CryingFox's blog: "Blah..."

Well, Im back from having a slight problem...that of which being that I wouldnt stop bleeding from an accident I had. I came back to a rather hateful message on yahoo and all I can say is why the fuck is it always me!? seriously, you can care for someone, you can devote your life to them, but they be rude enough to do that? Well im sure in my last blog I mentioned amber and this and that...well said amber left me said hateful message, and thus put me in said mood to rant on about my personality and how her words only make her image degrade more right now. Well first, I want someone who loves me for ME, not what im supposed to do like work and sleep. Granted yea I do wanna work, but having ADHD is no easy disability and if you cant understand that then fuck off and leave me the beer cause I need no one lookin down at me. Second, I choose to sit here and play my computer cause if I DID get a job I wouldnt hold it for long considering my ADHD as the big factor, and the lack of things TO work for...I mean sure paying rent is important, and getting food is high priority, but I just dont wanna do that or something cause I drive on if I dont have a relationship, life aint worth shit to put money into. Third, as ive said, if you cant take who I am then piss off, cause flaming me will only result on you picking on a mentally ill person. Fourth, Yea im declared mentally ill, from depression, ADHD, suicide attempts, and in some cases anxiety disorder...panic when I feel rushed and make everything priority one when im not. Im messy, every guy is but im a tad messier but not as messy as danny, I do clean but thats only if im actually feeling motivated, which leans into a relationship, which I have no hopes of ever achieving... Sure I play video games, lots of people play video games, and guess what? they ACTUALLY have jobs for video game testers! ever thought of that? cause I have and never got a position yet... I am a gentleman, kind to women and protective over the weak in incapable people, As one of the excerpts of the code of chivilary goes: "Thou shalt always follow thy noble ambitions over the laws of the land." Basically that says youll always do what you think is good, no matter what anyone else tells you. "thou shalt always stride as the champion of the good and nice over the evil and injust" Im always on the good side no matter what it is. But quotes aside, yes I follow the code and I would seem to think that chivilary is a long lost code to this generation, which makes me a VERY rare pick. Now amber, you cant handle me then the next lady in line may try, but I assure you that not ONCE did I ever call off any relationship as well as the 2 we had in the past. If anyone in corpus christi is interested in me you can simply drop me a shout and I will give you better means of contacting me via yahoo or AIM.

Ok...the events over the past few months can EASILY be covered like this...here it goes. I got cheated outta my relationship with my wolf cause my "friend" was jealous that I had her and since he wanted to have something to fuck on the side cause his girlfriend wasnt doin it for him, he decided to lie to me and get my wolf. She left me, and went for some guy in austin, meanwhile, I was aggrivated up till a month or so later when I found out ALL said info above. Well now she doesnt want a relationship and is unsure of me cause of how it was handled which makes me hurt more cause not only did I loose my pride and joy a second time, BUT it was a "friend" that did it too...someone whom I have known for 14 of my 19 years of life. I got back into master sword:continued to help with my depression that resurfaced about the time I found my life hopeless in every aspect and tried to kill myself of asphixiation, and I have not stopped playing MSC yet. Today, I was supposed to spend time with the wolf but since some asses disconnected the phone, I never got the call, now she went off to go see some guy named josh which, yea guys out there know the feeling...I feel like just beating the shit out of my "friend" then killing myself to settle my nerves. Now...if anyone I know has kept up with my blogs, ive had a on and off depression with unsuccessful suicides and threats and shit like that, but I gurantee you I have tried before and either I aint doin it right or theirs just something keepin me here. I dont have a girlfriend anymore despite the fact that ive been trying to get with the wolf again...I have no job cause well...you know the story about how my ADHD is preventing me from holding one more than a month...I have no disability cause NO ONE will take me to get some of the stuff done that I need transportation for, no food stamps for the same reason too... Some nights....I dont sleep cause I think about death and fear that everything I know, everything I have, and everything I love will dissapear. I wish the wolf would come back to me...I was more stable with I was with her...I just cant do anything, or find any reason to continue with more than half of the stuff I am expected to do when im out of a relationship. Though I have gotten really patient with more stuff than usual, Every night I dream of the wolf, and every morning I shed a tear that she is not with me...each day is just another day, no bright sides at all cause I have nothing that can interact with me, that I can say "i love you" and actually get the same feeling back, nothing to care about and curl up with when either of us is having hardships in life... It is THAT which makes relationships dear to me, is that I can give comfort, and get it back...anything other than a relationship and no body gives a rats ass...why? cause they got their own problems and no matter how much I help them, they never seem to want to help me when I need it...so I live with all my issues bottled up. If the wolf IS reading this....amber please come back to me...im a wreck without you and I know it seams that I just rely on the relationship for motivation when in honesty, I just dont see a reason to do anything if im not happy and right now....im miserable...