I haven’t written a lot of anything lately. I need to return many emails, I haven’t been blogging and the few e-mails I have sent it seems that cyberspace has eaten and are lost in the void.
So if I haven’t written to you lately I will, If I’ve sent you something and you didn’t get it I’m sorry, If you have been wondering about what is going on in my life and why I haven’t been around that is my fault and my choice.
I’m not trying to avoid anyone or anything for that matter. I have been searching and trying to make sense of so many things in my life and juggling a lot of chaos. No I don’t think my life is so bad most of the time.
There are things I wish I could change, things I wish were different, things I wish I knew the answer too and some things I’m just trying to come to terms with and except them for what they are in the world. I’m just trying to find my place in the universe.
Perhaps that is a pretty tall order. Trying to find yourself in something so vast as the universe. As Douglas Adams wrote in one of his novels and I’ll paraphrase, the universe is so vast, so big in deed that if you took the size of the universe and the number of living things in the universe and compared the two numbers size verses the number living things the population of the universe would be zero. That is how large the universe is, pretty scary. We live in a place so big that our existence is nothing. And not just me, all living things.
So if all living things amount to nothing in the universe what does one person amount too in something so big.
I would suggest that if you take any anti-depression medication not to ponder on that thought for too long or those little happy pills may seem to be a lot less helpful after a bit.
Ponder away though I have. What does it all mean and why. Where is my place in it all.
Hell for that matter on a much smaller scale. What does it all mean just to me and those closest too me.
I wonder about that and get so few answers. I see them sometimes in smiles and in a few words.
However mostly I don’t see that in the faces most important too me.
I think too about love and what it all means. But it’s more and if you are reading this, most likely it’s not about you. If by chance the one person who I worry about most is reading this … there is so much more that I want to be able to say to you but somehow all those doors are closing.
Some of them are supposed to be closed now and I know that. However there should still be a door to walk threw now and then. Somewhere we can still talk.
Somehow to reach out and say the things that are there but are unsaid.
If you are reading, but I know you aren’t. I spend more time thinking about you than anyone or anything else in the world right now. You mean so much more to me than I think you ever will understand. And perhaps one day you will or at least that is my hope.
I fear that you are lost on your journey and while there are parts of that I can’t help you with there are still many more miles that I can be there to say left instead of right. Or push instead of pull. Or just stop for a second and listen to the wind.
Love doesn’t just happen, it isn’t a magic spell, or a wish we make. It is the hardest thing in the universe to build. It takes trust, respect, listening and conversation. It needs to be worked on every day. Some days it only needs a light dusting other days major repairs and renovations. However it is fragile too and while it breaks it never really dies and that is the worst part about love. True love anyway, that it never dies. Unconditional love even if unreturned never dies but it does cause pain.
Because love needs to be coupled with other people and without it turns to shards which cut and gash. But never dies. Sorrow is the opposite of love not hate. Loss and emptiness not bitterness and jealousy. Those are others emotions unrelated to love
I wish I knew more about it though what I do know is that it can’t be bought in a store, or paid for no matter how much you offer.
You do have to work for it though
It can’t be measured in carats, or dollar signs or in the number of things
Funny how love can make you seem lighter than air one minute and heavier than lead the next
Strong or weak.
Beautiful or ugly
Wanted or unwanted
Needed or useless.
Found or lost
I keep looking for that open door and hope that you know no matter how far or long There is always love here for you.
