could acknowledge that what they’re both comfortable with today may freak out either of them tomorrow. As for us, we’re still monogamists at heart, for now, though we’ve learned not to take that for granted—because we discovered that despite all our preaching, we had, in fact, been taking monogamy for granted. And we think we’ve learned to stop poking fun at all those crazy swingers, too. After all, there’s more than one way to a happy ending. Managed Monogamy Above-the-waist rule An agreement that any touching above the beltline is fair game. Body-fluid monogamy When a couple forgoes the latex with each other but requires it for all outside sexual activity. Celebrity trading card As seen on Friends: an imaginary laminated card in your wallet—proof that your partner has given permission for you to sleep with the stars listed. Cheating Secret, extracurricular romantic and/or sexual activity that breaks the rules. So nineties, so lame. Closed relationship How some people in open relationships refer to “old-fashioned” monogamy. Don’t ask, don’t tell A policy whereby people in a committed relationship may screw around, so long as they are discreet. Ethical slut A promiscuous person who strives to approach partners with respect and honesty. (From the 1997 how-to book by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt.) Fifty-mile rule You don’t sleep with anyone who lives in your city. (Also the title of a 2002 book by Judith Brandt.) Make-out party Events open to the public where semi-nudity and above-the-waist fondling are encouraged. Open flirting policy An understanding that flirting is healthy, harmless fun. Open relationship A long-term, committed relationship in which the couple explicitly agrees to extracurricular sexual activity, either together or individually. Party bisexual A woman or a man who engages in same-sex sex-play after multiple martinis. Pinch hitter Someone a couple brings in to spice up their love life, e.g., to watch them have sex or to get together with one-half of the couple while the partner watches. Physical monogamy You can look, fantasize, and engage in dirty talk— but no touching. Polyamory A philosophy of being involved with multiple long-term, intimate partners. Polyfidelity Having more than one long-term partner but being closed to additions, e.g. trinogamy (see below). Polygamy Multiple spouses. Swinging Partner-swapping. Sometimes referred to as “the Lifestyle.” Trinogamous To be in a committed threesome. Work boyfriend/girlfriend A colleague —your lunchmate, IM partner, smoking buddy, etc. No sex, though. Find this article at: http://www.nymag.com/lifestyle/sex/annual/2005/15063

Managing Open Relationships: Fuck Buddies and Friends with Benefits

Women live in a unique social environment today, as witnessed by the below quotes from Miss Lohan. With the empowerment of sex and being able to enjoy yourself sexually with little to no consequence, women obtain the power that was once only a man's to have and give - the power of choice.

However, even most women, prefer to attach a stigma to a woman who may 'give them a bad name' by professing her long list of partners. See, the freedoms given to women through the Sexual Revolution were unique freedoms. While the bra burners have no problem forcing you to deal with their choices, the rest of the women out there have friends, families, and jobs that could be affected by the knowledge that they are so loose with their morals. Tom Leykis once referred to this as the need for Plausible Deniability.

From Lindsay Lohan's interview with News of the World:

Sex And The City changed everything for me because those girls would just sleep with so many people. And that's me. I'm not dating just one person. It is the variety of partners everyone likes, especially at my age. I'm like Angelina Jolie, taking on lovers. I don't need a steady relationship. I mean if the sex is bad, the relationship's not going anywhere. Anyway, I don't even think I have had my best kiss yet. I have only been in love once and that was with Wilmer. But the timing was bad. And there were all these girls around. He would flirt and I couldn't handle that. I couldn't trust him. My mum's going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people - but if I'm going to give my body to someone, I'd rather them not be with other people. It's very old-fashioned.

I'm not knocking Lindsay here. Hell, I applaud her loose lips. Most men would agree that she'd be an excellent hump-trophy. Even if she's not a woman you'd ever bring home to mom.

I'll get a little more into plausible deniability in a few other articles - it's something that deeply interests me because we hear it all the time. Ever hear one of these sentences:

"We were just hanging out… One thing just led to another…"

or

"I was just so drunk.. it just happened"

Those are favorites of mine, and ones you hear when the scores of hot, young, college chicks get back from exotic locations where they went to Spring Break with "just the girls", but ended up … "just happening" … with a bunch of guys.

A woman wants her freedom to choose to act this way - but also the ability to retain her "not a slut" status. After all, a man like James Bond who takes on lovers recklessly is a stud, while a woman that does the same is a whore. The ever present double standard. The quarterback and the cheerleader.

