Hi, I'm Annelid. You might remember me from such self-help youtube videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin", and "Get Confident, Stupid."

I live like a drug addicted celebrity except I'm broke and don't do drugs.

I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

I usually have an epiphany of why I'm single halfway through any meal.

Age 15: Someday I'm going to own a Ferrari. Age 20: Maybe I'll get a BMW someday. Age 47: I hope someone in a Mercedes hits me in a crosswalk.

If you were a depressed dinosaur, everything just kind of worked out.

I'd watch a horror movie that was just about a guy trying to figure out how to talk to women.

Stupid vultures, stop circling me. I'm only dead in the inside.

"Row row row your boat" really takes a dark and existential turn at the end there.

Hey,babies crying, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Moderately attractive divorcees with a diminishing belief in finding true love and a fear of dying alone are in your area.

Start the week right: filled with crippling self-doubt.

Why kill time when you can kill yourself?

I'm actually very likable when no one's around and it's just me alone in an empty room.

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi.... ME: [following him] Annelid, looking for a bathroom.

I like my women like i like my passwords, infuriatingly complicated and full of profanity.

I don't care what shape the earth is, just tell me how to escape.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he was paralyzed by the thought of mortality.

SEXT: I've lost the capacity for human emotion.

CANDLE: *slowly destroying itself in exchange for shining brightly, beautifully, fleetingly* ME: same