Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you. Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF! Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. Wri

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She mu

Sorry been gone so long. Another death in the family but am BACK

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HOW THEY HAVE SEX ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. ACTORS do it on cue. ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method. AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. ANSI does it in the standard way ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. ARCHITECTS have great pla

Did you hear about the Polish guy who ate pussy? He spit out the kittens after he was done

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking """ Slow down and use a lubriciant

Confucious Quotes Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. Man who smoke pot choke on handle. Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok. Man who have women on ground have pie

Dear Lord So far this year I've done well. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from t

Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?" Girl: "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe." Santa: "Doesn't Barbie always come with Ken?" Girl: No, she only fakes it with Ken."

A man, wearing only a bathrobe, bends over the Christmas tree to pick up a present. His young son looks up the robe and asks, "Hey Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"

What do you call an anorexic with thrush? A quarter pounder with cheese!

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

You go Santa! A Santa Claus Story 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the wh

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it? Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands. Then say, "B

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART! Why WAL-MART?? HELLOOOOOOOOO! WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the w

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???...... A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock. A lady asks "What are you dressed as?" He says a fireman! You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.