>
> GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
> used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
> graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other
> people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version
> of looting.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
> Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what
> the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to
> you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked
> that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
> less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
>
>
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
> sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
> better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
>
>
>
> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
> collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are
> keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of
> men.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
> Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them?
> Okay, we're done.
>
>
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored
> water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water,
> but
> without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
> drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
> melt. That's your flavored water.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target
> is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
> label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures
> out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
> Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
>
>
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
> order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a
> "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
> gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and
> one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.
>
>
>
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I
> look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
> verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and
> pressing
> "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
> there eating my Almond Joy.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack
> of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
> you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
> pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
> one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of
> Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table
> was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh
> wait.
> They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
>
>
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If
> I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
>
>
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
> movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give
> everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the
> other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television
> show
> in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>
>
>
> New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
> bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel
> and
> a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
> he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
> want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
>
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
> don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not
> a
> cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
>
>
>
> New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible
> adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's
> sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then
> plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
>
>
>
