Over 16,547,877 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over the big-brute engines, I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country I am called a Princess, I take orders from no one."
"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I am called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put up the tray, bitch!"
The Irish are a very perverse, complex people. It's what makes them so loveable.
They are banking so heavily that God has the same sense of humor.
Sharon lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sharon says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties; he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there. . . . I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with the black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?" Uh-uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." The town council loved it, and finally everybody was happy.
- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
- The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...
...and then the trouble started.
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A frog walks into a bank and asks the teller, "Who do I talk to about getting a loan?" The teller shows him to the office of the loans manager, Ms. Patricia Black.
"I would like a loan for $20.00 to buy a new lily pad," the frog tells her.
"Do you have any collateral?" asks Ms. Black.
The frog produces a small statuette of the Eiffel Tower with the inscription "Souvenir of Paris" engraved on the base. Unsure whether or not the object is worth the amount of the loan, she summons the bank manager.
The manager inspects the trinket, nods his head, and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black - give the frog a loan."
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Tootsie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!
The teacher sat down and cried ...
This is a spoof of the reality show "Blind Date"
Blind Date With A Crack Whore| Recent Quips from Late Night |
|
"These activist judges are at it again. The New Jersey Supreme Court says homosexuals actually have the same civil rights as straight people, which means they can marry. See, this is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats want gays to get married. Republicans know congressmen need to be able to play the field." --Bill Maher "Insiders are now saying that Hillary Clinton has had millions and millions of plastic surgery. They say she's so good-looking that actually, earlier today, her husband hit on her." --David Letterman "Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys!." --Amy Poehler "According to the Census Bureau, earlier this month, the country's population hit 300 million. And Al Gore is blaming it on 'global humping.'" --David Letterman "Many say that London has replaced New York City as the world's undisputed financial capital. Hear that terrorists? The world's undisputed financial capital is London." --Seth Meyers "President Bush has authorized the building of a 700-mile fence. A 700-mile fence they're going to build between the United States and Mexico. And, he says ... he knows where we can get some cheap labor to build it. ... That's a pretty long fence. I'm thinking to myself, 'I just hope there's a way Halliburton can make some money off of this deal. It would be nice to throw something their way for a change." --David Letterman |
| Things to Do to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner |
|
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake. 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more. 3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV. 4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. 5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
|
| Dark Sucker |
|
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker. |
| For The Kids... |
|
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don't worry it's just a chain reaction! Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee Buzz off can't you see I'm busy? Doctor these pills you gave me for BO... What's wrong with them? They keep slipping out from under my arms! Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee. Well buzz off I'm busy! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito Go away, sucker! |
