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Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband "in the mood" at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Nellie!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole."
TAX LAWS FOR 2007
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the PENIS. This is due to the
fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 13% of the time it is
pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
* Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
* Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
* Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
Effective January 23, 2007 penises will be taxed according to size. The
brackets are as follows:
10"- 12" Luxury Tax
8" - 9" Pole Tax
6" - 7" Privilege Tax
4" - 5" Nuisance Tax
Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
" I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.
"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
How do you start an insect race?
One, two, flea - go!
How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!
What is a flea's favorite book?
The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon!
