AN OPEN LETTER TO:
>
> Mr. JAMES THATCHER
>
> BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE CORPORATION
>
> Dear Mr. Thatcher,
>
> I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
>appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
>Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
>dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
>tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
>Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
>crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
>secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
>
> Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
>"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
>starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
>surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust
>and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred
>hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
>
> As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
>quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
>monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
>puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
>crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough
>time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the
>violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill
>just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken
>chimps. Crazy!
>
> The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
>crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the
>reason for my letter.
>
> Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
>inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
>there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
>
> "Have a Happy Period."
>
> Are you @%ing <mailto:@%25ing> kidding me? What I mean is, does any
>part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual
>smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did
>anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it,
>James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will
>never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up
>on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
>march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
>plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your
>head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
>wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,
>like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you
>just picking on us?
>
> Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
>there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
>maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
>Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
>crap. And that's a promise I will keep.
>
