Jenny Gloom Resident FuBAT Sinful Kittie's blog: "Jenny Says..."

"Giving up on something that no longer serves a purpose, or protects you, or helps you, isn't giving up, it's growing up." Incubus Dreams - Laurell K. Hamilton There's so much in/about my life that I'm unhappy with. Sometimes I can't see how to break free, but when I read a statement like that, it's easier to identify just what needs changing, and what needs to be thrown out altogether. Even if I don't always know HOW, at least I can see where the problem lies. And then there's Lindy. *sighs* She's perfectly able-bodied, but refuses to work, instead she's living off the disability she gets for her sons' ADD. I watch her sit around, talking about building her dream house, working her dream job, having all this nice stuff... but she does NOTHING to get there, and she's always scrounging for change from her friends & family. It's her business, I know, but how can she be stuck in a rut and HAPPY there? I'm RAGING to get out! I'm annoyed by people who are not living up to their potential, and don't even try even though they have the skills. Like when they talk about having big dreams, and yet they sit on their ass & what, hope it will land in their lap? *deep sigh* Why is it that some people are contented to not work, live off others, stay on this crappy street/in this crappy town? I have big dreams, and am held back by my disabilities. I want to go get a real job, make real money, and provide an awesome life for my kid. But I can't, you see, because even leaving behind my mental issues, I have major physical obstacles. I can't be on my feet for more than an hour at a time. Or sit for very long without my hips aching & my back cramping up. I have to lay down a lot, and you can't do that on the job. I have tried everything, and that's just how it is: I have special employment needs, so I'm self-employed. That pays the bills, but it doesn't make it possible to have any extra or save to move. We're well below the poverty line (less than $600 a month), and barely making it. I'm not ashamed to admit that because I know I'm doing my VERY best. Look, I'm not having a pity party here... Well, maybe I am. I'm just jealous of those that don't live with pain. You don't know how easy you have it. I'm sorry if this pisses anyone off, especially if you are currently getting help from the state or something. I've been there (and I still rent my house as low-income property). It's a necessary thing sometimes. *nods* But if you are just lazy, shame on you. I'd KILL to be able to work and support myself in a style I'd quickly become accustomed to. -Jenny

Maybe it's time to stop this and admit... It's just not going to happen for me. <3 broken Jenny

My friend, Lindy, and I have been close for some time. She lives on my street, and we see each other nearly everyday. She has a vehicle, and I keep it gassed up, and we run errands, shop, etc. Our views differ on a great many things, but we've gotten along just fine... Now, she's driving me crazy. She's very negative, and judgemental, and I'm really not wanting to spend time with her. Tonight, I went over to return a movie, and was telling her how much I'd like a husband. She instantly started up on how much trouble men are, and how the stress would be doubled, and that getting married is stupid. She's divorced, and anti-relationship, and doesn't even have interest in sex anymore, and that's fine... But why does she have to be so negative about ME wanting it? She admits she's never been in love, but it feels like she doesn't even believe it exists. And I don't see a man as a liability; I LIKE guys. I want a partner, a lover, a best friend, a deep emotional bond built on mutual trust & respect (and great sex!). An agreement that no matter what, we're terribly pleased to share this world with the other person. So, he'll have faults, but I'm not Miss Mary Sunshine all the time, and with my health issues, knowing someone else can back me up on finances, housework, and emotional stability would be a MIGHTY fine thing. But all she sees is the bad. If it was JUST this, I think I could ignore it, but she's been so opinionated about EVERYTHING: weight, religion, parenting, illnesses (both mental & physical), even the holidays. She's driving me away. She's done so much for me, and I love her so much, but I don't want her around right now... She's really making my life toxic. :(

I think about you. *winks*

So, after some thinking, as well as advice from my loving Kittie friends (male AND female), I should be moving on. I feel like a stalker and that's just wrong, because I thought we had a mutual thing going on. He doesn't want to see me on cam, and he rarely answers my IMs. When he DOES talk to me, he's extremely sweet, but then he says brb, and doesn't come back. I read what someone else mummed and it hit me finally. It's like that book... "He's Just Not That Into You". If he was, he'd still be acting like it. It sucks, but it's true. No matter how busy a guy (or girl) is, he can always find the time to show he cares. Look, he's not a bad guy (he's actually really sweet & romantic), and I'm not trying to demonize him... but if he doesn't want me, why am I still trying? :( That's all. -Jenny Gloom

Yeah, I admit it... I'm looking for love. And online or not, since this IS a bar, so it's probably not the best place. But I guess I figure that if I put myself out there, maybe the right guy will come along? So, now I have to ask, since you're here reading this... Are YOU the right guy? Are you interested in finding out? I'm eagerly accepting applications (and I might actually write one up *smiles*), 'cuz you never know, right? XOXOX -Jenny