Deb's blog: "100% Jaded"

Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room? Have you ever wanted to scream at the top of your lungs? Have you ever decided just screw it all? Have you ever wanted to be honest, but didn't because you didn't want others to think that you were complaining? Have you ever felt like a stranger when with friends? Have you ever wanted someone, and felt as if that person thinks you're not worth anything? Have you ever just wanted to give up and stop trying but don't know how? Have you decided that if any one was nice to you, it would be out of guilt, not because they wanted to be? Have you felt as if you will always be alone? Have you felt as if you are just the means to an end and have decided to accept this and be done with it? Guess what...answer 'yes' to any of these and you would have spent a short amount in my life. And I'm jaded to the point that I will no longer fight this life. It's mine. Accept this and move on. I have.

Surrounded by walls of my own making Best to leave the fantasy that dies over and over While I am prisoner to what brings me pain Best to live inside the walls of my own creation Then allow them to be taken down again I have not learned the lesson five times taught Five times given The price the same Knowledge of that price still I allow those walls to fall Only to put them back up Once again scarred because of my own folly No matter how many times I say it will never happen again I take the walls down and slowly, brick by brick I put them back up Only to be lashed by reality as they are put back Where they belong Where they once stood It is my lot in life to live behind those walls Protected from the mistake that I make over and over I will never learn the lesson About pretty words and smiles And once again I bear wounds that no one can see Even if I wished them to I expect no change And shall be wary of any I am now a jade figure Living in this world Where others throw words around like toys I will never fall again My walls will have to be stronger this time Lest I foolishly take them down again

I see before me a path of emptiness and darkness There is no joy since what little light that there was died The one spark that made each step before Was killed without rhyme, reason or care Not by my hand But by the hand of another Therefore, without a look back to the past I continue down this path Any new light ignored and treated as if it is not there Any scream heard after the path is told shall be ignored Far too late for me to care The truth of that destruction is all I care about at this point Nothing else is there Left behind again Being left is all I am good for I am nothing more than the means to an end And I have accepted that I know the truth Once you've bowed You leave the crowd My heart has bowed Let it leave the crowd with some amount Of dignity Spare me any words, thoughts or attempts That will kill the dignity that I have left

Well... I am officially 100% jaded, I expect nothing from the existence but sooner or later to get screwed over by life. That screw job will come inn many forms. I'm not complaining. It happens to everyone, so why fight it? Just sit back and wait for it. Screw Jobs are like Death and Taxes. You hate 'em, but sooner or later, it happens. I've seen enough to know this. I'm not out to change anyone. I'm just saying what's on my ming. If you don't like it, that's your choice. If you disagree or agree, it's no skin off my back. It's something a long time in the making and there is no changing it for just as long a time. I have personal reasons behind it that are just that...personal. It has nothing to do with my 'state of mind'. It has to do with my state of 'being'. It's not aimed at anyone, it's what I think. I could care less what people think. Because there's no point in trying to fit in with the standards of others just to make them happy. If I had known what life had to offer sooner as far as my personal reasons, I'd be less jaded. Who knows, there might be three four letter words I might have been willing to admit are out there.