In the end, I think this is best chalked up to plain stupidity. As you've noticed if you've kept up with Lohan's attempt to rehab herself, this girl isn't going to be attending Mensa meetings anytime soon. However, this dirty trash that gets aired for her, is the same that most 20 year olds get the luxury of hiding from those that they feel may judge.

Now I'm not a judgmental person, but I do believe in calling things what they are. The more we try to live the "perceive me as I say I am, not as I act" lifestyle, the more we perpetuate this nasty stereotype that probably causes more damage than it should.

Are You a Sex Goddess? 15 Ways to Know for Sure

by Tracey Cox (see more from this contributor)

So maybe you've never had any complaints, but... how can you really tell if you rate high on the sex-skills scale ‑- or if you still have some tricks to learn? Well, there are some essential signs that back up your bedroom abilities ‑- and they're not as obvious as you might think. Put your between-the-sheets talents to the test.

1. You've Got the Right Attitude

In the 1970s, famous sexologists Masters and Johnson discovered that sexual pleasure involves the brain as much as the body. They proclaimed sex as "psychophysiological," which basically means that if you've got the right attitude, the physical rewards will be substantial. So what is required to reach the holy grail of sexual satisfaction? There are three main traits: knowledge (a solid understanding of how your body and your partner's body work), experience (practice makes perfect) and an open mind (the ability to let go of inhibitions, not judge and not worry about what you look like). And of those three, maintaining an open mind is the most crucial.

2. You'll Try Everything (Within Reason) Once

The best lovers know that judging your partner for his offbeat suggestions is a bad idea. He wants you to dress up as a vampire and talk dirty in a Dracula-style dialect while simultaneously sucking his left big toe? So what! As long as no one is being hurt physically or emotionally and it doesn't become a necessity (at which point it could be considered a fetish), I say anything goes. If you've had lovers say "I've always wanted to try so-and-so, but I've never felt comfortable enough to suggest it with anyone else before," you definitely rank high on the Great Lovers list.

3. You Play Games

Sex is supposed to be fun ‑- and games aren't just for children. The more playful you are in bed, the higher you'll be rated. If you've taken turns as each other's sex slave or tried role-playing your fantasies (he's a shy virgin while you play Mrs. Robinson, he's a door-to-door salesman while you're the sex-starved housewife, etc.), then you're the girl your ex-lovers will never forget. Bonus points if you've used blindfolds, tied him up, introduced sex toys or acted out a scene in a film that turns you on. If this isn't you, learn from your sexy sisters: Loosen up a little, laugh a lot, drop the inhibitions and let your imagination run wild.

4. You Make the First Move as Often as Possible

One of the most common male complaints is "She never initiates sex," so girls who do get big gold stars. If you always wait for your partner to instigate sex, you're seriously missing out. Initiating sex when you don't usually do so can unzip even the most sluggish of libidos. Your partner will be caught pleasantly off-guard, and you'll get a buzz from taking the power position.

5. You Keep Your Genitals Fit

A six-pack might be sexy, but far more impressive are tight PC muscles. Regular Kegel exercises (repetitively squeezing the muscle you use to cut off the flow of urine) makes virtually any sex position heaven for him ‑- and for you! After all, the tighter your vagina, the more sensation you'll feel as well.

6. Your Foreplay Lasts Twice as Long as Intercourse

It's not just women who love foreplay ‑- men love it, too! If you've stopped thinking of intercourse as "sex" and foreplay as the stuff you do before intercourse, pat yourself on the back. You've recognized that intercourse doesn't have to be the main course ‑- and that your session doesn't have to end when that part of it is over. Hands and tongues are far more dextrous than an erect penis and are just as useful for producing pleasure.

7. You Know That If He's Not Erect, It's Probably Not Your Fault

Your fingers inch toward his groin, ready to wrap around a firm, pulsating, excited penis ‑- except that, hmm, it seems to have gone to sleep. How do you react? Well, nearly all men experience an episode of impotence by the age of 40, so if you're sexually active, it could happen with you. The girl who barely bats an eyelid and doesn't take it personally is the girl he'll want to marry. Overindulgence in alcohol or drugs, anxiety about measuring up to your standards (or your previous boyfriend's) and just plain exhaustion can all leave him limp. It doesn't mean he thinks your bum is too big or that he's got his eye on someone else. A clever girl won't dwell on it and will ask him to use his hands and tongue to bring her to orgasm ‑- because shifting the focus from him to you takes the pressure off (and usually solves the problem).

8. You Put In the Effort

A good lover accepts that just as our bodies and faces age over time, needing more work to keep them looking good, so do our sex and love lives. We all tend toward the presumption that good sex magically "just happens," but that's not even close to the case. Being a good lover means doing whatever it takes to stay interested in each other.

9. You Laugh Off Any Embarrassments

Sex is smelly, noisy, sweaty and unflattering. And if you've never done anything in bed that's caused you the slightest bit of embarrassment, you win the award for World's Most Boring Lover. The World's Best Lover has had semen in her hair, broken wind at the worst possible moment, looked down at her body and thought "Good grief! I really should have joined a gym" and fallen on her face with her knickers around her ankles. If your reaction to any of these things is "Who cares! The sex was worth it!" you've got the right idea. You're having sex, after all, not performing live on telly.

10. You Say No Without Feeling Guilty

A great lover knows it's okay to not have ‑- or even want ‑- sex all the time. Forget the movies; everyone's libido waxes and wanes based on hormones, stress levels, children and health. Most partners would prefer you said no rather than begrudgingly perform on demand. And the unpredictability of occasionally saying no could actually make your sex life more exciting, because the minute sex becomes automatic, you lose the thrill of it. How to say "Thanks, but no thanks" without offending? Don't say no, say when. Instead of "Not tonight," try "Let's wait until the weekend so we don't have to rush and can really enjoy it."

11. You Own a Vibrator and Use It Regularly

Men often feel threatened by vibrators, but the truth is, women who own one have higher libidos and generally want more sex ‑- and I can't imagine they'd argue with that! The more orgasms you have, the more your body craves orgasms, and there's no quicker way to achieve them than with a vibrator. A clever girl won't demote her toys to the back of a drawer when her lover is around, but rather she'll put on a performance for him ‑- and even use them on him. With the vibrator set on a low speed, some men love the feeling of it being against their testicles or perineum during intercourse. And oral sex feels so much better for him if you hold it against the side of your mouth while you go to work.

12. You Speak Up

Lying back and thinking, "Soon he'll hit the spot, I know he will" is not only naively optimistic, it's wasting perfectly good sex time. You could both have had two orgasms by the time he's figured it out! Mouths aren't just for kissing and oral sex; they're for telling each other what turns you on and what doesn't. Just keep your suggestions positive. And if you're feeling especially brave, ask him to open up first. Would he like more or less pressure when you're touching his penis? Which technique feels best? He'll be flattered you're interested in learning what excites him ‑- and more inclined to ask you where he can improve.

13. You've Abandoned the Bed and Had Sex Outside

On the beach, in the car, on the balcony when the neighbors are out (or in)... Changing location adds spice and appeals to the exhibitionist in all of us. Semipublic sex is up there in the top five fantasies for men, the top 10 for women. A girl who'll take a (calculated) risk is valued much higher by her lovers than one who refuses to be unconventional when it comes to lusty locales.

14. You Realized Ages Ago That Faking It Is Pointless

Women fake orgasms because we can ‑- men rarely notice ‑- to get sex over with and to avoid hurting his feelings. Some sex therapists even say that if you have real orgasms with your partner 90 percent of the time, it's acceptable (though not recommended) to fake 10 percent. But if you've both moved beyond idealistic performance-based sex (one orgasm for each of you, every single time), not reaching orgasm every single time is not a big deal. It's called real life ‑- we're not machines. And anyway, giving is just as pleasurable as receiving.

15. Your Ex-Lovers Admit You Were Great in Bed

It's the acid test: If you're friends with your exes, at some point the conversation always turns to "How was I? You can be honest now." While we might still sugarcoat things to make swallowing a bitter pill sweeter, if an ex raves about your past performance between the sheets, it's a good bet he's telling the truth. If more than three exes have spoken highly of you sexually, award yourself Super Sexpert status. And if you're constantly praised for one signature sex move, even better. Knowing you have a guaranteed, trademarked moan-maker works wonders for sexual self-esteem, doesn't it?

Missed one of Tracey's columns? Read them all here. Check out Tracey's Love Bytes video series here.

Explosive Tantric Sex Techniques

Good things come to those who wait

This isn't Philosophy 101. There won't be any debates or unearthing and dissecting of the secrets of tantric sex. You're not interested in converting to a tantric lifestyle, but you would like to try some techniques that will enable you to last longer, orgasm harder and leap tall buildings. Okay, so you won't be able to leap tall buildings, but you will be able to keep your pleasure at its precipice while you take her over the edge again and again. If you're interested in giving her a good time that she won't soon forget, read on. With these tips, you won't succumb to sexual pleasures until you're both gasping and you decide to take that plunge. It's all in your control.

