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MONDAY'S JOKES
Half
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
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Neck in Sand
What do you call Osama bin Laden buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Saved
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Clinton's Worst Day
The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks." Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."
"Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting''s the first lady's."
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Abortion Bill
Gary Condit looks up from his desk to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the Congressman.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. Condit. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the Congressman.
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Presidential Meeting
George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.
Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."
The little man says, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKE
George and Condi Conversation
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now what are you asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's whose name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Gateway?
A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.
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Social Security
What did one duck say to the other?
What?
"Social Security!"
I don't get it.
You won't till you're 90...
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Truthful White House
What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A tourist.
MONDAY'S JOKES
Osama and Bars
Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars?
Because they can get bombed at home.
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Diapers
How are politicians like diapers?
You have to change them both often, and for the same reason.
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TUESDAY'S JOKE
Famous Middle East Shows
"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
"The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
M*U*S*T*A*S*H
"Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
"When Kurds Attack"
"Just Shoot Me"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Diagnosis Heresy"
"Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
"Captured Iranian Soldiers Scream the Darndest Things"
"Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah"
"Totally Clothed Baywatch"
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WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Hungry President
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
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THURSDAY'S JOKE
Bush on a Plane
Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.
George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then John Adams says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane.
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FRIDAY'S JOKE
Presidential Advice
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.
Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of F. D. R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists.
Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Bush pleads.
Abe replies, "My advice is, do something relaxing. Go see a play!"
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SATURDAY'S JOKE
Getting the Job Done
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
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SUNDAY'S JOKES
Actual Police Quotes
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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Eyes
A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.
The little boy said, "Republicans."
The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"
A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"
The boy said, "Democracts"
Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"
The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."
MONDAY'S JOKE
Bush, Cheney, Buck
Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter.
"Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion... it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!"
"Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! We're gettin' farther away from our truck!"
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TUESDAY'S JOKE
All Politicians
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, All politicians are *ssholes.
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, I take offense to that!
The pissed-off guy asks him, Why? Are you a politician?
No," he replies, "I'm an *sshole.
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WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
A Setback
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
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THURSDAY'S JOKE
Looking for Work
A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."
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FRIDAY'S JOKE
State Slogans
Alabama:At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:As Seen on TV
Colorado:If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:Without Atlanta we're Alabama
Hawaii:Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana:We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:We're Really Cold,But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan:First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire:Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:You Want a ##$%##! Motto?I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma:Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
South Dakota:Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:The Educashun State
Texas:A Whole 'Nother Country!
Utah:Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:Yep
Virginia:Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming:Wynot?
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SATURDAY'S JOKE
Clinton's Clock
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.
"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
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SUNDAY'S JOKES
Irish Wake
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.
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Presidents and the Titanic
Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''
George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''
And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''
THURSDAY'S JOKE
First Class
A blonde sitting in economy class on a flight going to Chicago suddenly stands up and sits down in a seat in first class.
A flight attendant watching her goes over to her and says, "Excuse me miss, you can't sit here. You paid for an economy ticket.
" The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here until we get to Chicago."
The flight attendant tries to tell her to go sit back in economy class, but the blonde repeats the phrase over and over, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here until we get to Chicago." Then, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and asks the pilot and co-pilot if they can help her with the blonde.
The pilot agrees, and to his disappointment the same thing happens again.
Then, the co-pilot says, "Wait, did you say she's blonde? I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde. Let me try." So he goes to first class, whispers in the blonde's ear, and she quickly apologizes and sits back in economy again.
The flight attendant and the pilot are amazed and ask him how he did it.
The co-pilot replies, "I told her that first class wasn't going to Chicago."
************************************************************************************ FRIDAY'S JOKE
Drivers Licence
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
************************************************************************************ SATURDAY'S JOKES
The Clintons
Q:Why did Senator Hillary Clinton decide to run for office?
A:She'd already been President for 8 years.
________________________________________________________________________ Q: What will history remember Bill Clinton as?
A: The President after Bush!
************************************************************************************ SUNDAY'S JOKES
Bush or Kerry
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush supporters.
Not really knowing what a Bush supporter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush supporter."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush supporter?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry supporter.
" The teacher asks why he's a Kerry supporter.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry supporter, and my Dad's a Kerry supporter, so I'm a Kerry supporter!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush supporter."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fancy
What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?
Mr. President.
************************************************************************************ MONDAY'S JOKE
All over the world
In America, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your children are?
In England, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your husband is?
In Paris, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your wife is?
And in Poland, they say it's 10:00 do you know what time it is?
************************************************************************************ TUESDAY'S JOKE
Money
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!" ************************************************************************************ WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Fooling Computers
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better." *********************************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. *********************************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Matzo
One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.
They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup.
The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.
After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"
*********************************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKE
Brazil
The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"
His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
************************************************************************************ SUNDAY'S JOKES
Bin Laden and Fred
What do bin Laden and Fred Flintstone have in common?
They both look out of their caves and see Rubble.
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What Happened?
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
MONDAY'S JOKE
Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!! ****************************************************************************************************
TUESDAY'S JOKE
Work Blows
What's the difference between a wife and a job?
After ten years the job still sucks!
**************************************************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Office English Dictionary
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name'.
Idea Hamsters: People whoalways seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income,Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
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THURSDAY'S JOKE
Firetruck
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
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FRIDAY'S JOKE
Barracks Door
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags. ****************************************************************************************************
SATURDAY'S JOKES
The difference in words
One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality? Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, tells the wife. Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room. Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $! Eldest son thinks a little and replies:- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep with him. Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains to him:- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay teenager
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A cowboy caught by the Indians
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them.The Chief comes up to him and asks:- What do you want for your first wish?- I want talk to my horse, “ replies the cowboy.The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt.The Chief asks him once again:- What do you want for your second wish?- I want to talk to my horse, “ once again replies the cowboy.Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse's ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later.The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks:- So, what do you want for your last third wish?- I want to talk to my horse, “ for the third time replies the cowboy.He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it:- You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not PUSSY!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Reason I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me.She didn't even say Good Morning, alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment.†After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday†and there on the couch I sat¦ naked.
MONDAY'S JOKE
Windows 666
Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.
So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."
Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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TUESDAY'S JOKE
The Three Horses of the Apocalypse
The world is going to end in three days, so God calls the three most important leaders on the planet to help him break the news to the masses: Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Jean Creitian. Bill Clinton goes back to America and tells Congress and the Senate that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is the world is going to end in three days, the good news is that they can finally stop all those investigations of him.
Bill Gates goes back to Seattle and tells Microsoft that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is that the world will end in three days. The good news is that there won't be a follow up to Windows 98.
Jean Creitian goes back to Canada and says he has good news, really good news and amazingly good news: "The good news god thinks I am a world leader, the really good news is that all those problems with the budget won't exist in three days and the amazingly good news is that I won't have to put up with that annoying little twit Preston Manning any more."
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The Engineer's Love Life
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said,“I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said,“I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they questioned.
The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
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THURSDAY'S JOKE
You Work for the Government When:
* The process becomes more important than the product
* You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about * You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there
* You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
* You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money
* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym
* You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms
* You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance. (1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
* You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards
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FRIDAY'S JOKE
I Can Tell This Job Sucks Already
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
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SATURDAY'S JOKES
Laxative Cough Therapy
A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************************************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Soy Toy
While going through his wifes dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you.
When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion, she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
I'm curious though, he said, Where did the thirty dollars come from?
Oh that, his wife replied, Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blonde Looking for a Job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.'Yes.'
