angel's blog: "is it real or is it memorex"

i shut myself away a long time ago took the heart out of the show there was no humor in me just a devil you couldnt see i was raised in hell leaving a crumpled shell i chose nothing over pain letting my soul drain i was nothing i am something i was a demon now im human i dont know whatll happen between us i dont know if well ever be more but theres one thing i dont store i cant hide my feelings or lust i thank you for that my friend because in the end i never thought id feel again

i feel so alone heartbroken and unknown i sit and wonder as my hearts torn asunder am i worth love? or am i just another dove flying through the world as noticed as a flag unfurled i work to much drink to much smoke to much feel to much i cant watch someone in pain but from violence i cant abstain let me take the worlds pain let me take your pain im so tired of everyones hurt i just was sleeping in the dirt i cant help no matter how hard i try for every failure my soul will die let me feel no more let me feel it all let me die away i dont wanna live no more i may be a bastard i may be an asshole i may be a dick but im not a coward

ok time to tell you how i became the inferno and i guess i also gotta say why i got the name. when i was about six years old, i had a lot of issues then,my dad nicknamed me inferno because i took our family dog doused him in gasoline and took a match and watched him go poof.my dad walked outside just as i set the dog on fire,its pitable squeel were rather loud. i watched my dad coming at me his hand on his gun,screaming at me to put the dog out.i remember the tears flowing into my dad's course beard. i dont want to write the rest but i guess i have to cant stop in the middle of the story and leave all my adoring fans wondering what happened. so as i stood there and watched my dog die, dear old dad grabbed me by the hair and hurled me into the toolshed. i hit the wall and slammed into the earth beneath it biting a chunk out of my tongue. i screamed at my dad til he put the gun against my head. i didnt know what to do as dad pulled his cell out of his pocket and called dr. drake. "drake drake answer your fucking phone cmon answer you fucking retard answer your phone. hey drake we need to talk." "he killed a dog shit motherfucker sat and watched odin burn to death. i dont know what to do." "i cant do that doc i cant do it right now. hes to young i cant just shoot him." "fine ill do it ill do it but if your son does this dont be spouting shit about how hes a good boy and shit he will die just like mine." thats where father dearest grabbed me by the hair and tossed me a couple yards toward the forest. "boy get to the training area we will talk then." i ran hell i didnt know what else to do. i wasnt sure why i was in trouble for killing odin he was in severe pain and dying maybe i should have stolen one of dads guns but i was afraid of doing it. i reached the training area as it started to rain. i huddled in the pouring rain waiting for dad. he came bout fifteen minutes later with a raincoat on. i ran up to him and hugged onto his legs only to have him kick me off throwing me face first in the mud.i pushed myself off and started edging towards the end of the clearing. my dad ran up to me and tossed me against a tree while i heard my ribs crack father was still crying. i stood up knowing i was gonna die but at least id die standing on my own two feet. dad walks up close to me and puts the gun against my forehead. "boy please dont make me do this i love you with all my heart and soul but i cant let you become a monster. you wont understand for awhile boy but if you dont behave yourself i will have to kill you. do you understand boy?" i nodded letting him know i was in full understanding. he came up and hugged me. we cried for a min then daddy took me out for ice cream and when i went to the bathroom i torched a kitty in the alley. i laughed at its squeals til it died glad daddy didnt hear.

i guess its time to go into full disclosure mode and tell you about my life before i became the dragon. im sitting in this little shithole hotel thats got a five star rating waiting for edmond gonzales to return from his funeral. again i ramble fuck i never used to ramble. anyways back to my lifes story. i was your average kid until i was 12,my father was never home and my mom was slowly drinking herself to death(ha father she was right you would be the death of her.)When i was twelve father started injecting me with a tar-like substance called it my vitamins but i should never tell my mother. it went like this for years my father would come home and id get my vitamins whether or not i was asleep. if i was asleep it would always end up with me having nightmares about little demons running in my body tearing apart my soul. so just after my seventeenth birthday im lying in bed awake waiting for father to come home when i hear the door open. they argue for a minute which was unusual i havent heard them speak in a few weeks. im lying there waiting for the screaming to end when i hear a gunshot from downstairs cant quite pick out the gun but its big. i rush from my room only stopping to pick up the desert eagle .45 from the nightstand by the door and turn the corner to see father dearest covered in the top half of mothers missing head. i watched as a peice of brain matter fell from his hair and landed on his shoe. dont you hate how the worst part of memories will never leave you. he was holding a shotgun and turning it towards me. i did as i always said i did, i survived. i put two bullets in his chest but the first went straight through his forehead out the back splattering our front door with his skull. god i can still taste his blood in my mouth.i didnt know what to do so i did what dad always told me to do if he called me or something happened to him. i grabbed the rainy day fund,fathers hard drive, and all the ammunition we had for my de. i jumped on the harley my dad got me when he heard about my scholarship to harvard for my physics paper on string theory. i ran left san fernando valley behind and laid low at some shitty little whores motel. thats when i found out about jack blaze my brother, myself.