PC Muscle Contractions

You may notice that it is difficult to keep going or even to stay awake after you've ejaculated; in tantra, it is believed that ejaculation depletes your energy. This belief has led to new practices that train the man and his muscles to recognize energy flows and release them without losing his own vitality.

The pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle), also known as the "love muscle," is located from your pubic bone to your tailbone. This amazing muscle can intensify your orgasms as well as stop ejaculation from occurring. To tone and strengthen this muscle — and, ultimately, to increase your level of pleasure many times over — all you have to do is exercise it.

To locate it, urinate and try to stop the flow of urine. Now that you know what it feels like to contract this muscle, practice flexing it 20 to 25 times a day. Perform a couple of sets each day and increase repetitions when you're able, but be careful not to overdo it. During sex, combine PC muscle contractions with the breathing tips that I've listed below. Relax and enjoy.

Testes Tug and Penis Tip Squeeze

These techniques also sustain the tantric belief in delaying ejaculation. The aim is to retain your semen, energy and vitality by not spilling it all through sexual acts. It's believed that lovemaking will allow you to attain heightened states and gain an awareness of energy flows. Try these simple techniques to reach a higher state and energy level.

As you near orgasm, delay the overwhelming urge to ejaculate by pulling your testes down and away from your body; this is known as the testes tug. You can practice this technique by yourself to train your body to reach pleasure without ejaculation or you can have your girl do this for you.

Another way to sustain lovemaking is to perform the penis tip squeeze. Gently squeeze your penis just below the glans and you will prolong your sexual experience. Experiment and play with yourself or have her do it for you. Either way, you will learn how to gain more pleasure.

Changing Positions

If it seems like this is all about you, that's because it is. Though it may take longer for a woman, she can have multiple orgasms. You do not have that same ability... yet. With time and practice, you will gain the ability to achieve orgasm without ejaculation, but it does take patience to acquire this skill.

While you work on your multiple orgasms, try these tips to experience lasting lovemaking. If you've read or browsed the Kama Sutra , you've seen and possibly tried the multitude of possible positions. These varied positions come from the philosophical belief that a man's health requires the reservation of his fluids and energy, and that by changing sexual positions, the flow of increasing sexual arousal is broken. The buildup then begins anew because the sensations and the rhythms have changed. You can experiment with new positions and find the ones you both enjoy as you give her a lengthy and passionate experience.

Breathing Techniques

Tantra can take you to different levels of lovemaking. Used in nonsexual and sexual ways, breathing is an essential part of tantra. Learning how to breathe will enable you to extract energies from her and the world around you. It also allows energies to flow back and forth between the two of you. Tantra uses many breathing exercises and lingers over each, gradually building upon gained expertise before moving on to the next level. However, you don't need to master them all to master yourself.

When men and women are excited, they often quicken their breathing or pant, which increases their arousal. And when they near climax, both tend to hold their breath. Thus, controlled breathing is an effective way to stave off your orgasm. Remember to be steady and relaxed and to breathe deeply, slowly and rhythmically.

Combining Forces

Tantra trains the mind as much as it does the body; it is about a feeling of wholeness. Tantric sex isn't dualistic, and it does not want the separation of the mind and body. Rather, it seeks to join them in something greater and to make that union palpable and entirely enmeshed. It does not seek ejaculation, as sex isn't about the orgasm or how long it takes. The techniques used in tantric sex are designed to enhance your relationship and bind you emotionally and spiritually. It is all about the intermingling and interplay of energies. Above all, she'll love the techniques and appreciate the new, longer-lasting you.

More from AskMen.com :

• Increase His Bedroom Stamina
  
• Positions to Help Him Last Longer
  
• Tips for Him When You're More Experienced
  

Don't Miss It!
Wondering why your guy did this or said that? Don't ask your girl friends...ask the Guy Decoder! See his explanations for the most common male misbehaviors right now.

The Sensational Secret Orgasm Extender

Greedy girls pay attention: If you want a longer, deeper, more intense orgasm, you've (ahem) come to the right place. Considering the average female orgasm lasts between 15 and 30 seconds, it's not surprising that many women feel a little, well, cheated when it comes to coming.

