raggety ann's blog: "Independance Day"

As I said in my last entry change is a good thing.....but it is also a very difficult one. Sometimes I feel that not everyone understands that. Most people feel like I should be able to just snap my fingers and move on with my life. IT IS NOT THAT SIMPLE. So I am going to lay it out in the open one last time for everyone to undertand, you will either get it or you wont, nothing more to say. I am 23 years old and I was in a very long and drawn out relationship for seven years. (That means I was 16 when we got together) I had never been on my own. I had never had to try to support myself, let alone try to support myself and a child. I had never known what it is like to live alone and sleep in an empty bed. But I do now. And it is hard. And yes I am scared, and yes I am sad, and confused, and sometimes angry. Because i do not know what I am doing from day to day. I am living in the momemt trying to make it for my son. And it is going to take me awhile to adjust. Like a good friend of mine said "It may take me weeks or even months, or I may wake up tomarrow and wonder what the hell I'm trippin over!" And no that doesn't mean I'm going to take him back or that I am even thinking about him. That just means I am frustrated in the moment because I don't know what I am doing. But I will make it eventually. I'm just dealing with the change........

Most people say change is good, and in this case they are right. Seven years in a bad relationship. Seven years on fighting, yelling, and name calling. Seven years of his put-downs, alcohol abuse, and of him degrating me every chance he had. Seven years of wondering when he was gonna snap and hit me, or get drunk and not come home. (he did alot of not coming home.) I remember the night he stayed out untill 5 o'clock in the morning drinking with his best friend and then he slept our son's 3rd birthday away. I think that was the saddest day of my life. To have my 3 year old ask where his daddy is as we celebrate his special day. That was 2 years ago. And i asked myself, "Why do I stay?" But I know why.....it's called LOVE. Because I love him............ Well NO MORE! Seven Years! Seven years is what it took me to wake up and see the light. I guess that is why they call it "Lucky number 7!" And it is kind of ironic too, if you think about it because I left him on the 4th of July. I found my independance on Independance Day.