Football Season
Football Season: North vs. South
Stadium Size
Up North:
College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down south:
High school football stadiums hold 20,000.
Fathers
Up North:
Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South:
Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
Up North:
Statues of Founding Fathers.
Down South:
Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.
Heroes
Up North:
Mario Cuomo.
Down South:
"Bear" Bryant.
Getting Tickets
Up North:
5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South:
5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game
Up North:
Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down South:
Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.
Tailgating
Up North:
Wieners on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South:
30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon
Getting To The Stadium
Up North:
You have to ask, "Where's the stadium?" When you find it you walk right in with no line.
Down South:
When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.
When The National Anthem Is Played
Up North:
Stands are less than half full.
Down South:
80,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
Commentary (Male)
Up North:
"Nice play."
Down South:
"Dammit you slow sumbitch -- tackle him and break his legs!!!"
Commentary (Female)
Up North:
"My, this is a violent sport."
Down South:
"Dammit you slow sumbitch -- tackle him and break his legs!!!"