Now imagine an orgasm that lasts a full 30 minutes, with the odd random contraction happening up to a day afterward. This was the astonishing promise of two U.S. sexologists who pioneered what's called the Extended Sexual Orgasm technique in the 80s. It was a pretty big claim -- and it got a pretty big response at the time. But just like the G-spot, when people couldn't figure out the whole orgasmic program in five minutes flat, it quickly and quietly disappeared into the "too complicated" basket… until now.

Sex therapists have recently resurrected Extended Sexual Orgasm (ESO) -- and are seeing some spectacular results. What's changed? The fact is, we're far more sex-savvy now than ever before. So let's get started.

Step One: On Your Own

• Think positively about sex. Most of us, according to the sexologists, resist pleasure rather than welcome pleasure-- so you need to do some 'cognitive restructuring'. In simple terms, this means thinking, "This is great -- let's go with it," rather than "Oh God, my Mother would freak if she saw me now."
• Do Kegel pelvic floor exercises. For the uninitiated -- and where have you been? -- these involve squeezing, holding, then releasing the same muscle you use to stop the flow of urine. The idea is to strengthen your pubococcygeus muscles, and standard sets involve clenching and releasing 25 to 30 times, three times a day.
• Pay attention when you masturbate. If you already know which strokes, speed, pressure and rhythms suit you, well done! Practice makes perfect for the rest of you.

Stage Two: With Your Partner

• You lie down while he sits or kneels cross-legged beside or in between your legs and applies some personal lubricant to the whole of your vagina and perineum (the part of your body between your vagina and anus). Next he should lightly brush and stroke your genitals but he's not allowed to stimulate the clitoris and inside the vagina. He does this for at least five minutes.
• The stimulation now moves to the clitoris. He should slowly and steadily circle the clitoris with a finger, travelling around it once per second. At the same time, you tell him exactly what pressure and rhythm feels good.
• As he continues to stimulate your clitoris, you start doing your pelvic floor squeezes as you breathe deeply from your stomach. Prepare for your orgasm, because now it gets a bit complicated bit for him.
• As you feel you're about to climax, he should watch and feel for regular two-second contractions in your genital area; this means you're about to orgasm. Once these contractions start, he needs to stop stimulating the clitoris and immediately move to stroking the inner vaginal walls. Using his fingers, he can either push them in and out, or sweep them in circles in and out of the entrance. If he concentrates on the front vaginal wall (the bit underneath your tummy), stroking with his fore and middle finger is another option. Most crucial of all, whichever technique he chooses, the rhythm should be slow and steady.
• After you've had your orgasm, he'll feel the vagina start to pull away - the point when most couples stop. But not this time! In ESO, your first orgasm is only the beginning, remember? Instead, he continues using his fingers inside the vagina, using a light touch initially, then upping the frequency and pressure once you feel ready for more. This should set off another series of contractions.
• The minute he feels a pause in the pulsating, he should move quickly back to stroking the clitoris as before. If he continues to steadily circle the clitoris, this should trigger even more contractions - at which point he moves back to stimulating inside the vagina again. He then continues switching back and forth from vaginal to clitoral stimulation until your contractions occur every one to five seconds.
• After doing this for 15 minutes, the contractions start to become continuous. When the vagina pushes out in a continual wave-like motion, you're in the final phase. He now gets into a position where he can use both hands -- and keep his balance -- to stimulate the clitoris and the vagina simultaneously. The result: wave after wave of orgasms. …And to think you were going to give up!

Other Ways to Keep It Coming

• Find your "hot days." It's worth noting which days of the month you feel most aroused. Keep a chart. If Day One is the first day of your period, simply mark the days you feel sexy after that with a cross (record those days you can't help but notice). After a few months, you may see a pattern emerging -- or not; some of us don't have one. If you do, it makes sense to try for extended orgasms during those periods.
• Drink less. Alcohol numbs and represses your bodily functions, lowering your chances of achieving extended sexual orgasms.
• Use lubricant. It allows you to be stimulated for longer without experiencing soreness.
• Move those hips. The more you move your pelvis, the longer and more intense the sexual charge. (Try belly dancing for ultimate flexibility!)
• Focus on the sensation. Men seem better at staying focused on orgasm, while women tend to "wander off" mentally. Search with your mind for the last, tiniest contraction to fully appreciate the experience.
• Switch stimulation. If you've just had a clitoral orgasm, switch to penetration or vaginal stimulation to continue the sensations or try for number two. If you've just climaxed through intercourse, switch to him giving you oral sex. Often, the first orgasm is sharper and quicker, the second could be longer.