14035599's blog: "Acceptance"

  I really don't know what I expected, my life to be different than it has always been. That is not very realistic now is it? I'm who I am, there is not a great chance I'll make some giant life changing move in my life. Look, I've pretty much always been this way. I was this way before I even knew what being this way was. I've got a mixed blessing, sort of a blessing & curse all in one. I have the ability to attract women, to hold their interest(for a while) and even have some consider keeping me. Then comes the ugly truth, I simply cannot close the deal. I fall apart or run away, I'll go so far to sabotage a budding relationship I would quit high school & join the military(true story).

  But let us get back to my point. I am who I am. I know this, why would I want to be something/someone else? That is crazy, something my brain told me, brain gives me a lot of crazy thoughts(he's really not my friend). I probably would be better off thinking with a smaller organ men are oft times acussed of thinking with. There I go off topic again. For many years I didn't have to deal with this, my crazy brain that's not my friend, not being able to start nurture & keep a relationship. And do you know why? Because I accepted the facts as they were. I am who I am. I am going to be this way for only a few more short years, man up and accept it. That last sentence was a wee bit harsh, I am slowly getting back to accepting who & what I am. I know that my happiness lies right beyond my accepting what is(& what shall never be). I am what I am. I am who I need to be. Overall I have an outstanding life, there are plenty of people out there that are way worse off than me. I don't even have problems, with the exception of my lying brain(I've got to stop listening to it especially when I've already seen the facts & know the outcome). I believe what has caused this want inside me is that I have another birthday coming up, that I am headed for the autumn of my life. But please don't think I have a horrible life, I don't, I live with my eightyone year old Mother that I cook dinner for evey night I am not working. I live in a place that if it is not paradise itself, you can certainly see it from here. I work not because I have to, I work at something I love. So for my birthday this year I shall give myself something that I recieved twenty years ago, acceptance of myself, the way I am and what my life really is. I have far more living my life the way it is than any womans love could or would give me. All I have to do is accept these facts, as they are, for my happiness to be complete.

  WOW! I never knew how therapeutic a blog could be, now I see why people do this type of thing. I used to discount those who did this, nevermore. There might just be more of this sort of thing from me in the future. Not that I expect anyone of being interested in this other than myself. After all I only wrote this for me anyway. Sure hope it makes some kind of sense in case someone else does read it.