After losing my first baby,Kevin.and no longer looking pregnant,I dreaded the day that I wouldfirst be asked this question,becauseI didn't know how to answer it.But then,it seemed like months passed without anyone actually asking me,and so I began to become irritated that I hadn't been asked-I felt as if I was being denied the opportunity to affirm Kevin's existance by mentioning him in a response to the question.
Eventually.of course,I was asked,and although I do not remeber now what my response was,I know that I made it through the conversation without breaking down.Over time,I developed various responses to the question that I use depending on the situation.If,for example,I am in a situation that does not seem to allow for mentioning KevinO(or my little one I miscarried in 2004)Such as prehaps when I am making small talk with new people,whose trying to get to know me.I will say something like I have four children two in heaven and two on earth.This response feels ok to me.This way,I am letting people know that I have two non-living children,and if the person wants to follow up,he or she can do so(Most people,of course,get sort of confused or stricken look,back off the subject!)
If I do end up responding to the question in a way that leaves me feeling bad about not mentioning my babies in Heaven,I remind myself that my babies know how very much I love them and miss them,and allow myself to feel forgiving and understood by them.As with so many other aspects of dealing with life marching forward despite my losses,I have found that it is not helpful to berate myself or add feelings of guilt on top of the sadness that ifeel about not having all my babies here.
Now that several years has passed since my first loss,the thing that bothers me the most about the question is not that I have to figure out ineach situation how I will respond,but rather when someone(especially someone who knows about Kevin and the miscarriage) takes it upon him/her to answer the question for me,and invariably mentions only my living children.No matter how well-meaning the person may have been,I should be the one to decide how to answer the question and whether i want to mention my babies in Heaven,not someone else!When this happens,I usually take the opportunity to correct the response.
