deeva64's blog: "You know you wanna look!"

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn’t sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can’t believe that he’s seeing what he’s seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?” “I’m sorry to have disturbed you, sir,” she replies. “I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.” The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?” The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, “Pepper.”

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke , when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85 yr old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow". The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "well Doc, its like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then without her teeth, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?? The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open!

I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline.... but here in California we are also paying higher, up to $3.50 per gallon. But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon.. Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose , CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline. One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons. Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps. When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3)stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that a re created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some other liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money. One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoli ne evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount. Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the sto rage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is bein g stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom. Hope this will help you get the most value for your money. DO SHARE THESE TIPS WITH OTHERS! WHERE TO BUY USA GAS, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW. READ ON Gas rationing in the 80's worked even though we grumbled about it. It might even be good for us! The Saudis are boycotting American goods. We should return the favor. An interesting thought is to boycott their GAS. < SPAN style='FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial'> Every time you fill u p the car, you can avoid putting more money into the coffers of Saudi Arabia. Just buy from gas companies that don't import their oil from the Saudis. Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I fi ll-up the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to kill me, my family, and my friends. I thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies are the best to buy gas from and which major companies import Middle Eastern oil. These companies import Middle Eastern oil: Shell........................... 205,742,000 barrels Chevron/Texaco......... 144,332,000 barr els < /FONT> Exxon /Mobil............... 130,082,000 barrels Marathon/Speedway... 117,740,000 barrels Amoco............................62,231,000 barrels Citgo gas is from South America, from a Dict ator who hates Americans. If you do the math at $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18 BILLION! (oil is now $90 - $100 a barrel Here are some large companies that do not import Middle Eastern oil: Sunoco..................0 barrels Conoco..................0 barrels Sinclair.................0 barrels B P/Phillips............0 barrels Hess.......................0 barrels ARC0................. ...0 barrels If you go to Sunoco.com /sunoco.com/> , you will get a list of the station locations near you. All of this information is available from the Department of Energy and each is required to state where they get their oil and how much they are importing. But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers. It's really simple to do. Now, don't wimp out at this point.... keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!! I'm sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)...and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) .. and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers !!!!!!! If those three million get exc ited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it .... THREE HUND RED MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this! A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' T he little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit

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This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!! An Alberta couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Calgary and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email to a wrong person!! Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: January 17, 2008 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

When Fred first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Fred became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Fre d's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. 'How long will Fred be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously. 'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor. 'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?

I dont care who you are this is funny!!!!!! Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them. "I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here- you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

LOL Got you here didnt I!! A man boarded an airplane in St.John's Newfoundland , with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. Shortly before landing in Toronto, ON , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Newfoundland , please raise your hand?' Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn!