Daddy Roush Need 6000 Rates Fans Help ...'s blog: "Jokes and Funny Stories"

My day started off good until my wife got up. She jumped on her menstral cycle and ran my ass over. Nag, nag, nag, nag.... biiittchh, bitch, bitch, bitch, biiittttccccchhhhhh

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham. She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum. She's done more screwing than Black and Decker. She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood. She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini. She's been boarded more times than Amtrak. She's been mounted more often than Trigger. She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins. She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope. She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare. She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube. She's spent more time under men than barstools. She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge. She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes. She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan. She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima. Her body has been declared a national recreation area. Her diaphragms come with a service contract. She has an IUD with a beeper. She uses industrial strength douche. Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest. Her underwear is by Rubbermaid. Her pantyhose has a pet door. She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for the Holland Tunnel.

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home. He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl. The bowl is full of butter....

Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom cuz that's how we live and moms in her do-rag and me with my nine had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by Bumpin phat beats cuz the system's fly I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's-- well anyway I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin just mind yo' bidness I said, for real doe, come check dis out We weren't even buggin, no worries, no doubt Cuz bumpin an thumpin' from around da way Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh Da beats was kickin, da ride was phat I said, Yo red Dawg, you all that! He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise! To the top of the projects and across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!" He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof and sippin on a 40, he busted a move I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack! But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz." Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin. he slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat and busted the window with a b-ball bat I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?" he said,"You best get on up out my face!" His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide. A wink of his eye and a shine off his god toof He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof He jumped in his hooptie with rims made of chrome To tap that booty waitin at home and all I heard as he cruised outta sight was a loud and hearty..... "WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"

Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat, The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, and the phone was off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I am in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"

A Dog Named Sex Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!" The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says :"I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes

Apartment for Rent A Businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde and finally.... "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns