Haunted by life's little ironies. Ever felt that way? The little things in life that remind you of their existance, the second you think your scot free?
Yeah, Today was a day for the ironies. Score one to them. You fuckers.
Reminded today, by the ironies, was a little something I like to call, "Failure"
Now, I'm gonna let everyone in on a little secret of mine. I can't stand failing. I fear it. I physically lose control and revert into a mess of sobbing, tears, snot and emo. Failure kills me. I've watched almost everyhting and everyone in my family fail... I can't be that.
Anyway. Failure reminded me of it's presence today, in my relationships. Now, we may or may not know shit about the past, and I call it the past, because I feel the person I was is not who I am anymore.
Although.. some of my so-called "friends" would have everyone believe otherwise. -mumbles something about cunt-driven fucks- I'm not.
Irrelevant tangent.
Ironies. Right.
So, in Calc, they rear their head. First off, I failed calc last semester. Failed it. First class ever. And it was a fuckin' math class. -shakes head-
Needless to say, round 2, I'm not takin' so hot. Anyway, Tool slipped into my head, as it usually does when I begin to think a lot. "We'll ride the spiral to the end/may just go where no-one's been"
And I felt a tear slip my eyelid and crawl down my face. A moment of weakness amidst a class of failure, Now I was in double shit with myself. Nobody sees me do that shit. EVER. I hastily got rid of the foreign obtrusion, and looked around flustered to see who saw... Satisfied it was nobody I began to focus in on myself.
Why was I sad?
What caused that?
What's so fucking ironic?
And then, vibrations, from my pocket. Right, I'd been talking to **** all day, and sure enough, they had responded. Another cute message. Smiley faces... haha... I love the smiley faces...
And I felt another one about to slip. I realized what it was. "Spiral out...." The reason today had been such an ironic day... "Keep going...."
You ever wonder what it is that attracts you to somebody? Why amidst a sea of faces, one stands out, and you think - I need to know this person.... And then you start talking to them (assuming you have the cahones... which 9 times outta ten, I classify those girls in the "Perfect/Beautiful/Would never want me" Catagory.) And they turn out to be truly amazing.
Anything and everything that just feel sgood and right in the world? Not a bad quality you can find. They don't have that one snaggletooth that drives you up the fuckin' wall. They don't constantly get on your nerves asking "Why?" or "Whats wrong?!". THey just seem... perfect?
-le sigh- Yeah. And then Irony jumped on my shoulder, and I turned my head to look at it... and it pointed at a word, rather another persons name... and the text came into focus, and sure enough, it was the same dilemma... the same little fuckin' irony.
You hear compliments everyday, and many you shrug off, "They don't mean it", "whatever..", "THat's not true, flatterer.." And yet.... You get a compliment from that one person.... and suddenly, you feel jolted. Like you liked a 9volt battery, not enough to shock you, but a jolt. And you feel your faceget hot, and you stumble for words... and for the love of fucking god, you feel human! You feel special, and wanted, and cared about, and like a million freakin' dollars.
Because you believe it to be true...
You feel it to be true...
Hell, you fucking know it to be true...
But, the irony is that you aren't the one who's best. You're outdone. Someone else is stronger, faster, a better lover, better in bed, has a straighter smile, whatever. Someone else shadows you. Steals your thunder...
And I know... Because This happens all the time with my best friend J. I always steal his thunder.... I have all through growing up. No, not intentionally... But every time. And I have to correct people, and tell them J did it. But the damage is done...
And Ironically, it happens to me in totally different ways. I'm outshadowed, outclassed, outdressed, outplayed. When it comes to relationships. I've been single for a year and a half now... Some because of my touchy feelings on relationships. But mostly, because I'm an amazing person... Or I'm a true friend... or a loyal brother....
...but never a significant other.
-pauses a moment... bites his lip and thinks...-
Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for these people. Kelsa and Toby. Rock your engagement. Monica and Navy, you too. Hell, Kate and Ryan, enjoy life.. I'm sorry everyone hates Ryan... I don't.
...
I guess, I just want a day to shine. Is all.
Emo statement of the fuckin' year, Jesus Christ.
Someday... "Ride the spiral..."
It'll happen eventually.. "To the end..."
-shrugs- "May just go..."
Can't give up yet... "Where no-one's been..."
Just, gotta keep trying, I guess. "Spiral out..."
No, not guess. Know. "Keep."
I will. "Going..."
I've come this far, and I've gone this long. I'll pick myself up as I always do... "Spiral out..."
"Keep. Going...."
...
