Recently (ok, for most of my life) I have felt a little overwhelmed. I always want the people around me to be "happy". It's always been my thinking that if I help people they, in turn, would help me. "Help", though, I guess is something that is too loosely defined. Lately, I have been learning the hard way that I need to just "help myself".
Though, I just can't get over how rude that sounds (and seems as a principle). Am I too soft? Then again, as I look back on my younger days, I can think of a few times where my actions could be seen as selfish and rude. I may never have intended them to be such, but the fact that they could be interpreted as such just makes me feel guilty of some crime I never committed.
But recently a different thought comes to mind. Perhaps it's not simply whether or not I am being rude but instead a matter of me just trying to do everything at once. I have realized lately that I have a strong desire to see it all as quickly as possible. That desire is taking away from so many experiences. I need to forget; I need to experience and show that I go through things such as rage, pain, and sorrow instead of bottling them up. I can't always smile because the edges of my smile will start to become jagged. I can't always laugh because it will become nothing more then a hollow echo reverberating throughout my body. I can't always reset to square one, because once forced through the circle peg the square losses it's shape.
Maybe I am insane. Maybe I am just a little selfish. I need to be okay with that, otherwise I might end up not being okay in general. Thank you all and good night (a 9 am bed time...if you would've told me that as a kid...).