well i'll tell you why im writing this in the hopes that you understand i did not want to become a killer but that i was born one. yeah yeah i hear you fucked up psychologists and other medical professionals "you can't be born a killer you can either transform yourself into a killer or be changed into a killer but you've always got a choice."choice is such a fucked up word dont you think? i never chose to be born a super human, i never chose to be my father and i am literally my father(clone). well first things first i guess i tell you who i am and quit rambling so i can get on with the show.the names jake drake or if your of the illegit segment of our fucked up nation then you fear me as the dragon. im writing this to tell my story because soon i will meet my good friend jack blaze or as i call him inferno. when we meet, one of us will die but were not sure which. the names jack blaze or as my beloved twin calls me the inferno. i sat down today and decided to write this because one of us will die soon. honestly id rather it be me,i cant even think of a world without jake in it. we have met but a few times and always we fight over our beliefs. he feels because we were made super human that we are above human laws but i know that because of what we are, we are that much more dependent on humanity because without them we would eventually be nothing but primal minds with superhuman powers. i dont want to suffer that but i also dont want drake to suffer either. its funny you know i grew up going from base to base always the cocky popular guy but when shit hits the fan i turn into a worrier.either way its coming soon the time of death, the time of sorrow.

im so hollow inside it like my soul just died all i do is smile and lie when all i want to do is cry i hold my head up when all i want is my life's blood in a cup i swallow my hatred knowing theres no place its the only thing i can do to save face im hollow again is it because of all my sins am i some demon given form like lightning from a storm i watch all these happy people i watch all these sad people i watch all the people i hate that im not one i wake up from my nightmares of hell i feel nothing i wake up from my life i want nothing i wake up from this world i am nothing this is slowly going out of control its all i can do to get out of my hole theres a void inside me something only i can see i hide inside myself because i dont have a heart anymore its stuck on a shelf where i left my souls core im so terrified i cant help myself i can only help others to fill the void i can only try to help everyone in the hopes that i will help myself

i fought you when we first met i broke your ribs and blacked your eye yet even though blood was let you called me father and it wasnt a lie i found you an orphan in trouble it seemed i was seeing double i saw in you everything i was even running from the fuzz you held me up so high knowing id fail you in the end i held you so close not wanting you to die but death will never bend you were the first person to show me i was human you showed me what it was to be a man and ive failed you again my friend so i hope you get the prayers i send i held your daughter when she was born i watched as your girls heart was torn i helped you mend your family but in the end its nothing but calamity ive done everything i could for you more than your real father would do i whored myself for your hearth and watched your babies birth i can never give you enough for what youve given me youve showed me even though life is tough i dont always have to be i have one last thing to say before i end this rotten day even though you arent truly my son in my heart of hearts you are my only one

you are my angel of grace helping me save face you are my angel of light lifting me above my plight i watched you breath your first knowing how much it would hurt hoping my heart wouldnt burst feeling it beat through my shirt i stared into your blue eyes watching my salvation knowing it was only a lie becuase ive welcomed my damnnation you came into my life just when i needed you i was filled with such strife there was nothing i could do now i feel you leaving me and i wont even get to say goodbye my heart can never be what it used to be after i feel you die no matter what happens my dear youll never have to fear ill hold you in my arms to serenade even when your death will hit me like a grenade all i want to say is youve been here so short yet youve filled me with a love ive never had you cant read this and possibly never will but i love you my nonbiological granddaughter my goddaughter and my saving angel

i see you in the doorway standing so beautifully i never knew what to say i never knew what to do you haunted me eternally hiding every mistake i made making me feel so infernally i could never do right by you you would stare at me with your ice eyes every moment a death would occur never telling me when its my turn to die hiding myself from yoursoulfull gaze what do you want from me what is it i hide what is it that you see that makes you stare so hard all i wish is you would hide from me making it so i could never see the day that i would die for this i wish youd lie hide from me my dear love hide from me your dead gaze hide me away from my future and all those lonely days

ive lost everything i hold dear lost on a highway with a car i cant steer heavens lost in the fog and the devils after me like a dog these haunting memories come crashing back who was i what was i did i do that every thought a knife slashing down killing me without a sound i used to be just another selfless cow waiting for another king to bow not knowing the devil has a crown but his tables never gonna be round heaven floats by an impossible insecurity waiting till i fail in my own calamity gods a kid with a magnifying glass just waiting til i fry his ass with all thats been said and done the gods leave us just one a question so inane and inconsequential have you got your voicemail yet?