CJ's blog: "Funny"

Body: ~*SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR EMAILS*~ I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make These products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the Microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore , and Uzbekistan I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in The parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.. ...Have a wonderful day.... Oh, by the way..... A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late! Have a nice day!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple." The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you f*ckin crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after."

you know you were an 80's child if... Body: You wanted to be on Star Search. (Didn't we all?) You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off. Or even when he had those freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the video. You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth. You wore French rolls on the bottom of your splatter painted jeans. You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once. You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt. You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout." You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off." You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack." You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours. You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock. You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer." You'll always hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future." You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name." You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's movie she WASN'T in?) You know what "psych" means. You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants. You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.") You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince." You ever wore fluorescent—neon if you will—clothing... You could breakdance, or wished you could. You know who Max Headroom is. You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song. You remember when ATARI was a state-of-the-art video gaming system. You own any cassettes or albums. You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon. You remember and/or own any of the Care Bear glass collection from Pizza Hut. "Poltergeist" totally freaked you out. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. You wanted to communicate with Synergy, or you wanted green hair like that lead singer of the Misfits. See Jem. You inserted the word "like" into, like, every sentence. You know what a Doozer is. See Fraggle Rock. You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish. You ever had a Swatch Watch. You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare. You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman). You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny. You had Wonder Woman or Superman Underoos. You have worn a Banana Clip, or knew someone who did. You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie. You have heard of "Garbage Pail Kids" (and perhaps still have a collection of them). Extra point You have seen the Garbage Pail Kids TV show. (Only one episode was aired.) You had a crush on Bo Derek. Punks actually "shocked" people. You wanted to be The Hulk or Rainbow Brite for Halloween. You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!" You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye. You know what a "Whammy" is. ("No Whammy, no whammy, stop!") Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away. Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day. 3 words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar? You remember the days that hooking your computer into your TV wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer! You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV. You ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels"—that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market. You're PO'd that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about. While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was. You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time). You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "When I was younger" "When I was your age" "You know, back when..." "Because I SAID so, that's why" "What the HECK is this noise on the radio?" "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to" You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video. At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm. "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna. There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter." You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons. You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete. You've gotten this far on the list and aren't totally confused. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter. You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake You're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for. Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting." You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay? You're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" spiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married. You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon. When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end. You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there." You're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway. You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did. You thought eating Reese's Pieces would attract your own Alien. Your name is Jennifer or Jason. You have ever called 867-5309. You had a poster of Rob Lowe, Kirk Cameron, or Michael J. Fox on your wall. You held the top score on Pac-Man. You owned a t-shirt that said, "I shot J.R." or know someone who did. This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me." You HAD to have your MTV You know what a "burnout" is. You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool. You remember when Madonna was just hitting the scene. You remember the original version of Windows: Macintosh. You thought "Weird Science" was a masterpiece. You remember any or all of the following: Echo & the Bunnymen, Cutting Crew, Scritti Politti, or Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark. Chevy Chase was really funny in those vacation movies. You actually know who Rick Springfield is You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON. You jammed to the Miami Vice theme and thought Jan Hammer was cool. Guys: You remember when a guy piercing his ear was radical to the max, but did it anyhow

9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.. Let's see now. . . No Jesus No Christmas No television No cheerleaders No baseball No football No hockey No golf No tailgate parties No Wal-Mart No Home Depot No pork BBQ No hot dogs No burgers No chocolate chip cookies No lobster No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks No gumbo No jambalaya No Beer Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here?