JuSsCuZzZ504's blog: "GØTTÅ RëÅЧ"

He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn 't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him.... Like his mother used to do.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

*Dear Civilians, ' We know that the Current state of affairs in our great nation has many Civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you Can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we Would like your assistance:* 1. The next time you see any adults Talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass. 2. When you witness, firsthand, Someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick their Ass. 3. Regardless of the rank they held While they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all Veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull Them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the Very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many Sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their Ass. 4. (GUYS) If you were never in the Military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress Uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you Used to be ' Special Forces. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might Have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will Only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked. 5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, ' Do you fly a jet? ' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an Ass-kicking (children are exempt). 6.If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* ' non-military ' , inform them of Their mistake - and kick their ass. 7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) Passes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay Homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly Thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be Carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those Could earn you a severe ass-kicking. 8. Don't try to discuss politics With a military member or veteran. We are Americans, and we All bleed the same. Regardless of political party. We have no inside track on What happens inside those big important buildings where all Those representatives meet. All we know is that when those Civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call Upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep Asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get Your ass kicked. 9. ' Your mama wears combat boots ' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she did, She would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your Ass! 10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying ' Let ' S go kill those Commies! ' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard issue In the military. That reminds me - if you see anyone calling Those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go Kick their ass! 11. ' Flyboy ' (*Air Force*), ' Jarhead ' (*Marines),* ' Grunt ' (*Army*), ' Squid ' (*Navy*), ' Puddle Jumpers ' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use Describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, You have not earned the right to use them. Using them could Get your ass kicked. 12. Last, but not least, whether or Not you become a member of the military, support our troops And their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday That you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that There are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines And airmen far from home wishing; they could be with their Families.. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices They make every day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.. ' It's the Veteran, not the Reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. ' ' It's the Veteran, not the Poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. ' ' It's the Veteran, not the Community organizer, who gives us the freedom to Demonstrate. ' It's the Military who Salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose Coffin is draped by the flag, ' * AND ONE MORE:: 13. If you ever see anyone either Standing for or singing the national anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS. ONE LAST THING: If you got this email and didn't Pass it on - guess what - you deserve to get your ass Kicked!!!! I sent this to you, because I Didn't want to get my ass kicked.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are (purportedly) things people actually said in court, word for word, taken Down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of Staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Hard to believe some of these? -? But they are pretty? Funny. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his Sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a New attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _________ ____________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead People? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? _____________ _________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you Began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah) Reply to: pers-982078099@craigslist.org [?] I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, he? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your hea d, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well. So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace! Alex

Paul Harvey says: This is the United States of America , a country founded on Christian principles. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations. Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying. God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me. The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we tell that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority doesn't care what they want. It is time that the majority rules! It's time we tell them, You don't have to pray; you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right; but you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back, and we WILL WIN! God bless us one and all ... Especially those who worship Him , God bless America, despite all her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all. Let's make 2009 the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions .. And our military forces come home from all the wars. Keep looking up.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. The ten men drank in the bar every day and Seemed quite happy with the arrangement, Until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers, he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80." The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings). Each of the six was better off than before And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. 'I only got a dollar out of the $20', declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!' 'Yeah, that's right', exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!' 'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!' The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, So the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, They discovered something important. They didn't have enough money, Between all of them, For even half of the bill! And that, boys and girls , journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, And they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier. For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible. Author - David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics, University of Georgia Occasion already passed!

Women will understand this! Men should memorize it! Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other! 13 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3.. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweat pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite one : 13. Potential Murder Suspect